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I am not even aware of my own pain

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#1
Like the title says. I am in so much pain, I cannot differentiate what is the difference between positivity and negativity since I believe that they are reversed. My self-esteem is so low, I cannot fathom the idea that I'm worth anything. Worth being loved, worth being a friend, worth being a son, worth being a real person. I fake happiness everyday automatically, and I do not even notice at all. The only times I'm ever happy is that, my best friend is able to tell me I'm worth being a friend, worth being loved. In those moments she genuinely believes I deserve love, I cry. Sadness is the only emotion I cannot fake. I was taught by my parents that I should be hated and that I am worth less than the money they earn or manipulate to obtain. I feel guilty for everything. I feel guilty for existing. I feel guilty for feeling guilty. The only reason I do not SH or S, is because my best friend put so much effort into me, I cannot take what she built away from her. I do not want her to become like me. I believe I am an evil and terrible person........even though, as she fairly judges me, I am not. I will continue to learn how to cry and love myself until, for now, until her last breath. I hope she never leaves this universe.
 
#2
I'm sorry that you're suffering so much

I'm glad you've got your friend though

My self-esteem is so low, I cannot fathom the idea that I'm worth anything
You have inherent worth as a human being.

It sounds like you have abusive parents who have given you negative messages about yourself that you have taken to heart
 

Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Sorry you are feeling so low. I hope venting about it helped some bit. I am so glad you have that awesome friend there for you, that's exactly what you need. Someone to understand. Hugs, hope to begin to feel better soon (hugs)
 
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