I cant do it - regression

[dying_inside]

In the last 2 weeks i've been focused on 2 points:
1. i cant go back to work anymore
2. i cant live at my flat alone anymore
i was ready to kill myself because the sick leave (i've been staying at my parents) ended yesterday and i wanted to avoid the two points expected to happen this coming monday.

yesterday i got to have the sick leave prolonged for another week and i felt so grateful and stupid for being fixated on those 2 points and decided to slowly face at least the second point.
so today i went at my flat with my mom to give me emotional and practical support but while i was there i realized i wouldnt be able to go back living there alone.
i started kicking the wall and crying saying i didnt want to go back there. what seemed a whiny point revealed itself being real.

now i dont know what will happen with work but im afraid it will be the same. it will turn out i am unable to go back to work.

i am autistic and 80% disabled. is it possible i've been doing quite well up to now and then now im having a regression where i am unable to live alone and work?

i cannot wash myself, wash clothes, wash dishes, cook, clean and tidy the house.
after i go to work i usually can only stay in bed all the time, eat and go to the toilet. nothing more than that.

i dont see how i can go on living like this. of course im thinking about sui all the time.
im sorry for my mom which is trying to help me every way she can, but i feel so broken beyond repair. lost any hope

please, talk with me, tell me what you think. please.

 

[MisterBGone]

Hi @dying_inside - I'm sorry for you! Have you made your doctor or therapist aware of these new revelations? Those two points? Because to me, that would be a pretty big deal to them. And that they would want to know.

Do you know what would help you with either one of those two things, or just living a bit more free from these symptoms you've been experiencing. And of course, with all of the sui thoughts, and such?

For example, would you look to find a helper, or some kind of worker, who could come regularly to your apt. in order to assist you with some of those things?
Would a roommate be an option? I'm only asking, of course. I don't know the answers... But maybe you do!

It sounds to me like the first step might be in seeking help from the professionals who handle your care. So that you can begin to feel better again. If not, then at least less dreadful than this. Because I wouldn't want for you to have to continue to carry on like this any longer.

If you feel it's more a matter of the fear of the uncertainty with the change itself, that being in relation to your previous two points. Would help with that difference, in effect, make a manageble situation for you to handle, or tackle.

So in other words, someone to help you with both of those transitions. Or is it more a matter of, it doesn't matter, because once I get there (to both of those places), I will be in trouble & at great risk of / or for danger?

Anyway, just sending you some healing thoughts... Take care.

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you for answering MisterBGone,

my T and my psych know about these two points. they dont know i tried to face one today yet and it is more than something i whine about because im depressed and dont feel like doing anything. it is real. real. i feel paralyzed. i dont know how much seriously im taken though. i had doubts about it myself, so why should it be a big deal to them?

finding a new job and a new house would help me but it takes months and i dont feel like i have months. the hatred i feel when im at work or in my flat are extremely powerful and make me feel theres no other way than suicide.

i dont have money to get a helper and a roommate is out of question since my flat is very small and made for myself only. i dont see options.

i'll talk about this with my T on tuesday and with psych on thursday. i feel guilty for whining but these 2 points are real to me. it feels like they're gonna kill me. if i have to go to work i'll soon feel suicidal and the same if i go back living at my flat.

no help available. no ways out.

 

[MisterBGone]

No, that's not it at all @dying_inside - I believe you. I truly do. I understand what it's like to live in fear and have your ability to function compromised to the point where you can't do certain things. So I think I get where you are coming from, or what you are saying.

Now, the key is to help your T & psych know all about it next week. And in such a way that you are able to translate for them, just how severe a case this is, and what it is indeed doing to you. How you go about this kind of all depends on you.

For instance, some people might find it easier to write it down, if they have trouble opening up and expresing themselves in what can sometimes be, a rather pressure-packed situation when you're in front of them. Or they're worried they might forget something. I suppose you could take notes, that might help?

Again, it all just depends on what you need and then what would work best. I suppose these days, if it's allowed, you could even pre-record a message for them on your phone and then let them hear it that way, if you think it is important that they hear how you say it, so they can know its impact (& its effect) it's having on you.

Do you think your Mom, or somebody else might be able to assist you in finding new work, or a place to live? So, it in not necessarily the concept of work itself, or living alone in your apt. But rather those two specific & particular instances and situations.

In other words, if you could somehow magically will them to be, that is to say - change them - then maybe you'd be fine and able to better carry on? Or am I not really close on the matter, and it is more delicately nuanced than that?

Would it be easier to think of it as one at a time, instead of both? So if you got a new job, that might necessitate you getting a new home. Or vice versa. That way, it's still a package deal, without having the stress of trying to accompish two things at the same time. I guess it all depends on how your brain works.

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you again MisterBGone for understanding and trying to help me out.

i think i'll write down a paper for my psych and will try to be as clear and complete as i can with T (he doesnt like reading).

i honestly dont think a new job or a new house would help me much, but maybe a little bit...

i dont know what could help me. truth is i have lost the will to be alive. i am so depressed i dont think there are any solutions for me.

yes it would be easier dealing with one issue at the time, but as a matter of fact my life is made of both and i dont think i can bear it for much longer.

i wish i was dead so much.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I don't know how much I can add, but there are many people in this world who can't work or look after themselves due to disabilities, and that's why social programs exist - yes I know they can be incredibly difficult to access. If you can stay with your parents, I would try to stay there while you apply for help. Most countries will allow you to collect disability while living with family. You can also apply for supportive housing. My aunt worked in a group home for people with mental illness.

 

[Lady Wolfshead]

I also just realized that there's a woman in one of my IRL depression support groups who lives in a group home. I have no idea about how easy it is to get into one, but it's good that they still exist.

 

[MisterBGone]

I'd like to be able to see you get some help with your depression, at the very least, so that you can think a bit more clearly and therefore be able to formulate healthier thoughts. I'm sure you've tried an awful lot of things, and that this may seem out of reach. Or that it would take a miracle, or a wish. But these factors affecting your mental health and mood are most definitely impacting your judgement (just as they would anybody else's).

If you are open to exploring a group home, or adult foster care type setting, that might be something worth considering. I know, however, it is a big leap, and would likely take some convincing, on your part or behalf - one of acceptance & so on & so forth. In order to reach a place where that would be something you'd be comfortable doing. A lot times, assistance is provided as part of your disability, and then perhaps in your case (like a lot of others), you are living with others who have like diagnoses. So if you lived in a house with 3 others, that'd be 4 people total (plus staffing & management / or supervision). And these days, they're granting more & more freedoms (as in independence) to those who are capable of handling it.

Is there something, anything, that would take away this feeling of having given up - on both yourself & your life? I'm just wondering out loud, because it doesn't seem to be so hopeless to me. So I'm trying to figure this out. Or to try & help you to do so. I know that it is always easier to solve someone else's problems. When you, yourself don't have to go and do the labor, or put in the work needed / necessary / & required in order to get the ball rolling in the opposite direction (or "back up the hill," so to speak). Also don't carry with you their past traumas and whatnot.

That said, it does help & can be helpful for someone to come and see or view the scenario from a fresh perspective, with a new(er) set of eyes. As so often, and I, myself am as guilty as anybody of this: we can get lost in the mess of our own lives. And therefore, or then, it becomes difficult to accurately assess our own situation - fairly. Honestly, or with keen insight. For we are so subjective and biased against ourselves, and with such strongly held beliefs, that we can get lost. But it is really hard to see it, because it is all we can see. Until someone else comes along and points it out... Offers a different suggestion, idea/or opinion.

 

[MisterBGone]

Resistance is usually the primary reflex, but if you can allow yourself to question it. Your very own thinking and reasons, or reasoning. You might arrive at a different or alternative conclusion that more could be done to reverse course, or stop the trend of the direction it is currently flowing (which happens to be negative, or downward). You just never know, ultimately. Though it is hard to know when you feel so utterly lost and horribly depressed. You can ask me, because I at least know what that feels like.

Maybe not for the same reasons as you, but how you arrive at that end result. Or when you do, does it really matter how you got there? You're there, right. So now what you've got to do, your task, should be to find a way to fight through. Though I know this takes, energy, among other things. And it is so much easier just to quit, and give into the thoughts of destruction. And then go back to bed.

Now I feel I've walked myself into a circle, or gotten lost in a maze. So hopefully there isn't a trap. I'm kidding, of course. Just trying to cheer you up a little bit. Hard to do when you can't smile, let alone laugh. I get it. Anyway, it must be night time, where you live, no? Hopefully you're able to get some decent sleep. That might help more than anything in the immediate moment.

 

[iloverachel]

In the last 2 weeks i've been focused on 2 points:
1. i cant go back to work anymore
2. i cant live at my flat alone anymore
i was ready to kill myself because the sick leave (i've been staying at my parents) ended yesterday and i wanted to avoid the two points expected to happen this coming monday.

yesterday i got to have the sick leave prolonged for another week and i felt so grateful and stupid for being fixated on those 2 points and decided to slowly face at least the second point.
so today i went at my flat with my mom to give me emotional and practical support but while i was there i realized i wouldnt be able to go back living there alone.
i started kicking the wall and crying saying i didnt want to go back there. what seemed a whiny point revealed itself being real.

now i dont know what will happen with work but im afraid it will be the same. it will turn out i am unable to go back to work.

i am autistic and 80% disabled. is it possible i've been doing quite well up to now and then now im having a regression where i am unable to live alone and work?

i cannot wash myself, wash clothes, wash dishes, cook, clean and tidy the house.
after i go to work i usually can only stay in bed all the time, eat and go to the toilet. nothing more than that.

i dont see how i can go on living like this. of course im thinking about sui all the time.
im sorry for my mom which is trying to help me every way she can, but i feel so broken beyond repair. lost any hope

please, talk with me, tell me what you think. please.

I am sorry you are struggling so much my friend
Please do not be too hard on yourself, you are doing a great job. Sometimes serious depression makes tasks insanely difficult because you have no energy, motivation and feel drained.
I can totally relate to your pain of being unable to work and doing tasks that may appear simple to others.
I am here for you friend if you want to talk more
Hope you feel better soon

 

[dying_inside]

I don't know how much I can add, but there are many people in this world who can't work or look after themselves due to disabilities, and that's why social programs exist - yes I know they can be incredibly difficult to access. If you can stay with your parents, I would try to stay there while you apply for help. Most countries will allow you to collect disability while living with family. You can also apply for supportive housing. My aunt worked in a group home for people with mental illness.

Thank you but i dont think group homes are available here where i live. and i cant stay with my parents for longer than a week because my father doesnt want me there with them.

 

[dying_inside]

I'd like to be able to see you get some help with your depression, at the very least, so that you can think a bit more clearly and therefore be able to formulate healthier thoughts. I'm sure you've tried an awful lot of things, and that this may seem out of reach. Or that it would take a miracle, or a wish. But these factors affecting your mental health and mood are most definitely impacting your judgement (just as they would anybody else's).

If you are open to exploring a group home, or adult foster care type setting, that might be something worth considering. I know, however, it is a big leap, and would likely take some convincing, on your part or behalf - one of acceptance & so on & so forth. In order to reach a place where that would be something you'd be comfortable doing. A lot times, assistance is provided as part of your disability, and then perhaps in your case (like a lot of others), you are living with others who have like diagnoses. So if you lived in a house with 3 others, that'd be 4 people total (plus staffing & management / or supervision). And these days, they're granting more & more freedoms (as in independence) to those who are capable of handling it.

Is there something, anything, that would take away this feeling of having given up - on both yourself & your life? I'm just wondering out loud, because it doesn't seem to be so hopeless to me. So I'm trying to figure this out. Or to try & help you to do so. I know that it is always easier to solve someone else's problems. When you, yourself don't have to go and do the labor, or put in the work needed / necessary / & required in order to get the ball rolling in the opposite direction (or "back up the hill," so to speak). Also don't carry with you their past traumas and whatnot.

That said, it does help & can be helpful for someone to come and see or view the scenario from a fresh perspective, with a new(er) set of eyes. As so often, and I, myself am as guilty as anybody of this: we can get lost in the mess of our own lives. And therefore, or then, it becomes difficult to accurately assess our own situation - fairly. Honestly, or with keen insight. For we are so subjective and biased against ourselves, and with such strongly held beliefs, that we can get lost. But it is really hard to see it, because it is all we can see. Until someone else comes along and points it out... Offers a different suggestion, idea/or opinion.

Thank you for giving me an external viewpoint. i dont think group homes exist here where i live and i dont think i would want to live with strangers or share my room with someone else. really, i dont see options.

 

[dying_inside]

I am sorry you are struggling so much my friend
Please do not be too hard on yourself, you are doing a great job. Sometimes serious depression makes tasks insanely difficult because you have no energy, motivation and feel drained.
I can totally relate to your pain of being unable to work and doing tasks that may appear simple to others.
I am here for you friend if you want to talk more
Hope you feel better soon

Thank you my friend . i just had an argument with my mom cause all i talk about it wanting to kill myself and it drives her crazy. i know its not fair and im selfish doing so but i dont have people to talk with about this. I HATE LIFE

 

[MisterBGone]

Thank you for giving me an external viewpoint. i dont think group homes exist here where i live and i dont think i would want to live with strangers or share my room with someone else. really, i dont see options.

I understand. Thank you for trying... Just don't give up, or quit then. That's probably the best advice I can give. I know you don't see a solution that is simple, or a reasonably pain-free way out now. But that doesn't mean that with a little care & treatment from your team next week, that things couldn't change. And hopefully, for the better. And, of course, you can ALWAYS talk to Us! We don't & won't ever grow tired of you, and all you have or care to share. So please, blow-off as much steam as you'd like. . . Unless of course, that hurts and only makes things worse!

 

[iloverachel]

Thank you my friend . i just had an argument with my mom cause all i talk about it wanting to kill myself and it drives her crazy. i know its not fair and im selfish doing so but i dont have people to talk with about this. I HATE LIFE

I totally understand and can relate.. There was also a period of time in the past where i didn't want to discuss my suicidal thoughts and depression with my mother, because i did not want her to get worried or sad about it. ITs tough telling loved ones how you truly feel.

I hate life too. I wish i knew a way to hate life less but i don't. Hope you find a way to feel better soon/ You can always talk to us on here about how you feel

 

[dying_inside]

Thank you @MisterBGone and @iloverachel .

tonight my psych offered me an extra appt tomorrow morning and i was more than happy to accept.

i doubt she can do anything but there are some things i couldnt wait to tell her.

yes, its easier not to talk about how im really feeling with my mom, but she's the only one who would listen (therapy excluded).

im feeling a little better now that i have appt with psych tomorrow... not sure why...

 

[dying_inside]

I saw Psych and im disappointed af.

is it possible that there is no program, no structure, no help available for suicidal people?

they just say "the choice is yours we can do nothing about it"

i wish so much they could help, with meds, therapy, IP, anything... but no, there is nothing anybody can do. just let me die.

 

[MisterBGone]

I'm really sorry that your Psych wasn't more understanding and compassionate, as well as willing to help you by coming up with some answers, or ideas involving something resembling a meaningful change, in the form of a solution. Is there any way you can request, or get a "second-opinion?"

[so if you want (to) you can just skip to the end/or bottom - that last chunk or paragraph, I guess... if you don't want nor wish to sift through my fluff or filler - which is what lies in between & in the middle (of those other two: first & last paragraphs or chunks!)]

I've found, that often times, psych's don't always have the best manners/tact/empathy or sympathy for their patients. Whether this is because they pass judgement on them, and somehow or for some reason or another, look down on them - I could not say?

I mean, I guess I've witnessed this mindset and spirit, or way of treating people/patients like they're disgusting, unworthy individuals who are somehow failures and beneath even the most average of humans - minus mental illness - quite a bit running throughout the fabric of the department of the facilities & settings I've encountered and frequented the most.

It's almost as if it's, if not encouraged, then at the very least, not frowned-upon, to do so (at least with each / or one another & most certainly to your face). You, the patient. In this case, the patient (or "customer") is always Wrong!

Anyway, little side-rail or tangent there from I don't know what? Poor experiences & bad memories both IP & w/regular office visits.

I used to love trying to dive into their heads though. That was fun. Oh, how I wish I was still even close to fit to be doing so now. But or though, I don't really see what or any purpose - useful or good - that it does. Beyond mere entertainment (value). For me! And also just to test out & see what they're made of. Kind of like you might a car you're going to buy.

In conclusion: I sure do hope they can find some (new) way to treat & to help you @dying_inside because this is sounding like a severe frustration. The situation. And sometimes, if you've been a "regular," like I have many times in the past. I get the feeling or sense that, they begin to treat you or think of you as, "the boy (or girl) who cried wolf!" And so yeah - a lot of help that does in terms of good (for you/or me). I get it, I guess.

Look at me, I'm all better aren't I (from their miraculous ways!)? Healed and cured, yes - indeed. . .

 

[dying_inside]

I want back to talk with Psychiatrist. I pushed her to the corner saying i was ready to do it today. What did she do? NOTHING.
I pushed her saying im going to a private clinic meaning theyre better than them and she said im free of choosing my own doctors. I told her theyre doing nothing and She said its not what She sees. I'll have to threaten them. Actions are Better than words.

 

[sightseer]

Hey @dying_inside,

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It seems you're handling with a lot of pressure, I would advise to take a vacation at your mother's place. You don't need to get a job or an apartment right now, you need to heal your wounds. Try to tell her that... When I was depressed I decided to take some time out at my mother's house too, sleeping and crying in my bed - getting up to eat and to go to the bathroom only.

Think about everything you have accomplished in life, you can accomplish all of that again or even better as you did it once before. I know how hard it can get: not having a flat; not having a job; not having a stable life. But it's only for some time, eventually and when you're ready, you'll start again. Think of all that you have achieved till this moment it belongs to you, you are competent. Even tho you lost your job I bet you stayed for some moths there, and you can stay a few more in a future one. Just take some time out to heal.

About your mother. Try not to judge her, it's really hard to deal with this subject, death is the most scary topic in life - everyone fears it. She might even not know what to say about this, so, she says something to discourage you to do so. I know it might be something that sets us even more depressed but she's not aware of how to deal with a person in this situation.

I hope you stay with us @dying_inside, be brave and heal your wounds as in first priority.
Hugs