I'm doing alright for a change. After 18 months of trying to get off amitriptyline I had got down to 4mg but I think my brain was still misfiring. Gone on 20mg and my brain is suddenly happy and normal and it should also start to help the pain and has been helping me sleep. I hit my lowest point at 4am on Thursday morning and almost took the exit route I was that bad. Since then things have been on an upward trajectory with physical symptoms easing and the mental torment easing off as well. I think after the abuse my brain has been through it doesn't matter how many relaxation or stress reduction techniques anyone suggests - I need chemical scaffolding, at least for now. The good thing is my body gets on with the amitriptyline with almost no side effects, I'm on it for pain and sleep but it has anxiolytic effects too which will be welcome given the mess I've been in the last year after kicking benzos and all the other relentless stressors.
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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
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Feeling better. Almost okay, if I dare imagine it.
I didn't sleep enough last night. More bedtime procrastination, as in, "just one more <whatever activity> and then I'll brush my teeth." That went on until 4:30 AM. I slept until 10:00, so about 5 hrs.
Today I wanted to go outside, and I noticed that I need a haircut. My barber is a 10 minute walk away and the weather was perfect. It was 75, mostly but not entirely cloudy, and just a little breeze. Now it's almost 20 deg warmer after the sun being out since then. So my timing was good, I got a thing crossed of the to-do list, and I spent some time outdoors. Building on this I cooked some frozen fish in the air fryer, which turned out amazing. Since I was behaving so well, I also chopped up some broccoli to go into the air fryer afterward. Add some avocado slices for texture and healthy fats, and I have a tasty lunch with only 3 main ingredients, plus seasonings. This is really huge for me. I think a lot of my appetite struggles lately have been that I'm daunted by the prospect of cooking. It's just too much planning, putting things together, which ends up meaning a bit of cleaning to get enough working space on the counter, and then I have to clean up again afterward! Who can live at that speed? Oh right, I guess that's most functioning adults. Hmmm.
It's still an accomplishment and I'm cautiously optimistic I can keep building momentum on this and possibly break out of my paralysis. It may not happen, so I'm prepared to crash again, as is my pattern, but I'm doing things better today, so maybe the results will improve, too.
I didn't sleep enough last night. More bedtime procrastination, as in, "just one more <whatever activity> and then I'll brush my teeth." That went on until 4:30 AM. I slept until 10:00, so about 5 hrs.
Today I wanted to go outside, and I noticed that I need a haircut. My barber is a 10 minute walk away and the weather was perfect. It was 75, mostly but not entirely cloudy, and just a little breeze. Now it's almost 20 deg warmer after the sun being out since then. So my timing was good, I got a thing crossed of the to-do list, and I spent some time outdoors. Building on this I cooked some frozen fish in the air fryer, which turned out amazing. Since I was behaving so well, I also chopped up some broccoli to go into the air fryer afterward. Add some avocado slices for texture and healthy fats, and I have a tasty lunch with only 3 main ingredients, plus seasonings. This is really huge for me. I think a lot of my appetite struggles lately have been that I'm daunted by the prospect of cooking. It's just too much planning, putting things together, which ends up meaning a bit of cleaning to get enough working space on the counter, and then I have to clean up again afterward! Who can live at that speed? Oh right, I guess that's most functioning adults. Hmmm.
It's still an accomplishment and I'm cautiously optimistic I can keep building momentum on this and possibly break out of my paralysis. It may not happen, so I'm prepared to crash again, as is my pattern, but I'm doing things better today, so maybe the results will improve, too.
Its ok to question how you communicate with others. Maybe they aren't great at communicating either. Its a work in progress. You do have us here @nobodylovesme. We are happy to know you. Welcome to SF and I hope to see you around.
I'm sorry that you're going through this. I hope SF can help somehow.
You may want to start a thread in the "My Story" forum if you'd like to tell us about what's going on:
www.suicideforum.com/community/forums/my-story.39/
Sending hugs if you would like hugs
You may want to start a thread in the "My Story" forum if you'd like to tell us about what's going on:
www.suicideforum.com/community/forums/my-story.39/
Sending hugs if you would like hugs
Feeling resentful because a friend told me that I was spending too much on two trips with the senior center. I admit the prices were high but as I pointed out to my friend she and others were too busy to want to go to these places with me.
Also feeling guilty for signing up and spending the money. I could get the money back from one of the trips but then I'd be stuck home alone again.I just want to go and see places and be with people.
I wish my friend - although I like having friends - was not so judgemental. But she is who she is and at age 70 not likely to change.
Also feeling guilty for signing up and spending the money. I could get the money back from one of the trips but then I'd be stuck home alone again.I just want to go and see places and be with people.
I wish my friend - although I like having friends - was not so judgemental. But she is who she is and at age 70 not likely to change.
I'm feeling like s##t, but it's not like painful. It's just my same old, same old intrusive thoughts on repeat. Telling me what a f**k up I am, everything I do is wrong, and everything I say could be interpreted as passive aggressive because I don't process the context of an informal social convo until too late, and sometimes I remember what I said, and I'm like, oh sh-- I might have implied something that I didn't mean to imply. (@AmberMarie - how's that for a run-on sentence? lol 
)
I wish I could be as sensitive in face to face convos as I can be in written ones. So, that one is real, but I'm thinking while writing this out, that I don't need to kms over that! Nobody probably remembers wtf I said anyway. Oh well, what I do feel good about is this is another time when I am having genuine feelings, as opposed to just permanently in freeze and no clue what I'm feeling. Maybe it's possible to feel good about feeling bad, just because I'm happy to feel anything lately. The horses do help me have a good feeling sometimes, though. I want to learn how to ride, as in solo, but I know that's a long way off.
)I wish I could be as sensitive in face to face convos as I can be in written ones. So, that one is real, but I'm thinking while writing this out, that I don't need to kms over that! Nobody probably remembers wtf I said anyway. Oh well, what I do feel good about is this is another time when I am having genuine feelings, as opposed to just permanently in freeze and no clue what I'm feeling. Maybe it's possible to feel good about feeling bad, just because I'm happy to feel anything lately. The horses do help me have a good feeling sometimes, though. I want to learn how to ride, as in solo, but I know that's a long way off.
Could you ask about it? Could it be moved closer if you changed doctors? We want you alive and well and the fact you're feeling your strength waning is a red flag. (h) @SillyOldBear