TW — Abuse(?), Trans/Homophobia, Depressive thoughts, etc.
Hello, everyone. This is more of a rant than anything.
I’m so tired of having to live with my parents. They don’t truly care for me, they just wanted a cute, obedient kid who grew up into a perfect adult who didn’t stray from their idea of who them wanted me to be.
From always comparing me to my childhood best friend when I was a kid, to threatening to put me up for adoption when I was a kid too, because of the fact that I had unmedicated ADHD (which both of my parents knew of). My mom would lash out on me screaming so many times, as did my dad.
In middle school, things got significantly worse. I started to procrastinate because of the huge workload that made me not want to do anything. They got mad. My dad started to physically hurt me, most of the time slapping me, sometimes to the point of me losing my balance. Every single day, all through our middle school.
I hated it. I would’ve rather jumped in front of a car than come back home, but I was too scared to actually do it. Spending months in the hospital with broken bones would’ve been a better fate than having to go back home to my parents, in my mind.
I even tried running away once, but I quickly returned, since I didn’t actually have a plan. I knew that I’d just be found, and I didn’t want to know what kind of punishment I’d have to endure if I was brought back home.
My dad had known it was a bad thing. It might’ve been “how he was brought up”, but he KNEW it wasn’t right. One day, he had told me, “don’t tell anyone what’s happening. You don’t want us to go to jail, right?”
Sad thing is, I had so many points where I nearly told teachers at school what was happening. Yet, right as I was about to do it, I got scared. “What if they go to jail? Then I’ll feel guilty and horrible. What if they don’t go to jail, and I’ll get beaten even worse?” Those were my reasons not to tell anyone.
I had severe depression, and the only reason why I even had the energy to do anything back then was because I was afraid of my parents hurting me and yelling at me. Literally the only reason — I had a friend at the time (the childhood best friend), but I rarely saw her because of her living far away at the time.
They had basically made my self esteem nonexistent. I was basically beaten for the fact that I had no motivation to do anything because of my depression.
My mom would talk in front of my dad about how if I didn’t get better grades, they’d disown me at 18. Wow, thanks mom, at least you’d wait till I was 18! What a kind hearted soul you are! (Sarcasm). My dad heard this, and instead of saying anything, he didn’t respond.
Even a couple of years ago, I overheard my mom talking to my dad about how they wanted to “get rid of me”, and “try again with a new kid.” I get it. It might’ve been a moment of anger, but…it reinforced a LOT the fact that I was disposable to them.
That’s what I am to them, after all — disposable. A cute Tomogachi. They would kiss me, and hug me, and cook me good food, and give me some advice, and buy me toys and clothes. They’d say they loved me more than anything in the world, yet they’d easily turn around a scream and hit me and tell me that they’d get rid of me a moment later.
And they’re surprised why my self esteem is so low. They keep telling about how I used to be so confident as a child, and now I’m not, and keep wondering why.
They’d turn around to me and after all of that, expect me to take care of them when they’re seniors. It’s not a request, it’s an expectation.
It hurts. A lot. Like, so much that I genuinely can’t express it.
I know that people have it worse than me, and I feel guilty because I’m over here complaining. And yeah, my parents had it worse with their own parents. But I just can’t take it anymore. Seeing other people with parents who aren’t like that hurts so so much. Not the fact that they have good relationships with their parents, but the fact that it’s so bad with mine.
My dad doesn’t want me to move away for college. He wants me to live at home for freshman year, and then “he’ll see if I’m responsible enough.”
Thing is, I’ve literally been cooking since I was 13, and cleaning since I was 10. I’ve been holding down a job for the past few months (my first job too), and at the same time as main thing my grades, cleaning the house, and main thing a social life. He says i can’t leave because I’m “lazy” when it’s really me just being depressed, but if I bring that up, it’ll be seen as an excuse. Also, the fact that I’m “immature”, because I act childish sometimes.
He knows I’m still depressed and suicidal. Both of my parents know.
When my mom found out, she started getting angry — saying things such as “why would you be depressed?! We give you everything!! We need to take away all of your electronics and manga and anime.” I’m not even joking. She was blaming the things that helped distract me from such thoughts.
I talked to my mom about everything, and she seemed really, really remorseful. But she doesn’t understand fully, I don’t think. That’s fine with me, I just don’t want my dad to hold me back.
He’s literally trying to use my ADHD diagnosis against me, so that I won’t leave to live on a college campus. He wants to use it as an excuse for me “not being able to live at college”. That’s literal BS. I have the ability to take care of myself, but he doesn’t think that, or he’s just controlling me. To be honest, I’m not surprised if it’s both.
I’m just tired. I’ve been having so many breakdowns in school because of this. I mean, not to mention that I’m bi/pan and they’re homophobic/transphobic, and the fact that I’m agnostic, and the fact that I don’t want to have children. Any of these are most likely enough for them to disown me, and most likely for me to be in severe physical danger.
I really want to leave. I don’t know what to do. It’s scary. I mean, I guess I know what to do, but it’ll result in a huge fight. I just want it to be over, I want to leave this place. I won’t tell my dad that I’m moving out until it’s time for me to do so. If he just happens to ask after I pay the deposit, I’ll tell him that I’m moving.
sorry for the long rant. Thank you so much if you’ve read this far. Two of my friends know (one of them doesn’t know about the physical abuse, though, since she’ll most likely call the police, and I really really don’t want that). So at least, I have that support, or I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore.
Hello, everyone. This is more of a rant than anything.
I’m so tired of having to live with my parents. They don’t truly care for me, they just wanted a cute, obedient kid who grew up into a perfect adult who didn’t stray from their idea of who them wanted me to be.
From always comparing me to my childhood best friend when I was a kid, to threatening to put me up for adoption when I was a kid too, because of the fact that I had unmedicated ADHD (which both of my parents knew of). My mom would lash out on me screaming so many times, as did my dad.
In middle school, things got significantly worse. I started to procrastinate because of the huge workload that made me not want to do anything. They got mad. My dad started to physically hurt me, most of the time slapping me, sometimes to the point of me losing my balance. Every single day, all through our middle school.
I hated it. I would’ve rather jumped in front of a car than come back home, but I was too scared to actually do it. Spending months in the hospital with broken bones would’ve been a better fate than having to go back home to my parents, in my mind.
I even tried running away once, but I quickly returned, since I didn’t actually have a plan. I knew that I’d just be found, and I didn’t want to know what kind of punishment I’d have to endure if I was brought back home.
My dad had known it was a bad thing. It might’ve been “how he was brought up”, but he KNEW it wasn’t right. One day, he had told me, “don’t tell anyone what’s happening. You don’t want us to go to jail, right?”
Sad thing is, I had so many points where I nearly told teachers at school what was happening. Yet, right as I was about to do it, I got scared. “What if they go to jail? Then I’ll feel guilty and horrible. What if they don’t go to jail, and I’ll get beaten even worse?” Those were my reasons not to tell anyone.
I had severe depression, and the only reason why I even had the energy to do anything back then was because I was afraid of my parents hurting me and yelling at me. Literally the only reason — I had a friend at the time (the childhood best friend), but I rarely saw her because of her living far away at the time.
They had basically made my self esteem nonexistent. I was basically beaten for the fact that I had no motivation to do anything because of my depression.
My mom would talk in front of my dad about how if I didn’t get better grades, they’d disown me at 18. Wow, thanks mom, at least you’d wait till I was 18! What a kind hearted soul you are! (Sarcasm). My dad heard this, and instead of saying anything, he didn’t respond.
Even a couple of years ago, I overheard my mom talking to my dad about how they wanted to “get rid of me”, and “try again with a new kid.” I get it. It might’ve been a moment of anger, but…it reinforced a LOT the fact that I was disposable to them.
That’s what I am to them, after all — disposable. A cute Tomogachi. They would kiss me, and hug me, and cook me good food, and give me some advice, and buy me toys and clothes. They’d say they loved me more than anything in the world, yet they’d easily turn around a scream and hit me and tell me that they’d get rid of me a moment later.
And they’re surprised why my self esteem is so low. They keep telling about how I used to be so confident as a child, and now I’m not, and keep wondering why.
They’d turn around to me and after all of that, expect me to take care of them when they’re seniors. It’s not a request, it’s an expectation.
It hurts. A lot. Like, so much that I genuinely can’t express it.
I know that people have it worse than me, and I feel guilty because I’m over here complaining. And yeah, my parents had it worse with their own parents. But I just can’t take it anymore. Seeing other people with parents who aren’t like that hurts so so much. Not the fact that they have good relationships with their parents, but the fact that it’s so bad with mine.
My dad doesn’t want me to move away for college. He wants me to live at home for freshman year, and then “he’ll see if I’m responsible enough.”
Thing is, I’ve literally been cooking since I was 13, and cleaning since I was 10. I’ve been holding down a job for the past few months (my first job too), and at the same time as main thing my grades, cleaning the house, and main thing a social life. He says i can’t leave because I’m “lazy” when it’s really me just being depressed, but if I bring that up, it’ll be seen as an excuse. Also, the fact that I’m “immature”, because I act childish sometimes.
He knows I’m still depressed and suicidal. Both of my parents know.
When my mom found out, she started getting angry — saying things such as “why would you be depressed?! We give you everything!! We need to take away all of your electronics and manga and anime.” I’m not even joking. She was blaming the things that helped distract me from such thoughts.
I talked to my mom about everything, and she seemed really, really remorseful. But she doesn’t understand fully, I don’t think. That’s fine with me, I just don’t want my dad to hold me back.
He’s literally trying to use my ADHD diagnosis against me, so that I won’t leave to live on a college campus. He wants to use it as an excuse for me “not being able to live at college”. That’s literal BS. I have the ability to take care of myself, but he doesn’t think that, or he’s just controlling me. To be honest, I’m not surprised if it’s both.
I’m just tired. I’ve been having so many breakdowns in school because of this. I mean, not to mention that I’m bi/pan and they’re homophobic/transphobic, and the fact that I’m agnostic, and the fact that I don’t want to have children. Any of these are most likely enough for them to disown me, and most likely for me to be in severe physical danger.
I really want to leave. I don’t know what to do. It’s scary. I mean, I guess I know what to do, but it’ll result in a huge fight. I just want it to be over, I want to leave this place. I won’t tell my dad that I’m moving out until it’s time for me to do so. If he just happens to ask after I pay the deposit, I’ll tell him that I’m moving.
sorry for the long rant. Thank you so much if you’ve read this far. Two of my friends know (one of them doesn’t know about the physical abuse, though, since she’ll most likely call the police, and I really really don’t want that). So at least, I have that support, or I wouldn’t be able to take it anymore.
