I dont care

[Corrupt_ToTheCore]

I've been out of work for months now. I'm 23, graduated from high school and only puttered around in small jobs nearby or over the internet. I have a deep disgust for driving cars and have refused to do so. I currently live with my father who urges me to get a job, he's very kind about it though. He doesn't try to guilt me or shame me or anything and he says he can afford to have me live here. But he really wants to see me do better, I can tell. My mom divorced him several years ago and he struggles with depression like me. He tells me he's glad I'm in his life and he doesn't know if he would have made it if I wasn't here. I feel terrible when I think that I want to end my own life, because I realize I would be taking a support from him. Within the past four years I have slowly become detached from the world and the emotions I used to have. It is uniquely fulfilling to realize how many pointless things I used to care about that I simply don't worry about anymore. However, at the same time, I did not choose to put myself in this situation, it was forced on me by increasing suicidal depression. I have absolutely zero motivation to do anything. I try to argue with myself to do basic things, like blinking or even breathing sometimes. But all of my thoughts keep returning to the fact that I just don't care. I don't care if I die, so why would I bother keeping a normal eating or sleeping habit? Why would I go to doctors appointments? Why would I go out to meet people? Why would I care about my appearance? I don't care about any of these things. For a while, I considered the things that would happen after I died, wondering if I should care about them. Things like: is there an afterlife? If so, which one? Will I end up in hell or heaven? If I end up in heaven, would that life be identical to this one? Would I have to live like this for all eternity? If I end up in hell, would that be worse than this? If nothing will change or nothing will get worse, why should I care? It all sort of filters down to one absolute belief. Nothing can get better. So why should I care? I apply this answer to every self argument I have. Why should I care? I cannot find an answer to that question.

 

[ib4uib]

The more you think about stuff the deeper down the rabbit hole you will go.

We're all guaranteed to die, even Mick Jagger though he already looks like his 300 years old already!

My point being you wont be here forever, and you have 2 choices

We are all like bricks in an invisible world, we are built the same way as a brick. put together to build a wall that will survive eternity.

Something can't come from nothing, and you can never turn into nothing. Your consciousness came into you from a nuclear explosion, involving the metal Zinc and a spark

Get busy living dude!

 

[alice202]

CTTC
Its not easy to pull yourself out of a funk where you don't feel like you care about anything. If you don't address it, I am afraid that the spiral will keep dragging you furthur down.

You are missing out on life. The two things that might help are getting some physical exercise - which stimulates endorphins and that might help to push your mood in a better direction. The other thing is medication. Its not hard to get a doctor to put you on anti-depressants. It would lift your mood in a few weeks time, and help you to have more positive thoughts.

Life is a gift, but sometimes we need some outside help to enjoy it.

Alice

 

[Corrupt_ToTheCore]

I understand what you mean, I just dont understand why I should do it. Unfortunately, I just dont see a point in doing that. I don't see a point in exercising or getting medication. Why should I care about either of those? Why shouldn't I just let myself die of dehydration?

 

[JCP]

I will tell you this. I think you are way to young to think like this. Your life is just beginning.

 

[Corrupt_ToTheCore]

There's no reason for me to care whether my life is at the beginning or the end. Objectively, another 50 or 60 years is equally meaningless as dying right now. Zero change would be produced as a result of living out my natural lifespan.

 

[SillyOldBear]

There's no reason for me to care whether my life is at the beginning or the end. Objectively, another 50 or 60 years is equally meaningless as dying right now. Zero change would be produced as a result of living out my natural lifespan.

Problem is you don't know what would happen during those 50 or 60 years. You could meet the love of your life, have kids, raise a family. You could find a job that interests and excites you. You could wind up touching many other lives in a positive manner and never even realize you did it. I hope you will keep living and find out.

 

[alice202]

I understand what you mean, I just dont understand why I should do it. Unfortunately, I just dont see a point in doing that. I don't see a point in exercising or getting medication. Why should I care about either of those? Why shouldn't I just let myself die of dehydration?

As long as you are in a depressed state of mind, you're not going to see the point. If you take a step in the other direction, even though you don't feel motivated, your frame of reference may shift.

If you do nothing, you will keep spiraling downward. Since you are coming here to post, I have to believe you must have a tiny shred of hope somewhere. Isn't it at least worth a try?

Alice

 

[Anchorchain]

I pretty much agree with all the sentiments people here have expressed, CTTC.
You seem to already be on a downward trajectory that if you keep following will remove you from the equation.
Coming to this forum is a good step in a positive direction, I urge you to take another step in the same direction and then another.
As ib4uib said, Get busy living dude!

 

[Corrupt_ToTheCore]

Bear; family, love, a job, interests and excitement... none of those matter.

Alice; I see no reason to leave this state of mind. I'm clearly not going to find internal stimuli to remove me from it. The only thing that could affect my current state of mind is external views and ideas.

Alice and anchor; the reason I posted here is due to fleeting whim. The fact that it was "a step in the right direction" is total coincidence. I have no intention of living for very long. I only wondered if anyone could say anything that has not been said thousands of times before. No results so far.

 

[Anchorchain]

Do forum rules permit it for you to say goodbye first?

 

[nicktheundoer]

I've been out of work for months now. I'm 23, graduated from high school and only puttered around in small jobs nearby or over the internet. I have a deep disgust for driving cars and have refused to do so. I currently live with my father who urges me to get a job, he's very kind about it though. He doesn't try to guilt me or shame me or anything and he says he can afford to have me live here. But he really wants to see me do better, I can tell. My mom divorced him several years ago and he struggles with depression like me. He tells me he's glad I'm in his life and he doesn't know if he would have made it if I wasn't here. I feel terrible when I think that I want to end my own life, because I realize I would be taking a support from him. Within the past four years I have slowly become detached from the world and the emotions I used to have. It is uniquely fulfilling to realize how many pointless things I used to care about that I simply don't worry about anymore. However, at the same time, I did not choose to put myself in this situation, it was forced on me by increasing suicidal depression. I have absolutely zero motivation to do anything. I try to argue with myself to do basic things, like blinking or even breathing sometimes. But all of my thoughts keep returning to the fact that I just don't care. I don't care if I die, so why would I bother keeping a normal eating or sleeping habit? Why would I go to doctors appointments? Why would I go out to meet people? Why would I care about my appearance? I don't care about any of these things. For a while, I considered the things that would happen after I died, wondering if I should care about them. Things like: is there an afterlife? If so, which one? Will I end up in hell or heaven? If I end up in heaven, would that life be identical to this one? Would I have to live like this for all eternity? If I end up in hell, would that be worse than this? If nothing will change or nothing will get worse, why should I care? It all sort of filters down to one absolute belief. Nothing can get better. So why should I care? I apply this answer to every self argument I have. Why should I care? I cannot find an answer to that question.

Hugssss....

 

[alice202]

Hugs to you

 

[Deleted existence]

I've been out of work for months now. I'm 23, graduated from high school and only puttered around in small jobs nearby or over the internet. I have a deep disgust for driving cars and have refused to do so. I currently live with my father who urges me to get a job, he's very kind about it though. He doesn't try to guilt me or shame me or anything and he says he can afford to have me live here. But he really wants to see me do better, I can tell. My mom divorced him several years ago and he struggles with depression like me. He tells me he's glad I'm in his life and he doesn't know if he would have made it if I wasn't here. I feel terrible when I think that I want to end my own life, because I realize I would be taking a support from him. Within the past four years I have slowly become detached from the world and the emotions I used to have. It is uniquely fulfilling to realize how many pointless things I used to care about that I simply don't worry about anymore. However, at the same time, I did not choose to put myself in this situation, it was forced on me by increasing suicidal depression. I have absolutely zero motivation to do anything. I try to argue with myself to do basic things, like blinking or even breathing sometimes. But all of my thoughts keep returning to the fact that I just don't care. I don't care if I die, so why would I bother keeping a normal eating or sleeping habit? Why would I go to doctors appointments? Why would I go out to meet people? Why would I care about my appearance? I don't care about any of these things. For a while, I considered the things that would happen after I died, wondering if I should care about them. Things like: is there an afterlife? If so, which one? Will I end up in hell or heaven? If I end up in heaven, would that life be identical to this one? Would I have to live like this for all eternity? If I end up in hell, would that be worse than this? If nothing will change or nothing will get worse, why should I care? It all sort of filters down to one absolute belief. Nothing can get better. So why should I care? I apply this answer to every self argument I have. Why should I care? I cannot find an answer to that question.

Sorry, this life too hard.hope you better soon

 

[alice202]

CTTC

I don't think anyone here can say something that has not been said before. Ultimately we are all alone in some profound ways, and we each have to find our own reason for living.

I believe that human lives are precious, and that your life is precious.

I wish you peace.

Alice

 

[Corrupt_ToTheCore]

Do forum rules permit it for you to say goodbye first?

No.

 

[CrossedSeas]

I kept thinking about what you posted @Corrupt_ToTheCore. Truthfully, I’ve felt similarly…also been out of a job for some months, can’t easily drive, and living with family who are having their own struggles. I often feel an incredibly deep sense of pointlessness or meaninglessness, and that sense you describe that nothing can get better. So I don’t know if I have any answers, but I do know it’s a really hard place to be, and it makes sense to me why it’s such a struggle to care or have a sense of hope.
Sometimes it’s helped me to focus on what I’ve cared about in the past, even if I can’t feel it now. Often that’s been people, like family. Other times, that just makes me feel worse, because I so often feel like I’m letting them down or because I still just feel nothing.
Sometimes, as backwards as it sounds, it helps to let myself just NOT care. Maybe a bit like you described, sometimes it’s freeing just to be like, “what the heck…I just don’t care and none of it means a thing.” Sometimes that actually makes it easier to try something new or take small steps. I think it takes some sense of pressure off, just to let myself be where I am and know that it’s ok that I’m there, that I didn’t choose to have this struggle.
Sometimes in all honesty none of it helps, and I just struggle.
Regardless, I definitely echo what you said: I know you didn’t choose to be in this position. I’m really sorry that you are, and for what it’s worth, I believe you are worth caring about and worth feeling better

 

[SamB]

I do sometimes have similar thoughts.

However when I think about it I always end up in a paradox:
If life is meaningless and nothing really matters then actually doing the things that everyone else does is the same as doing nothing because all things are meaningless.
If there isn’t doing something then there isn’t doing nothing and then there kind of isn’t any doing at all.
Actively doing nothing is actually doing something because you are deciding to do nothing and that makes nothing something. Even ending it all is doing something so then I’ve broken my own belief that nothing has meaning because I’ve actually attributed meaning to ending it all.
Even thinking about nothing and if everything is meaningless is something.

I’ve never found a true nothing, there is always something. So if my something is doing nothing that’s OK but it’s no different to my something actually being something so I might as well give something ago.

 

[Corrupt_ToTheCore]

I do sometimes have similar thoughts.

However when I think about it I always end up in a paradox:
If life is meaningless and nothing really matters then actually doing the things that everyone else does is the same as doing nothing because all things are meaningless.
If there isn’t doing something then there isn’t doing nothing and then there kind of isn’t any doing at all.
Actively doing nothing is actually doing something because you are deciding to do nothing and that makes nothing something. Even ending it all is doing something so then I’ve broken my own belief that nothing has meaning because I’ve actually attributed meaning to ending it all.
Even thinking about nothing and if everything is meaningless is something.

I’ve never found a true nothing, there is always something. So if my something is doing nothing that’s OK but it’s no different to my something actually being something so I might as well give something ago.

I believe there is meaning. I believe there is a point, a meaning to everything. I just don't CARE that there is meaning. I do things that have purpose, I have just stopped caring about whether it means anything or not