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How Are You Feeling Right Now?
- Thread starter UNREGISTERED0000
- Start date
Big day tomorrow; I have hope things are planned out pretty well. I'm fine right now, but it's fake and very temporary. I am worried about my mental health once I'm alone again. I know htis all need to go one step at a ltime and I'm not doubting my decisions. Just aware of my vulnerability to too much quiet. I'm tired and my mind is all over the place.
so - then I got a sudden burst of energy - like "screw the stairs, I'm climbing the damn walls," type of energy. I went to get groceries but just some produce, mostly veggies. They had green bananas, too! It's been since around March or so that I've seen more than just slightly green at the tips. I can only get one at a time because they will no longer be green in 24 hrs. But these were fully green, just the way I like them, lol - where the peel is challenging to remove because it doesn't even want to flex on the way down. I also got a pizza as a reward. It will be 2 meals at least. In the pizza place I was still bouncing off the walls. I could not be still even while standing up. I started singing along to the song on the speakers and didn't notice until another patron walked by and gave me a look. A look that said, "I think you're on meth, holmes." Well, I was stone cold sober but I skipped my afternoon dose of adderall, and paradoxically I'm calm and collected when I do take that med. Even more silly - I look like I'm speed... when I'm NOT on speed! I also seem to write quickly and go on tangents.
People must be sick of me going on about this. Last night I tried to relax, I went to bed, I got up today and forced myself out for a walk. Did about 4500 steps. Got back and instead of doing my stretches I checked the plaster on the wall after all the wind and rain, and my inside wall is wet to the touch. So water is actively penetrating my house in a second place now. I have been trying to sort other problems out since November 2025. This is not a reflection of my ability, or willpower, or resilience it is a reflection of what utter bastards the people in trades here are. They don't want to know. They either ignore me, ghost me, try to scam me, actually scam me, lie to me, or do work that is shit when they occasionally do turn up. I don't know what else to do. I wish I could just die as my problems just keep increasing and my capacity to deal with them dwindling. Sooner or later this is going to push me over the edge, and I am getting close, I wrote to my elected representatives about the stupidity of this situation. I have probably basic, fixable issues with my house, which are going to get worse if nobody helps me. I keep trying to get help. People do all the former things, nobody seems to have a clue. How did any houses even get built if nobody knows how they fucking work? Meanwhile my income and work is collapsing and I might lose the house anyway. Maybe it would be for the best but housing is not great over here, there is a real chance I could end up on the streets. Or in some hostel or bed and breakfast at 56 having worked all my life.
So I'll try and regroup. I have to keep earning money to keep a house that itself is destroying my capacity to feel OK and do my work. I can't see this ending well. I pretty much have no hope left. I will just try to enjoy today.
So I'll try and regroup. I have to keep earning money to keep a house that itself is destroying my capacity to feel OK and do my work. I can't see this ending well. I pretty much have no hope left. I will just try to enjoy today.
A wrongful body animation of mine yesterday + imagery in dream last night = newest in a flood of damning proof of þe ugly I am inside.
I don't want to be þis. It's disgusting. It's wrong, at least for me. I should have killed myself fifty times over and þen sixty times over for being þis wiþin.
But inextricably it seems it's stuck here. And if I am þis disgusting, it's better I face it. I've been letting þe proof happen in private for about a "year" now, and alþoh I'm miserable, it's a misery based on honesty. Or chasing honest understanding, at least.
I don't want to be þis. It's disgusting. It's wrong, at least for me. I should have killed myself fifty times over and þen sixty times over for being þis wiþin.
But inextricably it seems it's stuck here. And if I am þis disgusting, it's better I face it. I've been letting þe proof happen in private for about a "year" now, and alþoh I'm miserable, it's a misery based on honesty. Or chasing honest understanding, at least.
I went out to complete my 10,000 steps for the day. I decided I would do my stretches to try to keep my body going in case I still actually need it. Lying on my back I could swear something was wrong, the loft hatch looked wrong. It looks like somehow in the wind it's been sucked up or moved around somehow. Needless to say my anxiety ramped up to 100 again. I'm not even getting 5 minutes in between trying to do something positive and the next stressor now. I feel ill with this stress, I just wish it would fucking kill me with a heart attack or massive anuerysm but I'm not that lucky. It wants to draw things out and torture me.
I feel sad and my poor diet lately is giving me pain. I have been nauseous since yesterday and that finally got me to eat some food. However, this morning I learned that subsisting primarily on packaged foods for 3 days in a row is going to mess with gut function.
I wish there was an OTC nausea treatment. The motion sickness pills are anti-emetic. This means that they inhibit vomiting, but not necessarily the feeling of imminent emesis.
This will be temporary. In the meantime my job is to impress upon my food cravings the importance of eating fresh food twice a day or more.
I wish there was an OTC nausea treatment. The motion sickness pills are anti-emetic. This means that they inhibit vomiting, but not necessarily the feeling of imminent emesis.
This will be temporary. In the meantime my job is to impress upon my food cravings the importance of eating fresh food twice a day or more.
Thanks for your understanding. I at least managed to get up a ladder and get my loft hatch back into place by banging it with hoover hose. It wobbled then fell back into place. I will have to check the outside of the roof tomorrow after the storm has passed.
So far for my Sunday I have watched one 45 minute episode of something and spent the rest trying to solve problems.
So far for my Sunday I have watched one 45 minute episode of something and spent the rest trying to solve problems.
stressed, sad, and pessimistic. I'm trying to get over my cognitive distortion of thinking everything I do will be doomed to failure. But then I check my email or look at news on my phone, and it's back to wondering what is the use of it, anyway. I'm doing the goddam best I can do right now. If that happens to look like less than would be expected of, e.g., a new recruit trying out for the Navy SEALS or similar, that's fine. The important thing is that I'm trying and I'm more than twice the age of a new military recruit, anyway. Why I have to compare myself to Olympian standards of athleticism, when I've scarcely got the balance of a giraffe with vertigo, makes no sense. I do a lot of things that make no sense, so it's not out of character, at least.
