I wish I was dead. And I'm starting to get tempted by my method. I won't use it. Not today. But I am starting to think it's inevitable. I've thought this for a while, because every problem I solve (or try and fail to solve), 3 more appear. Every time I pick myself back up, life kicks me in the face.
It seems random but it feel deliberate. Surely nobody can have this many stupid things go wrong that have no solution? At random? It's like death by a thousand cuts.
I actually had a good day today. I got to work, I did my meetings, I got home in the bus in the rain and was feeling calm. I observed the wet patch on the wall outside - it had been raining heavily all day so was apparent, but at other times it isnt. I still felt calm. For some reason I decided to go up to my bedroom, I was going to do some stretches, I decided to check the windowsill that I'd cleaned on Sunday. All fine and dry. Then I knocked something over that had been by the window, and pulling the curtain back I found a section of wall where all the paint was all bubbled up. I pressed on it and it all started flaking away, now there is a big patch of bare plaster and a crack running down the wall to the left of it. I am sick of this house. Utterly fucking sick of it. I bought it as a sanctuary from the world and it has turned into a fucking millstone round my neck. I couldn't cope with the problems I already had. Trades ghost me, scam me, lie to me, or turn up, do stuff, I pay money I can't afford and they go away and the problem stays the same. Over and over again. It's not that this is a huge problem. But it might be. I don't know. Its inconclusive, but looks like water is getting into the house at multiple points AND NOBODY WILL FUCKING HELP ME.
I've written to my council, I've tried so many different people. My income is going wrong, my health has gone wrong, and this house is there dragging me further and further down. Life might as well put my my method in my hand and say "It's over. You lost the game. Do it." I seriously want to on days like this. The stress is flaring my pain condition, it's a cascade of fucking stress and misery.
I can't afford the upkeep on this house, I can't afford to sell it and rent. I can't downsize. None of the options you'd think might be viable, are viable. I've thought of all of them. None of them will work. You need money for those things. What's the alternative? The streets? I am fucking trapped. It seriously feels like life is forcing me to the edge and I cannot make sense of it any more.
I won't do anything today. But when the savings run out and house carries on falling apart around me? I cannot see a future where I survive. And it looks like the process is accelerating.
