I am not myself

[merlin123]

I am not a good person. I am tired of having this fake mask in hopes of becoming it. After all these many years of trying to be another person, I don't see much change. Inside, I am still the same kid I was before trying to change

I try to control those impulses the best I can so my real self doesn't come out, but it does, and that's when I realize that no matter how much I have been trying to change, I am still the same

All you see, all everyone sees, is fake. I don't like my real self and people don't either. I am selfish, unbearable, bitter, cold, and depressed. I can't trust anyone, and the closer someone gets to me the less I trust

The only thing that I got for trying to change myself was becoming unstable, getting more depressed, and having a strong generalized anxiety. It is getting worse and I am tired

 

[Sunspots]

Hey, we see the real you and we like what we see. Don't let that sneaky lier called depression tell you anything else. ((((Hugs))))

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

Everybody is walking around with a mask, hiding all of the deep dark stuff behind it. Facebook is well named, it's an online extension of the masks people wear all the time. It's normal and natural Merlin, there's nothing wrong.

 

[merlin123]

Hey, we see the real you and we like what we see. Don't let that sneaky lier called depression tell you anything else. ((((Hugs))))

You can't see the real me because I'm not showing it here. Here I tell some intimate stuff about how I feel or some random things that are in my head, but I think bad things quite often. Bad things towards others, and I don't want to. I am full of hate and I don't want to feel like this, but many years have passed and nothing has changed. I've been trying for so many years with no result that I'm hopeless right now

Everybody is walking around with a mask, hiding all of the deep dark stuff behind it. Facebook is well named, it's an online extension of the masks people wear all the time. It's normal and natural Merlin, there's nothing wrong.

I don't know... I can't act naturally with anyone, bad thoughts keep coming in my head, I try to mess myself up constantly and I have many impulses I have to control. It's quite energy consuming and I am tired of faking, of controlling every thing that is in my head. I am so selfish, I try to care for others but sometimes I just can't, I can't avoid feeling hate

It's just that I want to love and feel loved and be kind and help others but as soon as someone gets close to me I start pushing them aside treating them bad and making them hate me. I don't understand anything anymore

 

[Human Ex Machinae]

You can't see the real me because I'm not showing it here. Here I tell some intimate stuff about how I feel or some random things that are in my head, but I think bad things quite often. Bad things towards others, and I don't want to. I am full of hate and I don't want to feel like this, but many years have passed and nothing has changed. I've been trying for so many years with no result that I'm hopeless right now

I don't know... I can't act naturally with anyone, bad thoughts keep coming in my head, I try to mess myself up constantly and I have many impulses I have to control. It's quite energy consuming and I am tired of faking, of controlling every thing that is in my head. I am so selfish, I try to care for others but sometimes I just can't, I can't avoid feeling hate

It's just that I want to love and feel loved and be kind and help others but as soon as someone gets close to me I start pushing them aside treating them bad and making them hate me. I don't understand anything anymore

What helped me deal with and pretty much eliminate hatred from my life was gradually coming to the understanding that I'm no different from anyone else. That the world isn't divided between good people and bad people. We're all just people, all doing the best that we can. I'm not good and I'm not bad, I'm just a people. When somebody does something that harms us or effects us negatively in some way, they aren't being 'evil', they're just failing, sometimes failing spectacularly. They shouldn't be hated any more than I should, when I fail.

When it comes to loving and feeling loved, and being kind and helpful to others, everybody has to start with themselves. When people learn how to love themselves and be kind and helpful to themselves, over time that grows to encompass others that they come into contact with during their lives. Hey, don't get me wrong, I ain't the Dali Llama myself, I'm still on that road, trying to learn how to do all that stuff. But it doesn't take much to bring more contentment and peace to life, a little goes a long way.

 

[Sunspots]

I think bad things quite often. Bad things towards others, and I don't want to. I am full of hate and I don't want to feel like this,

Hey, we all think bad thoughts about others sometimes because we're hurting. It doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you human.

 

[merlin123]

What helped me deal with and pretty much eliminate hatred from my life was gradually coming to the understanding that I'm no different from anyone else. That the world isn't divided between good people and bad people. We're all just people, all doing the best that we can. I'm not good and I'm not bad, I'm just a people. When somebody does something that harms us or effects us negatively in some way, they aren't being 'evil', they're just failing, sometimes failing spectacularly. They shouldn't be hated any more than I should, when I fail.

When it comes to loving and feeling loved, and being kind and helpful to others, everybody has to start with themselves. When people learn how to love themselves and be kind and helpful to themselves, over time that grows to encompass others that they come into contact with during their lives. Hey, don't get me wrong, I ain't the Dali Llama myself, I'm still on that road, trying to learn how to do all that stuff. But it doesn't take much to bring more contentment and peace to life, a little goes a long way.

I used to have all this present, but all the stress and bad things have made me forget about it completely. If I have so much hate and resentment is mainly because of the hate and resentment I feel towards myself. I wish it wasn't that hard to forgive myself

Thank you for making me remember this