I don't know where I am in life

[blu3]

I keep saying if and when x happens i will go, then the thing happens and i stay. Im not living. I can't think about tomorrow. Things keep getting worse and way way worse but im still here. *I* am getting worse as a person, less kind, less caring , more angry and forgetful. I used to be *too* kind. Now I've adopted the term "victim mindset" because if I did't look at my memories and past traumas all the time, I'm truly awful and don't deserve to live any more second. The only way i can minimise hurting others is by isolating myself, which doesn't make me a better person but worse, and it makes me fall deeper into this black hole. I forgot how to be a good-normal person, i don't feel human anymore. The only thing i can do to rest is sh but in a way that hurts my brain instead of my skin, it makes me not able to think but its very addictive. I don't do anything productive, or anything really. I cry all the time and i don't get out of bed or even talk to people online, when im supposed to be in the years im developing the most..one day i will wake up and i will be way behind everyone and i won't be able to do anything about it then
I don't know if i will ever get myself back. I feel so distant but still im in so so much pain all the time. Im so scared of the state im in. I don't do anything but ruin my life every day, i keep saying that its okay because i will die tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow ..and that tomorrow keeps moving further away.. Im so scared of the day i won't be able to say that, the day i wake up and realize how much i messed up, how lonely i became, the monster i became .. everything feels hopeless, meaningless, and life feels so far a way. I feel trapped between life and death, i can't reach any of them but i still have all the pain and emptiness
I want to run away, i want to get better, im so so tired of this i can't even explain how bad it is
Im sure i had some good moments in my life but i can't remember how it felt, i can't remember how hope felt like, i feel doomed from the start and forever, My birth was a curse on my family and im so sorry but i can't do anything about it
I feel so helpless
I want to get better so badly it hurt i don't want to die

 

[may71]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad Blu3

The only way i can minimise hurting others is by isolating myself

Why do you feel like you have to isolate yourself to not hurt others?

 

[blu3]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad Blu3

Why do you feel like you have to isolate yourself to not hurt others?

I've become an exhausting and difficult person to be around, even that I used to be the complete opposite. I withdraw from people a lot now, I don't reply and i leave messages unanswered for weeks or even months. I often cancel plans at the last minute. I can't show interest or empathy the way I used to, so I come across as cold or indifferent even though that's not how I actually feel.
I've become easily irritated, and I get upset over every small thing because I'm emotionally exhausted. Most of what I talk about is around complaining and hopelessness, my presence drains the people around me. I find myself seeking attention and forgiveness by venting and constantly showing how unwell I am, even though I hate that I do it and i know it's toxic. I can't keep my promises or responsibilities anymore, and most of the things I say I'll do never get done. I try to be positive but it's just impossible in a head space like this :/
Also, i don't want to hurt them when i die, so i try to say away until they forget me first
That's online..i didn’t have that much friends anyway but now i lost most of them because the way i am..and i cant even talk with the ones who i still have
, IRL i stay at home all the time and my relationship with my family is so bad everyone hates me already

 

[blu3]

I feel like a waste of everything..food, water,air,time, and everyone's efforts
I barely do anything

 

[Fbr27]

I don't know your circumstances but I can't give more importance to the idea that, if you are depressed, one thing that you have to do is give your mind some rest.

 

[KM76710]

I feel like a waste of everything..food, water,air,time, and everyone's efforts
I barely do anything

Sad to hear you feeling that, but it is one I share. I have felt my entire life would have been better if my time and gone to and was being used by someone else who might have, probably would have done more and better with it.

 

[may71]

my presence drains the people around me

I think that's a common experience that depressed people have. Most people seem to choose friends based on how that person gives something to them...entertains them or produces some benefit for them. Depressed people are generally not going to be energetic, entertaining, or give off "happy vibes", at least if they are showing their true selves. So it's easy to get labeled a "wet blanket" and have trouble maintaining friendships if you're depressed.

Also, i don't want to hurt them when i die, so i try to say away until they forget me first

The worst thing you can do to someone who loves you is to not let them love you. I think it might be better to level with your friends rather than to isolate yourself from them. Maybe you could explain what's going on and why you have stayed away, and then they can decide for themselves if they want to have contact with you or not.

I want to get better so badly it hurt i don't want to die

Particularly if your parents won't let you have access to professional treatment, there are some self-treatment methods that you could try. I could say more about that if you're interested.

I hope there's a way for things to get better.

 

[blu3]

I think that's a common experience that depressed people have. Most people seem to choose friends based on how that person gives something to them...entertains them or produces some benefit for them. Depressed people are generally not going to be energetic, entertaining, or give off "happy vibes", at least if they are showing their true selves. So it's easy to get labeled a "wet blanket" and have trouble maintaining friendships if you're depressed.

Its hard enough to exist, i wish i could pretend like others but im too tired already, i don't want to hurt or ruin the atmosphere

I have a younger sister and im always so anxious around her because i want her to be happy and healthy and i don't want her to copy me and its not fun to see your sister cry or panic every hour so i try to stay away from her but that doesn't help too

The worst thing you can do to someone who loves you is to not let them love you. I think it might be better to level with your friends rather than to isolate yourself from them. Maybe you could explain what's going on and why you have stayed away, and then they can decide for themselves if they want to have contact with you or not.[/QUOTE]
The two friends i have left know and im so grateful but im sure they are getting sick of it. People usually take a week or two not more than a year. I don't even know if im going to get better or not i cant help but feel so guilty and sorry whenever they show love. I feel like im very toxic and i love them so much i don't want to hurt them

Particularly if your parents won't let you have access to professional treatment, there are some self-treatment methods that you could try. I could say more about that if you're interested.[/QUOTE]
Thank you, i would love to know them

I hope there's a way for things to get better.
[/QUOTE]
I really hope so too, thank you for always being so helpful ❤️‍🩹

 

[may71]

its not fun to see your sister cry or panic every hour so i try to stay away from her but that doesn't help too

I think staying away from her is probably making things worse rather than better. Having a brother that cares about her in her life is valuable to her, even just the way you are.

I feel like im very toxic and i love them so much i don't want to hurt them

I think it would be ok to talk to them about this.

Thank you, i would love to know them

You're welcome!

This link (to a page on SF) has some info:

Self-Treatment and Miscellaneous

The root cause seems to be violence and abuse from your family, but the self-treatment methods can still be helpful even if you can't get directly at the root cause of your depression.

thank you for always being so helpful ❤️‍🩹

You're welcome! I hope things can get better soon.

 

[blu3]

Reviving this thread because im struggling real hard
Thangs hasn't been good for the last few months
Has it ever been?

Im becoming more actively suicidal again

I cant think of a single why not

Im suffering so much everyday for nothing

I haven't been able to function at all
I barely leave my bed and my health is declining
Im becoming more selfish. Im becoming a worse person ..not like i was ever good...
Im in a desperate need for support.. support that i don't even deserve

Im struggling. I need help

 

[I_waste_everything]

I'm only just now finding this. I've only read your OP here, but I relate to so much of this, at least by first read.

I'm sorry for these ills you're facing and beset by. Each and all of these, and the whole. I don't know exactly what to say to help- at least at first meeting. But, you're doing yourself right by putting your thoughts together and telling hiem as well as you are, here, including things that can be hard to open up about. As someone who's been torn up by keeping things to myself for decades, I ask you inlet my commendation.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry that things are so bad.

I barely leave my bed and my health is declining

A lot of people experience seasonal effects, myself included. I often start feeling worse around this time of year.

Im becoming more selfish. Im becoming a worse person

When you're struggling, it's appropriate to prioritize yourself. Being unselfish is a good thing to be only when you can do it without bringing yourself down.

Im in a desperate need for support.. support that i don't even deserve

You're far more deserving of support than you realize.

Im struggling. I need help

I'd like to help if I can. Do you know what sort of things would help?

 

[Lara_C]

Im in a desperate need for support.. support that i don't even deserve

Im struggling. I need help

You do deserve support @blu3 and the people on here want to help you any way they are able. You don't deserve to suffer this much and it matters that you are feeling so much pain. What do you need most right now?

 

[blu3]

Thank you so much for your caring words, i appreciate it all so much
Thinking about the kind of help i need made me realize that i have no idea..my problem is my self my own mind at least i know that i need help because i tried and tried and tried but i can't help myself by my own..but i have no idea how..can anything help at all? i don't even know if there's hope for me anymore..it's so depressing how everything can change but my mind won't..im in constant agony no matter what happens
How could you help someone who is hurting all the time for seemingly no reason ..i just wnt to function again, i want to feel like a human again..im sick of this dead life
Sometimes i feel like the prison is what i need to stop being so spoiled..Sometimes I think about committing a minor crime so I can go to prison and be fixed... but then if i were to find myself in a harsh environment i probably wouldn't survive .... it feels like there's no way out i can't help myself and no one can help me im stuck in this head in this body im trapped and ut seems that im going to be trapped forever

 

[blu3]

A lot of people experience seasonal effects, myself included. I often start feeling worse around this time of year.

I don't think it's seasonal unfortunately it has been like this for years
It's really hard

 

[Lara_C]

.my problem is my self my own mind at least i know that i need help because i tried and tried and tried but i can't help myself by my own..but i have no idea how..can anything help at all?

it's so depressing how everything can change but my mind won't..im in constant agony

It seems the problem is your mind constantly replaying disturbing narratives which rob you of peace and joy , which I think we all need to feel fully 'alive':.. The reason your own attempts to help yourself havent worked is probably because you have been trying to think your way out of overthinking. Id say what you need right now is to relax and let go to get out of the thought loop . Thinking the wrong kinds of thoughts generates tension and tightness in the body and it can help alot to switch your attention away from the narrative in your head to your feelings felt as uncomfortable sensations in the body. Just let yourself fully feel the sensation of discomfort, focusing on it, and consciously and gently relax the grip.

There are other techniques you can look into which address unwanted thoughts, like cognitive behaviour therapy ( CBT)

 

[I_waste_everything]

Would that really be the best talk to, to someone who wants to off themselves and call them selfish? isn't that kind of rude?

Very rude. And you're exactly right: People do that to try not to think about it. A lazy way to shut the case in their mind, at expense of who is hurting.

I recommend telling this in its own thread. blu3's the OP for this one, and so has the floor here, as s/he should; but what you've shared here would belong as its own thread in Suicidal Thoughts & Feelings, Let it All Out, or My Story sections.