How do I get out of a toxic relationship?

[PersonaNonGrata]

Hi, I'm new here, 5 mins ago I was looking for ways to commit suicide, now I just want to write down everything that has led me to this point to see if there is a way forward.

I'm 40, I'm married with one child who is the light of my life and my only reason for living. I have been married for 12 years, at first it was good and fun. Over this time my wife has become an alcoholic, not the stereotype we are used to, drinking spirits as soon as she wakes up, no this is more of the modern type - half a box of wine a night plus 2 to 4 cans of beer after our son has gone to bed. Enough to be staggering around, dropping things bumping into things. She is also deaf and relies on lip reading as well as hearing aids, the more she drinks the less she concentrates on the lip reading making conversation impossible.

We also both smoke a couple of joints a night - yes I know this can contribute to depression too. I've tried to stop, suggested that we both do it but she won't so then I have the constant temptation there at my fingertips, eventually I give in. An excuse I know, weakness I know.

I couldn't say when I fell out of love with her, but it must have been sometime in the last 6 years. I don't believe she has ever loved me, depended on me yes, saw me as someone to protect her and support her financially, but not love. Not the love I believe in, when you would do anything for that person, all you want is for them to be happy, safe and feel...well loved.

We haven't been...intimate...for a long time. I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about making love, where you are in it for the other persons pleasure. We've had occasional drunk sex but I don't want that anymore. We now even sleep in separate rooms.

I am also dealing with some health issues meaning I am not mobile anymore. I used to go to the gym 3 times a week, between those days I was pretty active in other ways. Now it hurts to walk to the kitchen, other days it is ok but it could hurt at any moment. The Doctor says it looks like I will have to go for some major surgery to put it right meaning I will be on crutches for 3 to 4 months. My wife practically accused me of lying about this yesterday because it was one of the good days, last week I was nearly on the floor in pain.

I have been thinking of leaving but I cannot leave my son, I could kick her out but believe it or not I do actually care about her, it would destroy her, not to mention the effect it would have on my son. My intention was to hold out as best I can until he is old enough to leave home, but is that the right thing to do? Not sure how it would work financially either, her name is on the mortgage although she doesn't really contribute. She works a little, 10 to 12 hours a week, but probably just about covers her drinking...

She only cleans once a week, the house is a mess most of the time. I work 40 to 60 hours a week usually, before my health problems started, that includes travel time. When it came to the weekend I would be asked to help tidy up which infuriated me. These days I am pretty apathetic about it, probably the strong painkillers I'm on.

Anyway this message has gone on long enough now, can anyone offer any advice?

 

[may71]

Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

Now it hurts to walk to the kitchen

Acupuncture works well for pain, and I recommend it frequently. There are some sources for quality, affordable care (teaching clinics and community acupuncture). I could say more about that if you are interested.

You might want to prepare yourself for a divorce, but also try something like couples counseling.

I don't know if your wife has any desire to recover.

I could kick her out but believe it or not I do actually care about her, it would destroy her

You might want to talk this over with a counselor

Generally ultimatums are not good in relationships, but at the same time you are enabling her to live as an alcoholic under the current circumstances. If she has the choice between cleaning up and hitting the streets, she might choose to clean up.

It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. Hopefully a counselor can give you some guidance.

 

[Shorty92]

Sorry to hear your going through this but 6 years of not feeling love but being with someone is a long time,
Why waste your life being unhappy. We only have one life so we should live it how we want too!

The making love part is a big give away as well when your in love or even madly attracted to someone you want to be with them in this way.

You son will bounce back if you two split, children are extremely resilient and it doesn’t sound like he is in a great environment with a alcoholic mother that must be affecting him in some way. You may say he won’t notice but probably does. My dad was alcoholic and my daughter noticed and would ask me questions about grandad and she was only 3!

I think you need to get her help (in the uk) there is a adult social working system, I’m not sure if you wife would fall into that because she is deaf, possibly, they could get her the help she obviously needs. She seems uphappy too if not she wouldn’t be drinking so much and so unwilling to be sexual and listen to your idea of both of you quitting weed.

 

[Rose58]

Hi, I'm new here, 5 mins ago I was looking for ways to commit suicide, now I just want to write down everything that has led me to this point to see if there is a way forward.

I'm 40, I'm married with one child who is the light of my life and my only reason for living. I have been married for 12 years, at first it was good and fun. Over this time my wife has become an alcoholic, not the stereotype we are used to, drinking spirits as soon as she wakes up, no this is more of the modern type - half a box of wine a night plus 2 to 4 cans of beer after our son has gone to bed. Enough to be staggering around, dropping things bumping into things. She is also deaf and relies on lip reading as well as hearing aids, the more she drinks the less she concentrates on the lip reading making conversation impossible.

We also both smoke a couple of joints a night - yes I know this can contribute to depression too. I've tried to stop, suggested that we both do it but she won't so then I have the constant temptation there at my fingertips, eventually I give in. An excuse I know, weakness I know.

I couldn't say when I fell out of love with her, but it must have been sometime in the last 6 years. I don't believe she has ever loved me, depended on me yes, saw me as someone to protect her and support her financially, but not love. Not the love I believe in, when you would do anything for that person, all you want is for them to be happy, safe and feel...well loved.

We haven't been...intimate...for a long time. I'm not just talking about sex here, I'm talking about making love, where you are in it for the other persons pleasure. We've had occasional drunk sex but I don't want that anymore. We now even sleep in separate rooms.

I am also dealing with some health issues meaning I am not mobile anymore. I used to go to the gym 3 times a week, between those days I was pretty active in other ways. Now it hurts to walk to the kitchen, other days it is ok but it could hurt at any moment. The Doctor says it looks like I will have to go for some major surgery to put it right meaning I will be on crutches for 3 to 4 months. My wife practically accused me of lying about this yesterday because it was one of the good days, last week I was nearly on the floor in pain.

I have been thinking of leaving but I cannot leave my son, I could kick her out but believe it or not I do actually care about her, it would destroy her, not to mention the effect it would have on my son. My intention was to hold out as best I can until he is old enough to leave home, but is that the right thing to do? Not sure how it would work financially either, her name is on the mortgage although she doesn't really contribute. She works a little, 10 to 12 hours a week, but probably just about covers her drinking...

She only cleans once a week, the house is a mess most of the time. I work 40 to 60 hours a week usually, before my health problems started, that includes travel time. When it came to the weekend I would be asked to help tidy up which infuriated me. These days I am pretty apathetic about it, probably the strong painkillers I'm on.

Anyway this message has gone on long enough now, can anyone offer any advice?

___
I am sorry that you are so unhappy. I have had much struggle and disappointment at times so I get it. I have been married twice. The first marriage lasted 9 years. I went through much heartache there. Apparently, he did too because he gave up on trying several years in and started looking around for other companionship. He didn't leave as he didn't want to be alone during his search. He finally settled on one of my sisters. I married for the second time 33 years ago. Our kids are grown and have thriving lives of their own. We have gone through much. I can't tell you how many times we fell out of love and wanted to give up on each other. Just before our kids were old enough to leave home we went to a couples weekend to build stronger marriages. It really was a strong pivotal point in our marriage; so strong that we decided we wanted to encourage other couples to stay together and enjoy their relationships so we got involved in a couples ministry. Things have been on the upswing since then for sure. That was about 12 years ago. Countless couples give up for sure once the kids leave the nest but we got better. It didn't happen by accident. I personally made the decision to be purposeful. I did not want our relationship to be a casualty. I knew things could be much better and I wanted the best. There is a lot of great information out there on the truth about marriage. There is a process we go through when we fall in love. Part of that process is falling out of love. Then the real work comes. Fighting for our spouse, fighting for the relationship. Communication is key and with your wife being deaf you guys have a special challenge. One of the most crippling thing in relationships are expectations. We don't even realize that we have them most of the time. We expect our spouse would love us a certain way and we have different views of what love is; or do all the stuff we never wanted to do or don't know how. We can even expect a person to be all the things we ever thought we wanted our wife or husband to be. Each person has a list of things they secretly feel that if those things don't happen then our marriage has failed and or, we are done. Your wife knows how your feeling even if she can't see your face to know what you want to say. She is feeling unloved and unwanted, just as you are. We get married to a person we thought we knew and find out we don't know them at all. The truth is that if we decide to be the very best husband or wife we can be in the moment at hand, the best version of ourselves, then we have the best chance of finding out that our spouse is even better than we imagined. Not the same person but better. It's all in our attitude. We owe it to ourselves, we owe it to our spouse and to our children. We are teaching our kids about life while we live it. They also need us to be the best version of ourselves, one moment at a time. Some days are definitely better than others but it's a practice. A journey. What my husband and I have found in our journey is, the best stuff comes after all the really tough times. Most people just give up and they never get to see it. They keep starting over with someone new, only to find similar issues cropping up. And about kids being resilient; I know countless people from broken marriages and most of them struggle more through life. They blame themselves usually and there are other issues too. I encourage you to decide that your marriage is going to be the one that encourages other couples to strive for the best. You should definitely consider going to a marriage counselor or going on a marriage retreat. I know it's really hard sometimes but you know as well as I do that the best stuff always is. My husband and I are still getting better and have room to grow. Everyone does. I wish you and your precious family the very best.

 

[PersonaNonGrata]

Thank you, I’ve looked into marriage counselling before when I first saw the cracks appearing but they all said she needs to stop drinking before they can help. I suggest both to her but she isn’t interested. I asked if she was happy with our life, our marriage and she said she was. I suggested that maybe she wasn’t which is why she drinks but she thinks her drinking is normal. I’ve come the the conclusion that you really can’t make that horse drink after leading it to the water, it takes 2 to want to fix things...

 

[Rose58]

Thank you, I’ve looked into marriage counselling before when I first saw the cracks appearing but they all said she needs to stop drinking before they can help. I suggest both to her but she isn’t interested. I asked if she was happy with our life, our marriage and she said she was. I suggested that maybe she wasn’t which is why she drinks but she thinks her drinking is normal. I’ve come the the conclusion that you really can’t make that horse drink after leading it to the water, it takes 2 to want to fix things...

My husband was not on board either. I made my mind up to love him anyway. I knew he needed someone who would not give up on him. His dad left when he was just a few years old and life was really tough for him, his mom and siblings. Personal counseling may be something torealy think about as we all come to the table with junk in the trunk. Some call it baggage. We can not even see how it is affecting our relationships. I learned that a relationship is more about looking at myself and what I can improve than looking at my husband and deciding what he should be doing to make me happy. I learned that all the hard way.

 

[Walker]

This is all some great advice, @Rose58 Great job.

Persona, this post is very similar to what's going on with me as well. Though I find Rose's advice, above, to be fantastic, this place works because it takes all kinds to make it whirl. Right?
I'm in the same situation as you are, man. Not exactly the same because I don't have a kid involved and that does complicate things. I think I'm opting out of mine though. Maybe with a kid I'd feel differently (mine is grown and we have a son in the house, hers, but he is also an adult). I told my wife this past week I'm not feeling it anymore. Only you know whether this is worth saving. Your son may be the priority here -- is he worth more than an alcoholic mom? Take him with you and go.

 

[MarkahMalady]

Speaking from personal experience, I was somewhat like the wife in your situation a few years ago. Using and taking advantage of my ex who I disrespected constantly, cheated on for years and was honestly repulsed by. When I met my current husband I dumped the ex like a sack of shit, he wept, I didn't have a single feeling for him and hadn't in years.
Why did I waste my time on him when I hated him? Why did he waste his time on me though I constantly disrespected him? If you aren't honestly in love and she's not honestly in love maybe you're just wasting each other's time.