my goal in trying to write this is to try to figure out a way from this crashing that i'm doing from getting any worse. yesterday i was in my therapy appt. and it was going really well. i was in a super good mood after all i had just received a large sum of money. this was good to the extent that i could catch everything back up. pay off things that i haven't been able to take care of so on and so forth. right in the middle of my therapy appt. sadness came over me and suicidal feelings began to develope again. just out of no where. my therapist and i tried to figure out why this had happened but we couldn't come to any conclusions. all the excitement i felt about being able to pay everything off left. doesn't matter to me anymore. i'm sinking and fast. i'm trying to refocus on things i need to take care of and set these feelings aside sometimes i seem to manage this and more of the time i can't. i just don't know what to do. i do have to call my therapist today and tell her how i'm doing. this is all just so frustrating. i don't want to go down this road again. i don't understand and i just don't know what to do. honestly i am beginning to feel a bit panicky too.