Hi, I'm new here, 5 mins ago I was looking for ways to commit suicide, now I just want to write down everything that has led me to this point to see if there is a way forward.
I'm 40, I'm married with one child who is the light of my life and my only reason for living. I have been married for 12 years, at first it was good and fun. Over this time my wife has become an alcoholic, not the stereotype we are used to, drinking spirits as soon as she wakes up, no this is more of the modern type - half a box of wine a night plus 2 to 4 cans of beer after our son has gone to bed. Enough to be staggering around, dropping things bumping into things. She is also deaf and relies on lip reading as well as hearing aids, the more she drinks the less she concentrates on the lip reading making conversation impossible.
We also both smoke a couple of joints a night - yes I know this can contribute to depression too. I've tried to stop, suggested that we both do it but she won't so then I have the constant temptation there at my fingertips, eventually I give in. An excuse I know, weakness I know.
I couldn't say when I fell out of love with her, but it must have been sometime in the last 6 years. I don't believe she has ever loved me, depended on me yes, saw me as someone to protect her and support her financially, but not love. Not the love I believe in, when you would do anything for that person, all you want is for them to be happy, safe and feel...well loved.
We haven't been...intimate...for a long time. I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about making love, where you are in it for the other persons pleasure. We've had occasional drunk sex but I don't want that anymore. We now even sleep in separate rooms.
I am also dealing with some health issues meaning I am not mobile anymore. I used to go to the gym 3 times a week, between those days I was pretty active in other ways. Now it hurts to walk to the kitchen, other days it is ok but it could hurt at any moment. The Doctor says it looks like I will have to go for some major surgery to put it right meaning I will be on crutches for 3 to 4 months. My wife practically accused me of lying about this yesterday because it was one of the good days, last week I was nearly on the floor in pain.
I have been thinking of leaving but I cannot leave my son, I could kick her out but believe it or not I do actually care about her, it would destroy her, not to mention the effect it would have on my son. My intention was to hold out as best I can until he is old enough to leave home, but is that the right thing to do? Not sure how it would work financially either, her name is on the mortgage although she doesn't really contribute. She works a little, 10 to 12 hours a week, but probably just about covers her drinking...
She only cleans once a week, the house is a mess most of the time. I work 40 to 60 hours a week usually, before my health problems started, that includes travel time. When it came to the weekend I would be asked to help tidy up which infuriated me. These days I am pretty apathetic about it, probably the strong painkillers I'm on.
Anyway this message has gone on long enough now, can anyone offer any advice?
I'm 40, I'm married with one child who is the light of my life and my only reason for living. I have been married for 12 years, at first it was good and fun. Over this time my wife has become an alcoholic, not the stereotype we are used to, drinking spirits as soon as she wakes up, no this is more of the modern type - half a box of wine a night plus 2 to 4 cans of beer after our son has gone to bed. Enough to be staggering around, dropping things bumping into things. She is also deaf and relies on lip reading as well as hearing aids, the more she drinks the less she concentrates on the lip reading making conversation impossible.
We also both smoke a couple of joints a night - yes I know this can contribute to depression too. I've tried to stop, suggested that we both do it but she won't so then I have the constant temptation there at my fingertips, eventually I give in. An excuse I know, weakness I know.
I couldn't say when I fell out of love with her, but it must have been sometime in the last 6 years. I don't believe she has ever loved me, depended on me yes, saw me as someone to protect her and support her financially, but not love. Not the love I believe in, when you would do anything for that person, all you want is for them to be happy, safe and feel...well loved.
We haven't been...intimate...for a long time. I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about making love, where you are in it for the other persons pleasure. We've had occasional drunk sex but I don't want that anymore. We now even sleep in separate rooms.
I am also dealing with some health issues meaning I am not mobile anymore. I used to go to the gym 3 times a week, between those days I was pretty active in other ways. Now it hurts to walk to the kitchen, other days it is ok but it could hurt at any moment. The Doctor says it looks like I will have to go for some major surgery to put it right meaning I will be on crutches for 3 to 4 months. My wife practically accused me of lying about this yesterday because it was one of the good days, last week I was nearly on the floor in pain.
I have been thinking of leaving but I cannot leave my son, I could kick her out but believe it or not I do actually care about her, it would destroy her, not to mention the effect it would have on my son. My intention was to hold out as best I can until he is old enough to leave home, but is that the right thing to do? Not sure how it would work financially either, her name is on the mortgage although she doesn't really contribute. She works a little, 10 to 12 hours a week, but probably just about covers her drinking...
She only cleans once a week, the house is a mess most of the time. I work 40 to 60 hours a week usually, before my health problems started, that includes travel time. When it came to the weekend I would be asked to help tidy up which infuriated me. These days I am pretty apathetic about it, probably the strong painkillers I'm on.
Anyway this message has gone on long enough now, can anyone offer any advice?