How Are You Feeling Right Now?

[Mid Night]

I'm awaiting a diagnosis for some lesions that a CAT scan revealed on my liver. My personal physician and the oncologist are of the opinion that they're malignant.
There's a PET scan scheduled, an ENT scan and a biopsy too.
The oncologist thinks I'm already at stage 4.

Of course I'm thinking about the end of life.
If symptoms get too bad, the option of the quick exit seems like the obvious choice.

There's no significant other to leave behind. No children. No close friends. And I don't really enjoy my life anyway.
I'm 73 years old.

On the positive side my church friends and several people from a volunteer group have all told me they'll be eager to help and that I mustn't think I'm alone.

But I do feel pretty alone.

I'm very sorry Anchorchain. I'm praying my way that you will know how much you mean to others and that your time of transition will be all you need it to be.

 

[Lane]

I'm nervous, going to have a brain scan tomorrow. I know it will be ok and nothing might be the results (no increase of what was found 3 or 4 years ago) but still on edge.. thanks for any and all support from here

Janus, sending good thoughts your way for a clean bil of health.

 

[Lane]

On one hand I feel almost cured of pain and would like to work to earn money to pay off bills but on the other hand I don't want to go through the interviews and disappointments. I also feel that i have fallen behind in my field in the intervening year.
There are more negatives to working than not but the biggest lure is the money. Between the chimney that I needed to repair, other repairs I have to make that I can't physically do and money for my grandson's schooling which I promised when I was working I'm feeling rather poor. But finally able to get by the pain or lack of pain as it seems.
I don't want to work retail except maybe Barnes & Noble - a bookstore. But I don't do registers. I'd rather do engineering but for the reasons cited above and more. I just don't know how to cut back because of the work needed on the house.

Glad that your pain is mostly cleared. Houses are expensive too. How about a job babysitting Monday thru Friday? Plus, its off the books.

 

[Lane]

I honestly think I am going to be dead soon. Life is just trolling me at this point. It feels deliberate and like it's just saying "Go on, why don't you take the exit like you want to?" I don't want to list everything, but 3 separate but interacting health issues all happening in the space of 4 months, on top of multiple house issues, during a period of financial stress and chronic personal stress, and now in a period of existential dread about AI meaning I won't even have an income to get me to retirement. Nobody, but nobody will help me with my house, I have no IRL support network or anyone to turn to, and so I finally find a gap in the rain to try to be positive, go out for a walk, and come back to look up at my house and find a big wet patch spreading up near the top window. I tried to self soothe and say oh it's either side of a wire, it must be rain coming off the wire... Promptly looked at all the other wires on other houses with no such stains. No idea what's happening, it's dark, I'm stressed and tired, and I can't deal with it right now. I can't even deal with the other pile of stuff that I already know about, which involves water. As for the troll question, "Why don't you?" I'm starting to run out of answers as to why not.

I hope that your stress level goes down and that the wet patch isn't something major. Its always something when you own a home also, I hope you can find reasons to say yes to life.

 

[Lane]

Scared of the future and having to depend on someone emotionally and financially. Having to uproot myself.

 

[Lane]

I'm feeling okay today, but very drained. I had an appointment with my therapist this afternoon, during which I decided to talk about some painful experiences. This was difficult, especially since this was the first time I explained all of this to someone who actually listened. I've met lots of quacks who dismissed it without even trying to understand the pain, but this one is the real deal. Tackling schemas is difficult, and I have a lot of work to do.

Glad that you were able to talk about issues with someone worthy. Best of luck on your journey of self discovery.

 

[Lane]

I'm awaiting a diagnosis for some lesions that a CAT scan revealed on my liver. My personal physician and the oncologist are of the opinion that they're malignant.
There's a PET scan scheduled, an ENT scan and a biopsy too.
The oncologist thinks I'm already at stage 4.

Of course I'm thinking about the end of life.
If symptoms get too bad, the option of the quick exit seems like the obvious choice.

There's no significant other to leave behind. No children. No close friends. And I don't really enjoy my life anyway.
I'm 73 years old.

On the positive side my church friends and several people from a volunteer group have all told me they'll be eager to help and that I mustn't think I'm alone.

But I do feel pretty alone.

Please keep us posted @Anchorchain. We are here to support you too.

 

[AvidFan]

Calmer than I was last night. Identified a few causes of the water stains and doesn't seem as bad during the day. Put the fear into me last night. Trying to sort things today. Not really had a much of a holiday Monday, been typing up emails/letters to those in authority to try to get some assistance. Don't know if anything will come of it, at least I'll have tried something. In fact I've already tried and it's not for lack of trying that these practical issues remain issues.

 

[LumberJack]

... I've actually gone to using a wooden bowl for most of my meals anyway, lol

Dang, I never thought about wood. Is it glazed somehow so that it's not porous? I had switch from a wood cutting board to a regular whatever the sanitized ones are made out of, probably some form of plastic that will leach microplastics into my food with every cut of a knife. However, the wooden cutting board is heck to get clean, especially after working with certain foods. I figure we're all ridiculously fucked on microplastics so that issue is kind of like bringing coal to Newcastle.

That said, for my plates and bowls it's all ceramic and for my drinking glasses they are the classic glass pint glasses. These are very easy to break, I have learned. They're a dollar a piece, though, so I've gotten my money's worth if I keep them intact for more than 2 months.

 

[LumberJack]

My OCD compulsion to avoid everything is brutal today. I know I'm only digging myself deeper into financial ruin and unhireability, which is my biggest stressor. I'm just making myself more miserable at the fastest rate possible. At least I'm good at something.

Been listening over and over to the song, Monster by Eminem (Feat. Rihanna). I am feeling a lot like the story portrayed in this song.

 

[Harmony]

I still can't help but wonder if EMDR made me worse. This past month has been hell on earth emotionally. Maybe I shouldn't look for a definitive cause. Maybe it's things getting a lot worse before they get better. Wish I knew. I just can't take it anymore.

 

[Windhover]

if EMDR made me worse

How do you think it may have made you worse? I'm wondering about it. It's something I have been told to pursue, to help with trauma, but I have my doubts. If you don't feel like going more into it that's okay.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, and at this kind of intensity.

 

[I_waste_everything]

despondent and heartache.

 

[FlamingoWrangler]

Hopeless. Teary. Hollow.

 

[may71]

Welcome to SF Tecwen

Terrible, I'm such a write off as a person.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so bad. You have inherent worth as a human being, please don't think that you're a write off.

I hope you'll say more about what's going on if you'd like.