Ive been suicidal since I was ten years old. I feel like i'm destined to die by my own hands. I've attempted it at 15 and thought about it many many times since. Im now 28. When things go right in my life, I keep thinking...oh wow Im just waiting for the ball to drop. When things go bad, Suicide is the first thought that comes to my mind. I wish my mind didnt work this way but it does. I have a daughter and people say..oh you're being selfish...what about her? Its like Damn! what about her? What about me? I'm in pain and no one seems to give a hell about that.
I feel like its destined....
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Maybe when the good times are here, don't wait for the ball to drop. There is always good and bad times in our lives. If we just wait for the bad ones to come, of course they do and it seems they are vindicated. You don't mention whether you have sought professional help for your thoughts and feelings or if something has happened to precipitate these feelings. Holding on for your daughter is a very strong motivation, but I hope someday you will wish to hang on for yourself.
I haven't sought any professional advice. I have in the past but they just medicated me and I was like 16 or 17. Only because I was raped in school and I had to. I remember the medication just numbed me from everything. I just felt numb. I don't want to feel that way either. The urges get so STRONG! I almost drove my car full speed into the back of a semi truck the other night on the expressway. Like I said I don't know how much longer I will be here but I don't have anywhere else to turn. I don't want to tell anyone because they will think Im stupid or try to talk me out of it.
I know you don't want to here it, but if you do commit you will scar her for the rest of her life. I know this because my daughter told me. She said if I try again she will never forgive me!! Now I have a daughter and a grandaughter. I use them as a deterent to keep me from trying again. Here lately it hasn't helped much because I have been trying to get them to move down here. My daughter keeps making excuses. If they come they will have a roof over there heads, food in there bellies and alot of love and support. I had a car for her but she kept saying she wasn't coming down so I gave the car to a woman that my sister works with. Her boyfriend left her and she didn't have any way to get around. I got the car fo free so I didn't loose anything and the SUV I am driving now I also got for free. Think it thru don't make any rash decisions. You have alot to live for!! You have been dealing with the negative thoughts and you have dicounted the poitives. You need to turn that around. A good therapist will work with you about discounting the positives, and work on cognitive distortions. Good luck...:chopper:
But its sooo bad right now I think I need to see someone today! The problem is, I'm on my way to work...a job which I'm standing on my last leg with but I drive for a mass transit system. I can't take off work but I'm not a person that should be responsible for lives today! Its just THAT BAD! Not that I want to take anyone with me. I'd wait until my bus or something was empty. I'm stuck...I guess if I'm saying this then a small part of me doesn't want to go....but what if the urge overcomes my small will to stay here?
part of what is going on with the thinking about suicide is we have trained ourselves to be this way. i told my therapist last week the very same thing that suicidal thoughts were going through my head daily even if things we're so bad. my therapist suggested this as a topic to work on. so it sounds to me like this just might be what it takes, but then again you have to want it. i can't force anything down your throat. you chose
anyways please take care and more importantly please stay safe
anyways please take care and more importantly please stay safe
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