stuck in place yet again
I would like to share a deep dark secret with you guys that I dare not share with anyone. No, it's not murder or anything of that sort. So the thing is I have a issue with unconsciously obsessing and inability to move on (this isn't the secret part). I hate regretting but my body does anyway every time I blurt out things I do not want to say unconsciously in public places. I hate myself for it and can't stop myself from doing. Especially since, I'm that stereotypical loner, quiet kid, imagine blurting out random suicidal things, or things about random fetish, someone I used to know at school, or repeat myself for no reason. I also talked really oddly to my manager at work. Or call my art teacher a bitch in class or tell a kid to shut up randomly. They say it's anxiety, or like a type of panick attack but no one helps me figure out how to stop it. The best advice from my therapist was to find a new hobby, get out the house more, and stop thinkinv about it. There is this weird thing I do sometimes I see people in my class and act avoidan to around them when I oddly go oh I don't think I can get along with this person and they think I have a crush on them. Like it happened with our school drug dealer. Like I have a tendency to space out and day dream with my adhd and his seat faces mine. One day my we sat in different seats for a stupid class activity and he sat near me. I sat kept looking at my phone and clock cuz my game keeps crashing and I hated being there. The guy whispers to his friend that I might have a crush on me. I wanted to denying it since I had a crush on my close friend, and didn't want to act like I overheard. So i end up looking back at my phone and clock till class ended. I guess from then that I started noticing that guy and his name stuck in my head. I want nothing.to do with him and his name keeps popping up in my head even if I see other ppl with same.first or last name I am sick of it. There is also me, who saw this anime with a cliffhanger. Where the main female character got put in a weird situation with vampire cuz of her dad. I subconsciously ended up making a OC where I constantly imagine in my head of scenarios where my OC helps that character repeatedly and daydream about it. The setting does not change only the way my OC interacts. I do this Hundreds and thousand times a day. Enough for me to have even lucid dreams of that situation twice. Enough for my OC to become a persona of me. I have no friends so I end up imagining my OC sharing anything new I learned in that situation. I also obssess over a color, image, a aong, anything I didn't like slowly start to go into my head and never leaves. I don't want this I really don't want this. I really don't want this. I also hate saying the opposite of I mean in critical situations. I know I have a social anxiety problem. I know I have a problem with ADHD, insomnia, Stress, Anxiety, may be even autism. I can't stop. I just can't stop. I really wanto turn my OC into a character and a story. I don't want her to be a persona. My therapist doesn't even give me time to talk about all this. I am so sick of this. I hate this. I just want anyone to help me move on. Please.