How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[chiastic_slide]

Feels like I have been blacking out. But at the same I think I do remember. But nothing feels like it makes sense. Maybe it’s what people call disassociation.

Just too exhausted. Was exhausted already before and now it have just been one thing after another. Everything at once and I try to only deal with the most important. I don’t even know anymore. Meeting support person soon, maybe can help me make sense of things.

 

[crowgarden]

actually somewhat decent for a change.
I don't think I ever explicitly mentioned it here, but I'm non-binary and I've always felt way more feminine/androgynous than masculine. I've been bugging my caretakers and cps about hormone therapy and voice training ever since I started living in group homes (i.e. since I was 13) and it finally got somewhere.

I talked to my psychiatrist 3 days ago and she gave me the address of an endocrinologist, where I'll need to have a few appointments with her so she can make sure that I REALLY want this; but that won't take too long.

I'm just glad something finally happened.
There's a really weird relationship between me and the child welfare service I'm working with (it's really complicated, but I technically should be with a different branch right now; the people I'm working with are in another state) and they take ages to get any little thing going.

Also, this whole thing is just way more complicated than it should be because gender-affirming care for non-binary people isn't officially recognised in germany.

There's a bunch of stuff that isn't remotely true written in my psych evaluations, and a few of the diagnoses I had (and technically still have) were revoked because otherwise i just wouldn't be able to get the permission to start the treatment.

but hey, at least the people that are legally obligated to care for my mental health finally got off their asses and tried to help me.


sorry if I made any typos, I didn't sleep for 3 days again lol

 

[BlackSheep 007]

Like this..

 

[may71]

but I'm non-binary and I've always felt way more feminine/androgynous than masculine

I think there are men who are gay and who have feminine personalities, but who nonetheless identify as men. Transitioning seems to be for people who feel like their body doesn't fit their actual gender. Both transitioning and being a feminine man are options depending on what suits you.

 

[may71]

actually somewhat decent for a change

That's good

 

[may71]

I’m reducing my reliance on super processed foods in favor of produce

That's really good

 

[LumberJack]

I’m feeling better-ish today. I’m physically lighter, less sedentary. I’m only slightly anxious as opposed to the constant gnawing fear that I’m about to get in trouble for something I haven’t even thought about.

I’m still having a lot of uncomfortable thoughts. Last night I was fantasizing about being diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and wondering if simply declining treatment and just having palliative care would be an option. Hell, I would just check myself into hospice today if it was an option! But that’s kind of the problem. It doesn’t really matter if I feel okay or not, or even better than okay. I still want out.

I’m still trying to do everything necessary to get better. For me, that looks like having some ideas of what to do with the last half or less of my life. I’m more or less in acceptance of the fact that I exist and can’t really change that. I mean, even if I ended it today, I would still have existed over the time that I did. A lot of my thinking lately is influenced by talks given by Alan Watts* about death and existence within time. That’s probably a topic for another thread.

I guess the point is that I feel better, and yet I also wish I could get out of this life. It’s just better than the fear of things that seem to keep happening to me over and over again, combined with the painful memories of the things that already happened. I feel cursed and I wonder if it’s the universe telling me to get my worthless carcass into a corpse so that at least it could be food for other animals. Sorry, I guess that’s pretty defeatist.

 

[chiastic_slide]

Feeling better today. Easter now. Nothing should be happening the next 4-5 days, and I can get some good rest.

 

[Inanimate]

I’m tired all the time. I’m not motivated anymore. Nothing engages me anymore. Everything takes extra effort and energy that I don’t have. Getting up sucks. Going to bed sucks. Working out sucks. Homework feels repetitive. My posts feel repetitive. The world is shrinking. The air is thinning. I don’t know how to conclude this post. It’s insufficient—as is my existence.

 

[AvidFan]

Feeling better today. Easter now. Nothing should be happening the next 4-5 days, and I can get some good rest.

Same. I like Easter. Hope you get a good rest!

 

[I_waste_everything]

Mom has confided to me that she prefers hanging out with Dad. I'm feeling a mix of feelings right now. Obviously I'm impulsively sad. However it uplifts and relieves me that she and Dad still love each other. Throughout the time I feel has been false in my life, I fear that I have caused strain on their relationship; learning otherwise makes me happy.

Besides, I feel so down about what I am, what I've become, and I feel so detached from this whole setting around me, and so determined to get my retry, that learning I'm not highest preferred company for Mom is only slightly saddening; compared to if I were to learn that in the time I want to pick back up, in which case the news would likely be devastating.

Even all this, however, doesn't seem to mean that Mom dislikes me. Mom's been talking to me often, hearing me out, comforting me, and even her admission she prefers Dad's company came with cupping of my face and words of gentle understanding-seeking.

When I told her I want to shave my head bald, though, she did affirm that she'd kick me out. That does sting. But I still feel she loves me and cares about me; she sounded pained when she said it and it was still among a talk of counsel and connection.

 

[LumberJack]

I have something percolating in the back of my mind. It’s a vague intuition that I can’t yet properly articulate. Something to do with my own suicidal thoughts being a desire to sidestep experiencing death, rather than a desire for death per se.

The intuition popped up last night when I was in a big struggle with my fear and anger. I don’t remember how I backed myself into this corner, but I noticed that the intensity of my intrusive thoughts calmed down by about half when I started to think about the rest of my life as a preparation for my inevitable expiration.

 

[ClassicsFan]

Stuffy.

 

[I_waste_everything]

This morning, really bad. The newfound baldness feels especially damning. I renewly am among awareness of my failings and waste of this life (attempt?), especially in this case in the case of my wasteful job- loyalty, refusal to ask or insist for what I want or make time for myself, and my lifelong passiveness in general.

Recently Mom affirmed that if I shave my head she will kick me out. I am wrestling with that. Briefly this morning I feel less bothered by the idea than I was when she first told me. However, I obviously am not brave enough to actually bring that on myself. I don't know where I'd go - yes, despite my self-anger and shame, I still cling on enough to want to have somewhere to rest my head, so far- and I don't want my possessions to sit here and rot or get thrown out.

I ran about a third of the way down to the creek, then yelled in to the loft twice. I am feeling relief now. However, the hurt, loss, shame, and most importantly, increasing awareness of what I do wrong, is still here.

I hope this is actually a trench before revelation, rejuvenation, and most of all, breakthrough

 

[AvidFan]

Glad the family shit gathering is over. I forgot to mask and be on my guard, relaxed a bit too much. Around the dinner table there was a group gaslighting moment where I was basically put in my place by majority rule (could have said 2 and 2 is 4 and it would have been wrong because they all said so). I just shut up and managed not to react, but my hand was shaking quite a bit through the meal. Probably spilled some food. At least it's only twice a year I have to sit round a table with this people. They simply do not get me, never have, never will.

 

[LumberJack]

I’m in a lot of pain emotionally. I guess there’s nothing to do about it. Think I’ll take another nap. Might be a good excuse for a shower, although it dries out my skin to do that too often.

 

[Lostman85]

I’m in a lot of pain emotionally. I guess there’s nothing to do about it. Think I’ll take another nap. Might be a good excuse for a shower, although it dries out my skin to do that too often.

I hope you feel better soon. If you need to talk we are here for ya.

 

[anona123]

I feel trapped. My life is over, but I’m too afraid to end it. Nothing unique I know.

 

[I_waste_everything]

I feel trapped. My life is over, but I’m too afraid to end it. Nothing unique I know.

I relate to this so hard right now.

 

[I_waste_everything]

Especially defeated. Tax return didn't work on some technicality, I have a new heap of unsorted junk in my room just as I was clearing space and making it roomy enough for me, the computer I ordered I waited too long to test so now if I test it and it doesn't work it's unlikely I'll be able to return it, a journal that has importance for my hold on my life has weakened, I lied down to sleep but can't actually sleep, I have made mom and sis need time away from me, I potentially have made Mom and Dad feel like their work has been in vain, and I broke my fast for practically nothing today. I've had to start a new one, but I could be hours further into it if only I had kept it together.

And the main lights of this world to see in the surroundings, I feel unworthy of, too late for, to go into them is to weka e responsibility for my wastefulness.

All the while, I still neglect/ed, still fail/ed, and I have made it too late to live in this attempt at "my" life. My main relief is that my brain, lying down, has begun to truly go blank. "Terminate the failed attempt", I needn't repeat here, because it feels like my brain has finally begun to do that itself. Not trying to do it, really, so much as letting go of the obligation to try forcing an unworthy life to continue. If I lie down and let my brain do that for longer, will I finally go back to the starting line or will I just go into a dreamless sleep?