Hi Shifter, I think most of us arrived here at the forum in a similar dark place to where you seem to be now. We have all come down different paths but the fact that we are all here gives us something in common. Don't think you are alone. We are all here to help and support each other. The fact you are here and talking to us about how you feel shows you are looking for a better way of dealing with all your pain than commiting would be. I feel that talking to people here has saved my life and I hope it can do the same for you. It can be hard to completely open up to people in the outside world. Apart from the members here there are only a couple of people who know just how I feel. Most people don't know how to deal with such issues and tend to run a mile. You have friends here. Give yourself the chance to let them help you. Best wishes,S.