How should I tell my parents that I will be living on college campus? Is it worth it at all?

[BlueKoala]

Hello, it's bluekoala here again.

I wanted to live on the college campus away from my parents since they've put me through less than stellar experiences and my mental health (along with self esteem) is horrible because of them. I'd like to ask some advice:

How should I tell them that I'll be living on a college campus? I'm planing to take out loans to do so, and to pay for the guarantee fee out of my own pocket. I don't want to continue relying on people who don't love me, and who would be willing to kick me out if I even get bad grades because I'm heavily depressed, instead of actually asking me kindly, with concern, about why my performance is bad. I have genuine reason to believe that they don't legitimately love me, and that I'm literally just a responsibility that they'll only "love" me when I fit their standards of behavior and beliefs.

I feel like if I'll stay here, then my mental health will only continue to get worse, and they won't treat me like an adult. They say that they want me to live at home for the first year, but I feel like they'll just pull the "you're not responsible/mature enough" card when I, in fact, have known how to cook, clean, etc. since I was a child. Plus, my grades aren't bad now, either...

So, what do you all think? Should I go and live on campus from my first year and have a potential huge fight, or should I tell them that I'll live with them the first year, but after that, I'll for sure live on campus?

 

[may71]

They say that they want me to live at home for the first year, but I feel like they'll just pull the "you're not responsible/mature enough" card

I expect that too. I think they are just stringing you along.

It's been a while since I've seen one of your posts, but if I recall correctly, it sounds to me like your parents are emotionally dependent on you, they are addicted to having you under their control and having you as an abuse object. The threat that you'll be out of their control would be like trying to make an alcoholic or drug addict give up their addiction.

It sounds like they'll fight like hell to keep you under their thumb. They'll fight dirty if they have to.

The trevor project might be a good source of advice and support (if you're actively suicidal, I'd recommend caution in what you say to them because I understand they will get 911 involved without consent in some cases, like if they think you're at risk for a suicide attempt in the near future).

In my humble opinion:

1. You should be confident that the school you go to is one that you'll be able to graduate from without any trouble, and that the loan payments will be affordable. In principle, there might be some scholarships or other financial aid available to you.

2. You should be confident that you'll be able to get a job that will support you after you graduate. I understand a lot of students do internship programs that lead to jobs after they graduate.

3. If you get these things set up, try to make them think you'll be staying at home. Try to find a day when they are away, or otherwise there is an opportunity to escape. Then get out and don't look back.

4. You'd also have to set up work or school, and the related housing for summers and any mandatory school year vacations.

It may be helpful to have something like a restraining order set up in advance. An advisor who has the ability to get deep into the details would be invaluable, but what help I can offer is only limited.

It's got to be terrifying to think of being so suddenly completely independent from your parents, but I think your choice is to either get completely independent, or to let your parents devour your life.

 

[BlueKoala]

I expect that too. I think they are just stringing you along.

It's been a while since I've seen one of your posts, but if I recall correctly, it sounds to me like your parents are emotionally dependent on you, they are addicted to having you under their control and having you as an abuse object. The threat that you'll be out of their control would be like trying to make an alcoholic or drug addict give up their addiction.

It sounds like they'll fight like hell to keep you under their thumb. They'll fight dirty if they have to.

The trevor project might be a good source of advice and support (if you're actively suicidal, I'd recommend caution in what you say to them because I understand they will get 911 involved without consent in some cases, like if they think you're at risk for a suicide attempt in the near future).

In my humble opinion:

1. You should be confident that the school you go to is one that you'll be able to graduate from without any trouble, and that the loan payments will be affordable. In principle, there might be some scholarships or other financial aid available to you.

2. You should be confident that you'll be able to get a job that will support you after you graduate. I understand a lot of students do internship programs that lead to jobs after they graduate.

3. If you get these things set up, try to make them think you'll be staying at home. Try to find a day when they are away, or otherwise there is an opportunity to escape. Then get out and don't look back.

4. You'd also have to set up work or school, and the related housing for summers and any mandatory school year vacations.

It may be helpful to have something like a restraining order set up in advance. An advisor who has the ability to get deep into the details would be invaluable, but what help I can offer is only limited.

It's got to be terrifying to think of being so suddenly completely independent from your parents, but I think your choice is to either get completely independent, or to let your parents devour your life.

Thank you. In reality, it sounds and feels very scary. I do want to reason with them, and to show them just how much they’re wrongfully treated me (and still do), but it feels like they won’t really grasp what I’m saying fully if I do — case and point, my mom. Told her about how everything made me feel and to wager extent, and she felt apologetic. Except, now she thinks that I’m “overly sensitive” because she had it worse in her family… even if I tell them, then they’ll just get extremely angry and i

I have housing set up — one of my close friends is able to help me out for some time if I get kicked out/not be able to have housing over the summer, winter breaks, etc.

Not sure entirely about the financial side of things, though. I’ll still have to take out loans, but I DO have some scholarships already, but not enough to pay me through college. I knew all throughout high school that I’d still have to take them out anyway, but I need to get financial aid set up. I’ve been asking my dad to help me but he doesn’t want to, so I’ll have to do it myself soon. Honestly, I wasn’t sure why he’d be on board to help me with financial aid, anyway, but I still tried to ask him. I’ll try and do it myself, if that’s possible.

thank you so much for the advice, it’s helpful! I’ll try to get through this the best way I can.

 

[may71]

Thank you.

You're welcome!

In reality, it sounds and feels very scary

That's understandable.

I do want to reason with them

In principle, you may be able to have a better relationship with your parents in the future, but as long as they have control, they may tend to cling to familiar patterns of control and abuse. They'll probably need something the forces them to change, and as long as they can control you, that's not really possible.

now she thinks that I’m “overly sensitive” because she had it worse in her family

I think it just kind of underscores the level of dysfunction. Your mom seems to perceive violence and abuse in family life as normal and ok.

I DO have some scholarships already

That's good news. If your school is affordable enough, scholarships and loans should allow you to get a degree and have affordable payments after you graduate.

Does your school have an advisor that can help you work out financial issues?

 

[BlueKoala]

You're welcome!

That's understandable.

In principle, you may be able to have a better relationship with your parents in the future, but as long as they have control, they may tend to cling to familiar patterns of control and abuse. They'll probably need something the forces them to change, and as long as they can control you, that's not really possible.

I think it just kind of underscores the level of dysfunction. Your mom seems to perceive violence and abuse in family life as normal and ok.

That's good news. If your school is affordable enough, scholarships and loans should allow you to get a degree and have affordable payments after you graduate.

Does your school have an advisor that can help you work out financial issues?

I want to have a better relationship with them in the future, but on the other hand, I don't even know if that's possible...I'm not straight, and they are literally the most homophobic people in my family. So, I'm almost certain that they'll disown me sooner or later, no matter what...

I think my mom's reaction can be explained (but definitely not excused) with the fact that my family comes from a culture that treats violence against children as "discipline", even to this day.

I do have a couple of college advisors, and I kind of haven't thought about contacting them with help. It's kind of silly in hindsight, but I'll do that soon. Thank you so much for your help. : )