I am Cancerous

[spl4tzy404]

For my entire life, I've felt like I've been surrounded by negativity. As a child, it was abuse and home and bullying. As an adult, it's the same. Now that I've lived a little more and went off to college, I'm realizing I am the problem. I wish I wasn't. I feel terrible for the way I make other people feel. The worst part is there is nothing I can do about it.
I thought maybe it's just being different, as I have ADHD and suspected autism, and that oftentimes puts people off. Then, I thought maybe I was just annoying. Then I thought maybe it was due to being ugly. I have finally realized that I am a giant ball of shit.
And I, the giant ball of shit, am stinking up everything around me. I can't be somewhere without ruining something for somebody. What really made me realize this was going to college. Living with people and them being forced to be around me literally ruined their semester. And I feel terrible about it. It makes me feel sick. I legit got nauseous when they finally told me how they felt. They said they'd rather all leave than stay with me-- even at the expense of being torn apart from themselves.
And that hurt.
I didn't do any of the traditional bad roommate things. I'm not dirty. I don't steal their things. I don't yell at them. I'm not loud. They agreed it wasn't anything I did. It's just that I'm so toxic, I'm literally rotting the air around me.
I don't want to live in this body. I don't want to be alive knowing all I've ever done is hurt everyone else. I give up.
I just had the cops called on me because a friend of mine thought I was feeling suicidal and I wormed my way out of being sent back to a clinic. The crazy thing is, they managed to come in right at the moment I was about to swallow all of my pills. After they left, another concerned friend had driven over and I spent an hour talking to him about the reality of me committing.
I've just caused too much hurt. I feel sick knowing I've done this and I can't wash my hands from it. I feel like a murderer. I feel evil and dirty.
I'm filled with so much guilt I genuinely cannot look in the mirror knowing that I'm the person that's made so many people unhappy. I'm so sick and disgusted right now. I am to the point of gagging.
I don't have much longer. I am scared.
I am so, so incredibly scared. I just wish I could be held and I just wanna cry. I just wanna cry and cry and cry and take all of the hurt back. God, I wish I knew what I do that hurts everyone so I could fix it. I wish I could fix something. I just want to make everything alright again.
Thank you to everyone who's been so supportive on here idk how much longer I'll be updating. I seriously love you guys so much.

 

[Lara_C]

They agreed it wasn't anything I did. It's just that I'm so toxic, I'm literally rotting the air around me.

God, I wish I knew what I do that hurts everyone so I could fix it.

Those people who called you toxic are toxic imo. I'm sorry you met such heartless, cruel, ppl when you are hurting this bad and in need of understanding and kindness. You didn't hurt them, they hurt you by their callousness.

I am so, so incredibly scared. I just wish I could be held and I just wanna cry. I just wanna cry and cry and cry and take all of the hurt back.

Please don't believe them and stay safe. Believe me, they are not worth you losing your life and there are other ppl who would never treat you so badly. Stay with us here until you feel stronger and pour your hurt out to us.. You need support just now to help you through this horrible experience. My heart goes out to you, please don't be scared, things will get better with the right support and if you just keep going.

 

[nicktheundoer]

For my entire life, I've felt like I've been surrounded by negativity. As a child, it was abuse and home and bullying. As an adult, it's the same. Now that I've lived a little more and went off to college, I'm realizing I am the problem. I wish I wasn't. I feel terrible for the way I make other people feel. The worst part is there is nothing I can do about it.
I thought maybe it's just being different, as I have ADHD and suspected autism, and that oftentimes puts people off. Then, I thought maybe I was just annoying. Then I thought maybe it was due to being ugly. I have finally realized that I am a giant ball of shit.
And I, the giant ball of shit, am stinking up everything around me. I can't be somewhere without ruining something for somebody. What really made me realize this was going to college. Living with people and them being forced to be around me literally ruined their semester. And I feel terrible about it. It makes me feel sick. I legit got nauseous when they finally told me how they felt. They said they'd rather all leave than stay with me-- even at the expense of being torn apart from themselves.
And that hurt.
I didn't do any of the traditional bad roommate things. I'm not dirty. I don't steal their things. I don't yell at them. I'm not loud. They agreed it wasn't anything I did. It's just that I'm so toxic, I'm literally rotting the air around me.
I don't want to live in this body. I don't want to be alive knowing all I've ever done is hurt everyone else. I give up.
I just had the cops called on me because a friend of mine thought I was feeling suicidal and I wormed my way out of being sent back to a clinic. The crazy thing is, they managed to come in right at the moment I was about to swallow all of my pills. After they left, another concerned friend had driven over and I spent an hour talking to him about the reality of me committing.
I've just caused too much hurt. I feel sick knowing I've done this and I can't wash my hands from it. I feel like a murderer. I feel evil and dirty.
I'm filled with so much guilt I genuinely cannot look in the mirror knowing that I'm the person that's made so many people unhappy. I'm so sick and disgusted right now. I am to the point of gagging.
I don't have much longer. I am scared.
I am so, so incredibly scared. I just wish I could be held and I just wanna cry. I just wanna cry and cry and cry and take all of the hurt back. God, I wish I knew what I do that hurts everyone so I could fix it. I wish I could fix something. I just want to make everything alright again.
Thank you to everyone who's been so supportive on here idk how much longer I'll be updating. I seriously love you guys so much.

I don't know what to say. I just wish you'd love yourself YOU MATTER. YOU ARE LOVED. I wish every happiness in the world for you. My prayers with you,dear friend.❤️❤️

 

[Lane]

I bet the people in your life care very much about you. I wish you healing and good health. You are a good person @spl4tzy404.

 

[Congratsbaby]

For my entire life, I've felt like I've been surrounded by negativity. As a child, it was abuse and home and bullying. As an adult, it's the same. Now that I've lived a little more and went off to college, I'm realizing I am the problem. I wish I wasn't. I feel terrible for the way I make other people feel. The worst part is there is nothing I can do about it.
I thought maybe it's just being different, as I have ADHD and suspected autism, and that oftentimes puts people off. Then, I thought maybe I was just annoying. Then I thought maybe it was due to being ugly. I have finally realized that I am a giant ball of shit.
And I, the giant ball of shit, am stinking up everything around me. I can't be somewhere without ruining something for somebody. What really made me realize this was going to college. Living with people and them being forced to be around me literally ruined their semester. And I feel terrible about it. It makes me feel sick. I legit got nauseous when they finally told me how they felt. They said they'd rather all leave than stay with me-- even at the expense of being torn apart from themselves.
And that hurt.
I didn't do any of the traditional bad roommate things. I'm not dirty. I don't steal their things. I don't yell at them. I'm not loud. They agreed it wasn't anything I did. It's just that I'm so toxic, I'm literally rotting the air around me.
I don't want to live in this body. I don't want to be alive knowing all I've ever done is hurt everyone else. I give up.
I just had the cops called on me because a friend of mine thought I was feeling suicidal and I wormed my way out of being sent back to a clinic. The crazy thing is, they managed to come in right at the moment I was about to swallow all of my pills. After they left, another concerned friend had driven over and I spent an hour talking to him about the reality of me committing.
I've just caused too much hurt. I feel sick knowing I've done this and I can't wash my hands from it. I feel like a murderer. I feel evil and dirty.
I'm filled with so much guilt I genuinely cannot look in the mirror knowing that I'm the person that's made so many people unhappy. I'm so sick and disgusted right now. I am to the point of gagging.
I don't have much longer. I am scared.
I am so, so incredibly scared. I just wish I could be held and I just wanna cry. I just wanna cry and cry and cry and take all of the hurt back. God, I wish I knew what I do that hurts everyone so I could fix it. I wish I could fix something. I just want to make everything alright again.
Thank you to everyone who's been so supportive on here idk how much longer I'll be updating. I seriously love you guys so much.

Hello. I am a bit afraid to say the wrong thing as you're suicidal , but I hope my words wouldn't hurt you in any way , if they do please let me know and I will keep that in mind from next time but I am gonna write hoping it will help you in some way.
I don't know your story but I have seen you in , I think some big thread saying something along the lines that you " rot " the air around you.

You don't deserve all this , you can cry and it's good for you.

YK , reading this. I don't think you rot the air around you. I think the people were shitty. Like wdym you rot the air? That's not it. That was rude! And super immature of them , people can not like people but that's not how you deal with things.

I am sorry that you constantly had to deal with such people who made you feel like it. It sucks , being an outsider or atleast feeling like it. It's not easy and you're going through so much. But please know and I hope you see it too someday that your worth is not connected to people and how they treat you.

Also , maybe you have done something. Maybe you had. That's human , we all have done something. We all have , we all are grey people. No one is god and no one is demon. You realising this , if you had done something ( which to the context of this thread I do not believe) you realising that you have done it is a big thing in itself.

Don't let them Gaslight you. You will find people , I hope you will. I hope you find yourself too because I believe that's so important and that's gonna help you build the foundation where you wouldn't care about toxicity or toxic people so much or atleast it wouldn't affect you so much.

You're not ugly. You're not weird. You're human. You're not rotten. You're not someone who makes other people unhappy , noooo

YK who made a lot of people unhappy? Those people who called you " you rot the air " like I am genuinely so mad right now, wtf?

And they made me unhappy , they made you unhappy , they will made every single person who's gonna read this thread unhappy!

You're doing your best , even that might have not been the right thing. You did the best in your power and I am proud of you and I am hoping that you come out of this.

I also believe that you can , there's hope. It's in you and it's outside too. Sf is one of those places.

 

[may71]

I wish I knew what I do that hurts everyone so I could fix it

I don't think you're doing anything wrong or that you did anything wrong. This is what I think has happened:

You had a lot of abuse and blame heaped on you by your family, because they felt like abusing and blaming somebody, and you were the easiest target for that. You also were sensitive and wanted to please others, so you took all the blame for their abuse to heart rather than hating them for what they did.

When you left for college, you were very depressed, and so for your peers, you were only a "wet blanket" which more or less means the same as "rotting the air" around you. In other words, they have a mostly selfish agenda, and supporting someone who is depressed is not part of that. It would also be unsurprising if some of your peers also wanted to attack you, for similar reasons to your family, in other words, to do it because they felt like abusing someone and they knew they could get away with it.

I think you've been unaware of how common it is for people to behave disgracefully when they can get away with it, so you blame yourself, not them. It's important to get out from under this so that you can help yourself, but also to help others who are just like you and going through the same things.

You're in the difficult position of being the survivor of childhood abuse. You're not to blame for it, and you're not to blame for the fact that establishing good relationships now is difficult. You just have to find a way out of it, and with some help, maybe you will.

 

[KM76710]

I am glad we are here to show you support and that you are receiving it. I hope we can always make you feel less alone and less scared as you go forward.

 

[may71]

or my entire life, I've felt like I've been surrounded by negativity

I think that's true.

As a child, it was abuse and home and bullying. As an adult, it's the same. Now that I've lived a little more and went off to college, I'm realizing I am the problem

Imagine your parents had a dog. The dog was loving, loyal, and forgiving. Every time they got angry, they'd kick the dog. Any time something went wrong that could be blamed on the dog, they blamed the dog.

Why would they treat their dog that way? Well, because they felt like it. And they could get away with it. They liked being able to express their anger through violence whenever they liked, even if the target of their violence was innocent. They liked having someone to blame, because they didn't want to blame themselves. They liked having someone to abuse, because abusing them made them feel powerful, and like they had higher rank.

Did the dog deserve to be treated this way? No, of course not. It was exactly because it didn't deserve to be treated that way that it was abused. They knew they would always be forgiven, and the dog wouldn't bite them. They could always just behave however they wanted to, because there would never be any negative consequences for themselves.

Now let's say there were some kids in the neighborhood. The dog's bones were so broken that it couldn't run and play anymore. It could just sit and cry, and maybe limp a little. The kids didn't want to play with the dog because it was no fun. Maybe they'd even throw rocks at it, not because the dog deserved it, but because they too knew they wouldn't face any consequences, and they felt like abusing the dog.

So maybe after all of this, the dog thought it must be a bad dog, because why else would everyone treat it so badly.

You're like the dog that's been beaten too much. Your parents are like the ones who beat it. The kids in the neighborhood are like your peers in college.

So I hope there's a way you can get out from under this, both for your own sake, and for the sake of all the other beaten dogs of the world. I think you're a good and caring person, and the world desperately needs people like you in it.

 

[Lara_C]

God, I wish I knew what I do that hurts everyone so I could fix it. I wish I could fix something

Victims of child neglect and abuse very often blame themselves as if they caused the abuse. Children are completely dependent on adults to take care of them and keep them safe and when these adults don't do that it's terrifying and psychologically intolerable for the dependent child who is at their mercy. To cope with this fear the child takes on the blame thinking that they are 'not good enough' and if they were better the adults around them wouldn't beat them or yell at them. Accepting blame is an attempt to feel some control in a frightening situation which is actually not within the child's control at all. It's a defence mechanism arising from real fear caused by abuse. Of course this doesn't work because the fault is in the adults, not the child, and the neglect and abuse continues, with the child growing into an adult who feels there is something inherently wrong with them which makes them unloved and unloveable

 

[allone]

Because society is so POSITIVE AND PEACEFULLY LIVE IN HARMONY. This happens everywhere. Every people who are just minding their own business just because they got the loser trait like not following the sheeple same pattern or not conforming like a machochist herd they all act like government elites. They manipulate to make themselves look good and paint them like the good guys and angels while having the addictive urge to bullying the victim targets for FUN. That's why bullying never disappears. It is necessary to exist so people can be massed sheeped to be all fake pretentious positive manipulative paint me good while I'm bullying this person and paint me validative. lol clown fest. Stay away from humans. They are really psychos and very really danger.

People are cancerous.