I sat and wrote out 6 perfectly worded paragraphs, noticed most people don't write that much and so deleted it all. It is difficult for me to summarise my suffering, isolation, lifelong bullying without going into huge detail. I've had it all my life though, treat like garbage, the subject of ridicule. Never ending cycle of bullying and Isolation and so left with no forms of expression on any level my whole life. Do you know what that's like? mental torture is an understatement. I never done anything to anyone ever, never bullied, don't judge people on shallow means yet I endured a constant stream of it. All my childhood, teens and almost all my 20s now. It leaves you with an inevitable life of isolating. Nowhere to turn, and already very hurt, intense mental pain. What I wrote before was so much more but what is the point no one can advise me of anything this is just a form of expression since I have none in my life. I have tried therapists but it just increases the anger, when they tell me things like 'you seem smart though!' implying that I am obviously not suffering enough because I am not completely fucking braindead. They are all the same for my area, completely incompetent and basically just wanting me to fuck off because I know more about psychology than them and refuse their shitty pharma meds. I have nowhere to turn.... there are no options for me otherwise I would have some form of life by now. Inevitable intense suffering is what I have to deal with. Can I even explain myself without people just thinking I'm being pathetic?.. I am beyond tired of things now it's way too much. It's like I have no option but to end it all while people laugh in my face. I am not allowed any normalcy in my life.
I don't get any chances
- Thread starter astrocat
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Hey there @astrocat welcome to sf. If you want to write more maybe the diary section is a good place. People still read and reply (if wanted) and you can vent away to your hearts content. Don’t compare your posts to the next persons, we’re all different and post in different ways.
I’m sorry you find yourself in a situation that you need a place like this but it’s good to have you here. Keep posting ok?
I’m sorry you find yourself in a situation that you need a place like this but it’s good to have you here. Keep posting ok?
Thanks for the reply, although I realise how kind of pointless this forum is now. I didn't expect anything anyway, it is what it is. Write a diary so I can be judged by whoever stumbles upon it and targeted even more, think I will just post in the other sections. Love how their is no option to delete your own posts if ever you want either, what a great thoughtful idea.
No one here will judge you, and if you didn’t want replies to a diary thread Justbout that in the title you won’t get any. This place is not about getting judged or judging anyone, it’s about offering support to one another going through similar situations.
I hope you give this place a chance, you’ll see how helpful it can be.
I hope you give this place a chance, you’ll see how helpful it can be.
There's a member's private diary section where your entries can't be read by other members. Although posts on the open sections can't be deleted, I think admin may move them to your private diary on request. I hope you keep posting here though - you won't be judged or targeted for venting. SF is for expressing and sharing your feelings with others who can understand and emphasize, though we all have to stay within the rules for the good of the community as a whole.
There is no available options for my life. I literally have no choice but to waste it all as I have already. Denied friends, girlfriend, and everything else you can think of. I have had many positive looks attention from random girls many times but I can't meet anyone due to my conditions so I remain a single loner virgin agoraphobic loser. . I still look like a teenager too so I get no choices in relationships anyway. Completely starved of the most basic human needs. I wish I killed myself at 18 I'm a waste of space.
You've been unlucky enough to meet too many of the wrong kind of people, but there are lots of people who are not horrible like that who would value your friendship. If the agoraphobia stops you going out, you can still make online friends here and elsewhere. Maybe you will feel more confident going out if you spend time getting to know people online first who you feel comfortable talking to. What things are you interested in, or could become interested in, which would give you something in common with others to talk about?
Thankyou for replying. Just your response makes a difference to me when I have no one. I don't have much to add right now because all efforts are futile to change my life. My agoraphobic tendencies seem to come in waves, but even when they are lessened I have nowhere to go and no one to go with. I do have a couple online friends in telegram messenger but they are not online everyday and it is no replacement for a real social life. No therapist I ever saw is even willling to comprehend how much mental torture it is to put up with this nor did they have any good advice because they know there is none.
Wow, you are an awesome strong person! Even awesome people have to deal with the scars and baggage of what was done to them, as do you. Distance yourself from those who continually push or bully you and won't change. You can love from a distance. Therapy only goes so far, and I agree w the comment about the meds. I'd rather do something natural if possible. I take magnesium and ginseng. They calm the mind body and spirit and get rid of those sticky negative thoughts so you can move on. Also, what about volunteering? You learn so much more by teaching others to overcome, so it benefits you too, and gives you a purpose that makes you feel like you are conquering the enemy of depression or spirit of hopelessness. Do not avoid your thoughts when they come knocking, but work thru them in your imagination to the desired end you want, and envision the right end for you, it will make the bad thoughts not have the same power over you. <3 You got this!
Thankyou for the response also, there are a lot of shallow, judgmental and/or evil people out there just looking and ready to pick a fight with any easy looking target sadly. Therapists and whatever available seeming help someone in my situation has is terrible for my area. I have heard countless stories of the lack of support and it is not funded adequately. Some years ago when I got angry about the medication being practically forced on me, I was sectioned against my will under mental health act. They help only if you fit into their tick boxes and narrow minded perceptions. It's a joke and damn sad really. No wonder my area has the highest suicide rates in the country. I also agree on natural remedies and I have taken things that have helped a lot such as ashwagandha, medicinal mushrooms, quite a few things really and trying to eat a more natural diet (expensive though). I need to get back to some of it as I'm not taking anything right now. As for volunteering I tried once and I lasted a day. Again the opportunities available are very limited. I end up thinking why would they want me when they could have someone not depressed and more willing to be there? it's just another struggle but maybe something I can look into again.
It's not a permanent substitute, but can be a good temporary one, filling the void due to lack of meaningful connections with others " in real life". Here on SF is the place to be at because the quality of the friendships you can make here is often better than "real life" because you will be accepted and valued just as you are as a unique member of the community. You can be who you are here, without fear of criticism or rejection. Welcome 
Hi there, I am replying because I care, I used to be agoraphobic, a total recluse for 5 years and eventually with the help of family, therapy and this forum I got better but I still remain somewhat of an outcast, I can't relate to people properly, never know whats right or wrong to say so I say silent IRL. Online its so much easier to communicate as there is less anxiety of course but I do think if you give it your all you can get somewhat better. I'm sorry if this reply is totally useless to you but i'm just saying stick around, this is a great forum and the best part is people do not judge you. You sound like a good person who wouldn't judge others, I admire that and I am sorry you are hurting so much 
wishing you a better day today.
wishing you a better day today.
Hi there, I am replying because I care, I used to be agoraphobic, a total recluse for 5 years and eventually with the help of family, therapy and this forum I got better but I still remain somewhat of an outcast, I can't relate to people properly, never know whats right or wrong to say so I say silent IRL. Online its so much easier to communicate as there is less anxiety of course but I do think if you give it your all you can get somewhat better. I'm sorry if this reply is totally useless to you but i'm just saying stick around, this is a great forum and the best part is people do not judge you. You sound like a good person who wouldn't judge others, I admire that and I am sorry you are hurting so much wishing you a better day today.
wishing you a better day today.
There is nothing here for me, counseling or any perceived 'help' there may be is pointless even more so in this pathetic area I live. I want actual real physical opportunities but there are none. I just accept after 10+ years of isolation I will just continue to rot until I die of whatever causes. All of my teens and now almost all my 20's without even any social contact. I am completely mentally destroyed. I will never work either because of this. It just leaves you deeply angry and hurt.
The particular therapists you saw might not have been able to advise and guide you, but that doesn't mean your current situation is permanent with no hope of a change in conditions for the better, or that you have zero chance of finding love and happiness in the future. The conditions, inner and outer, you find yourself in at present, and the conditions of your upbringing, are not fixed but can be changed if you do the right things to change them. It's not easy to visualize a better, happier, future, to know what we really want out of life, and the way to it, but it's necessary to really reflect on our deepest values, what really matters to us, what we really want to be, and what we want from life. When you get to know yourself this way, you then have to visualize living a happier life, and then believe in your ability to bring it about. It might take a lot of effort and hard work, depending on your goals, but with the right kind of effort and perseverance, you can gradually create better conditions in which you feel happier and more fulfilled, instead of unhappy and empty as you do now. If you knew you couldn't fail, what would you do/be in future? What would your life be like?
Personality disorders are long standing patterns of thinking and behavior, but that doesn't mean they're unalterable. We're not completely at the mercy of external or internal conditions, we do have the power to change the way we think and act, even though it can take a lot of effort.
Those certain people are worth looking for, and there's probably more of them than you realize. Unfortunately, your mistreatment in the past has colored your perception of what "most people" are like, and you have cut yourself off from meaningful connections with others out of fear of more abuse. I think if you tried to meet more people, you might find more of them are friendlier than you expected. Friendships are usually based on some common interest or interests, so look for places where you can meet people who share your interests, or develop new ones.
There must be clubs or groups you could join surely, or even places/ courses where you can improve your skills, or develop new ones? You could try something you've never tried before.
Personality disorders are long standing patterns of thinking and behavior, but that doesn't mean they're unalterable. We're not completely at the mercy of external or internal conditions, we do have the power to change the way we think and act, even though it can take a lot of effort.
Those certain people are worth looking for, and there's probably more of them than you realize. Unfortunately, your mistreatment in the past has colored your perception of what "most people" are like, and you have cut yourself off from meaningful connections with others out of fear of more abuse. I think if you tried to meet more people, you might find more of them are friendlier than you expected. Friendships are usually based on some common interest or interests, so look for places where you can meet people who share your interests, or develop new ones.
There must be clubs or groups you could join surely, or even places/ courses where you can improve your skills, or develop new ones? You could try something you've never tried before.
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