I beg to differ @LumberJack beacause hypothetically that physician decided to consume those cigs and burgers, whereas your struggles aren't of your choosing. With apologies in advance to all who are struggling with disordered eating &/or smoking.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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I just googled "dorsal brake" and that definitely sounds like what I'm experiencing, so thank you for sharing that! I definitely have issues with my vagus nerve so that makes sense for me. Your suggestion for how to get out of the shame spiral--reasoning that truly awful people don't care that they're awful--is helpful! Thankfully my shame spiral has been less of an issue today, so hopefully tomorrow is similar.
Thanks, I sometimes don't know whether to post when I'm feeling good, when others are struggling, as it could seem insensitive. But anyone who is aware of my history on here knows it's not always been good. I had a pretty good day yesterday. Glad to hear that helps you. It's nice when you post that you're doing well, I wish you could do well more often!
I feel painfully anxious but I know it will pass. That said, when I was still working with my panic attacks, I had some benzo PRN just in case. I don't have that anymore, but boy would it come in handy right about now. I have discussed with my prescriber and he's reluctant to have me on another controlled substance when I already have adderall and ketamine. Makes sense to me, I mean I probably shouldn't be on a stimulant if I'm that anxious - except for the fact that I have a paradoxical response to adderall, so there is that. Anyway, I have my non-medication tools to work with. It's just that I don't like "w-o-r-k" at all
I don’t know how to convey that I’m not doing well when A. it’s obvious that I shouldn’t be doing well and B. people paradoxically expect (almost need) me to feel better about life the worse mine gets.
My life sucks and I’m unhappy about it, I guess. If people actually spent time with me they’d quickly realize that the whole “calm“ “mindful” “accepting” thing is an act to hide the fact that I’m white-knuckling my way through a nervous breakdown.
I wonder if the problem is that I’m too unwilling talk openly, or that the people I’d be okay doing that with are not here.
My life sucks and I’m unhappy about it, I guess. If people actually spent time with me they’d quickly realize that the whole “calm“ “mindful” “accepting” thing is an act to hide the fact that I’m white-knuckling my way through a nervous breakdown.
I wonder if the problem is that I’m too unwilling talk openly, or that the people I’d be okay doing that with are not here.
I have never heard of what I have been feeling. Can missing a place make someone lose their sanity. It's like left myself when I came back here. My mind or soul if there is such a thing, is still over there, sitting on my favourite spot overlooking ------ beach. Feels like I'm in nowhere-land, waiting for the courage to show up so I can collect myself and go look for an affordable place to live. I can't go back to the house as he told me he had the locks changed, so my house-key wouldn't work. I need the ocean. I need to be right there, either next to it or within a walkable distance. It's the only place I've ever belonged. I used to be able to pull the sound and scents of wind, water, trees, sand, seaweed etc., from my memory but it's getting harder to do and I'm scared.
You say you’ve never heard of it, but I’ve heard the sentiment before. My mother and I grew up in the same area right near the ocean and both of us have said we couldn’t live somewhere that wasn’t right on the coast.
The farthest I’ve ever lived, in college, was less than an hour to the ocean and I still felt hemmed in and restless. It took awhile to realize and put into words what was wrong, at least you can already do so.
It’s hard, you don’t feel fully yourself in a place you don’t belong, and the ocean gets into your head in a way that being near it becomes a core part of your identity.
The farthest I’ve ever lived, in college, was less than an hour to the ocean and I still felt hemmed in and restless. It took awhile to realize and put into words what was wrong, at least you can already do so.
It’s hard, you don’t feel fully yourself in a place you don’t belong, and the ocean gets into your head in a way that being near it becomes a core part of your identity.
I think I can relate. With the consideration raised in your last line, I thought yup, that's me... except it's a little of both in my case. I do have friends who I can answer honestly when they ask me how I am, even if the answer is "I'm drowning in existential despair and everything seems like a black hole that, instead of trapping light, just traps everything good in the universe so that nothing will ever be okay again!" My fear is that I'm leaning on the few friends like that a little too much. I'm not like dumping all my complaints and problems on them, but if I'm in trouble, I say I'm in trouble, which I worry about being a weight that I'm laying on their shoulders.
And, I miss the best person who ever traversed the stage of my life. If he were still with me, we'd probably have at least mitigated this together before getting to this point.
I'm like that but with the Rocky Mountains.
And, I miss the best person who ever traversed the stage of my life. If he were still with me, we'd probably have at least mitigated this together before getting to this point.
I'm like that but with the Rocky Mountains.