i don't understand

[Insignificant]

my goal in trying to write this is to try to figure out a way from this crashing that i'm doing from getting any worse.

yesterday i was in my therapy appt. and it was going really well. i was in a super good mood after all i had just received a large sum of money. this was good to the extent that i could catch everything back up. pay off things that i haven't been able to take care of so on and so forth.

right in the middle of my therapy appt. sadness came over me and suicidal feelings began to develope again. just out of no where. my therapist and i tried to figure out why this had happened but we couldn't come to any conclusions. all the excitement i felt about being able to pay everything off left. doesn't matter to me anymore. i'm sinking and fast.

i'm trying to refocus on things i need to take care of and set these feelings aside sometimes i seem to manage this and more of the time i can't. i just don't know what to do. i do have to call my therapist today and tell her how i'm doing. this is all just so frustrating. i don't want to go down this road again. i don't understand and i just don't know what to do. honestly i am beginning to feel a bit panicky too.

 

[gentlelady]

I have noticed something similar that happens Liz. I can be fine and suddenly it hits for no apparant reason. I am sorry I can't help you make any sense of it. Depression is not a very good friend to have. Too bad so many of us are so closely attached to him. :hug:

 

[Insignificant]

thanks...this is all really frustrating and i don't want to end back up in the hospital even for an overnite again. i'm trying to shake it and stay busy but that only seems to do so much. my therapist is just encouraging me to keep doing the same things i'm already doing and reminds me this won't last.

this is all so discouraging. i've really been doing alright for a while now. this sucks.

 

[gentlelady]

I agree hun. Do what you can to keep yourself from ruminating about things. When we are left alone to wander in our own minds, it can be a dangerous place. Hopefully it will pass soon and you can get back to feeling better. :hug:

 

[aalborg]

I swear it has to do with brain chemistry. The same thing happens to me. Recently I was in a real upbeat mood and got busy painting and cleaning the house. I had neglected everything for so long. Things went wonderfully for about 3 days. I was busy and felt a good, healthy tired. I got up each morning and set to work feeling positive and hopeful. On the third day I sat down to have a cup of tea and check my emails while I took a rest from the painting etc. While at my computer I felt my head empty of all the positive stuff and the waves of hopelessness and despair washed over me. It stunned me. I actually felt my brain empty. I know this sounds nutty, but it was as if the tap that supplies the positive chemicals in my brain was suddenly turned off. It was a physical feeling. So I am wondering if research is done on those of us who suffer major depression/panic disorder in regards to the positive chemicals in the brain being "on" at certain times and gone within seconds. I've long accepted that I will have good times interspersed with the bad times and also accept the bad is more frequent. But, I have never felt it happen physically. I don't know. I wish research was more advanced and the brain not quite the mystery it is.