Im here, but nothing stays or means anything from my own point of view. When someone else talks to me or I turn on a song, I can slightly put substance to whats going on, but when it relates to me, Im grasping.
Im in a relationship but it's gone more or less. All I feel now are deep feelings. My thoughts feel so hazzy and negative, its like theyve been whittled down to dust.
The worst is the only way I can keep going is to change my perspective all the time. This confuses people, and makes me run around in circles. But I need to keep moving in som fashion, it's just today im .. idk. It's weird, like parts of me can't keep up. My thoughts arent including everying, im not taking into account alot of things. My feelings are at best instinctual almost. I feel almost dead but wired at the sametime.
I literally have to stop thinking, because I have a pretty depressive past and present, and future in my heart, but Im not that. So I have to and always have fought it off and do my best to never accept it. But it's so tiring to feel and think the same fears and issues first. Even thinking about spending an hour plus with a friend makes me panic because I dont have that much positive energy in me. I feel like im sourcing who I am from negativity and that just that's killing me.
Im sorry I literally this is the only way I can figure stuff out by posting, I susually figure it out in the moment or atleast something to bounce me forward. Im going to go eat and do something thatll make me smile.
Maybe that's it. Maybe im just fighting a cloud of depression that's very large, but simple things can make me feel better. Wish I felt better when I was with people though. Oh i wont be picky, not now atleast.
But yeah. I really need some clarity i think. Just an idea to summerise this. It used to be a failure to accept it in any regard, but I worry because its making me into someone thats going to be alone forever, and I cant really take that. I dont want to be on my own but IM really making myself so self protected that it's killing everything. Im killing everything ... no...no im not. fuck its hard to see the other side to this crap. I have to remember when I had prospcects in the past, and force myself to apply them to now. I gotta stop and go eat. Thanks for reading if you do. And if u reply Ill .. try to get back into this wavelength. I just am not the same because I dont feel any anchors in life anymore. Ill try, maybe ill just, re-read my post or whatever...
Im in a relationship but it's gone more or less. All I feel now are deep feelings. My thoughts feel so hazzy and negative, its like theyve been whittled down to dust.
The worst is the only way I can keep going is to change my perspective all the time. This confuses people, and makes me run around in circles. But I need to keep moving in som fashion, it's just today im .. idk. It's weird, like parts of me can't keep up. My thoughts arent including everying, im not taking into account alot of things. My feelings are at best instinctual almost. I feel almost dead but wired at the sametime.
I literally have to stop thinking, because I have a pretty depressive past and present, and future in my heart, but Im not that. So I have to and always have fought it off and do my best to never accept it. But it's so tiring to feel and think the same fears and issues first. Even thinking about spending an hour plus with a friend makes me panic because I dont have that much positive energy in me. I feel like im sourcing who I am from negativity and that just that's killing me.
Im sorry I literally this is the only way I can figure stuff out by posting, I susually figure it out in the moment or atleast something to bounce me forward. Im going to go eat and do something thatll make me smile.
Maybe that's it. Maybe im just fighting a cloud of depression that's very large, but simple things can make me feel better. Wish I felt better when I was with people though. Oh i wont be picky, not now atleast.
But yeah. I really need some clarity i think. Just an idea to summerise this. It used to be a failure to accept it in any regard, but I worry because its making me into someone thats going to be alone forever, and I cant really take that. I dont want to be on my own but IM really making myself so self protected that it's killing everything. Im killing everything ... no...no im not. fuck its hard to see the other side to this crap. I have to remember when I had prospcects in the past, and force myself to apply them to now. I gotta stop and go eat. Thanks for reading if you do. And if u reply Ill .. try to get back into this wavelength. I just am not the same because I dont feel any anchors in life anymore. Ill try, maybe ill just, re-read my post or whatever...
idk I get into arguments and it's horrible. I cant even begin to explain how it feels. I just watched an argument in a movie and I felt crazy inside. it's hard to explain, but i think that's part of what's making me feel like this. It shakes me to the core. Its like i cant let anyone in there for some reason. Idk..