I feel like an ugly man

[SonjaRot]

Hi.
Its funny, because I'm a girl....
Please, hear me out, I just need to tell someone about this. I have never whined about my looks or talked about it openly (ever), I have never told anybody how I feel about myself because I don't believe in appearances. Meanwhile, these things have been on my mind and I don't know how to fix them. I have tried to talk about this with my friend but she always replied with
"If YOU are ugly then what does that make me?"
So I just shut up and never brought it up again...

My problem Is not what others think of me... It's what I think of me. I don't feel right. I want to hit myself, to hide myself to break every mirror... I don't know what it is. I just feel disgusted by myself. Like I want to crawl out of my skin... the same old story - I feel like a man in a woman's body... an ugly man.
I get really insecure when around other girls, not because they look better than me, its because I feel like a freak... like there is something wrong with me...
Femininity makes me sick and disgusted so when I see myself I feel awful... I can't stand the idea of me being with a man... (I'm not attracted to girls either) Everything just feel so wrong.

Im not sure, maybe growing up without a mother and being raped several times is what caused this but I have gotten over those things, I don't care... and what now?

I just want to accept myself... what is wrong with me?
If any of girls or women here feel the same or has any advice or ideas about what is wrong with me, please share. I would be happy to read from you.
This has been happening since... forever. I know this is not normal so... maybe I just need to talk about it with someone.

 

[SonjaRot]

Never mind, I fixed it.

 

[Cagla]

Hey...i have to think firstly and then I will answer because it's a long and deep post. Just for now know that even if I don't disgust femininity,I feel really really insecure about my appearance. Its not the same I guess but the hatred is similar. Accepting is our goal..am with you.

 

[Cagla]

hi again me. it will be my long answer
first of all, actually we dont need to like every part of our body i believe. the important thing is dealing with the negative thought and try to fight it.
now we here have something : you dont like your appearance, ok but why? as much as i see, you dont like feminine appearance. then do you know what exactly you want to look like. i am sure even if you dont know it very well, you somehow have a clue. ok then try to change some things to please yourself. in my case i didnt like long hair and since 4 years i have very short hair.
secondly appearance doesnt have to do with the sexual tendency. you dont have to say you dont feel attracted to girl either. its your own business. no one can judge anyone. and you dont have to feel attracted. i guess your problem is not knowing yourself very much. what do you want exactly? appearance isnt something given equally to everyone but ive learnt that what we see and what people see are different. i disgust myself most of time. but others dont think i am disgusted. so my thought is very subjective and it is rooted in me low self esteem. the result is that: i dont care myself, i dont even go to any hair dresser and i dont have any changes. but if you accept what you got and improve self esteem, then you will care for and maybe change.
lastly i see you still worry about peoples thoughts. fuck them. you just need to learn who you are and go get this position. i hope these words have an impact...
we cannot change the self esteem maybe, we cannot change the feeling but if the relation to this sickening feeling is changed, some things can change too..
take care

 

[Petal]

Hi there, hae you ever heard of BDD (body dysmorphic disorder?

Just pulled this from wikipedia for you https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder

I am not a doctor but what you described sounds very like BDD, maybe it is something to look into.

Sorry you are feeling so dreary and overwhelmed, SF cares about you, don't ever doubt that for a second

 

[SonjaRot]

Thank you so much for being around and your advice! <3
... I guess all is just fear of what others think and mental distortions.

anyhow, i found a miracle cure. I just had forgoten who I am. Long story short, I feel much better and I dont think I hate my ..lack of gender? anymore.
Thank you ^^

 

[SonjaRot]

then do you know what exactly you want to look like. i am sure even if you dont know it very well, you somehow have a clue.

You know... I don't know what would I prefer... I dont think i want to change anything about my look, or I wouldnt want to be anyone else... NOT because i love myself so much, no its just that - this is me. I cant explain... I have to think about this more.

Thank you! You gave my mind a kick, appreciated!

 

[Cagla]

You know... I don't know what would I prefer... I dont think i want to change anything about my look, or I wouldnt want to be anyone else... NOT because i love myself so much, no its just that - this is me. I cant explain... I have to think about this more.

Thank you! You gave my mind a kick, appreciated!

nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, i am no better to give your mind a kick really. its just my poor imagination to grasp the problem and help. well if you dont want to change anything, it seems you are no as bad as you think about fixing the problem and you know there arent just two gender. it is a complicated issue but society and governments tries to create some roles for us but we can actually have the power to reject the role and stick our tongues

 

[Sevven]

Question - do you think you're "over" your trauma or you have "accepted" it?