I fucked up and lived

[Gorgias]

@spud, we're about the same age, and I've wanted to reply to someone on this forum for the longest time, but as most of the posters seem to be bratty little girls, I can't much empathize.

I don't want to die today. Not at all. Why do I want to live, and you want to die? For one, I have no family; I do, but they're on the otherside of the world. I think you are deeply mistaken thinking that your kids are a reason to live. They don't gain anything from having a sorry sad mother around. I can just imagine that you do love your husband, I loved someone too once, and walking away for selfish reasons was the hardest thing to do.

You sound to me like ten-million other American house-wives. Of course you're gonna have all the same problems as they do. At forty, working on the land at a bunch of part-time jobs, with a drunken husband --have a look at the outcome of this, you'd have to be blind not to see that the best possible outcome is still pretty sad.

Walk away from that world and everything about it. I got on a plane and flew to the otherside of the world and just started everything all over again; uncertain, desperate.... I suggest you get on the next plane bound for Cambodia or Egypt or some such distant and exotic place and start living the life of an ex-pat. Ex-pats are people who were fed up with their lives and had the foresight to see that their future was bound to be pretty sorry.

There are a thousand thrilling, dangerous, exciting, passionate lives waiting for you to live. Smoke hash and write poems in the High Atlas mountains of Morocco. Help orphans in Vietnam. Teach English in China. Set up a safe-house for Christian millitants in Sudan. What have you got to lose? You've already seen that your life is a useless waste; destroy it doing something amazing; smoking opium and sculpting alabaster in Egypt, running guns to the Karen freedom-fighters in Burma.

This is your last chance. You will die on your stupid pills; or you will live a wasted sorry life in rural America --or you will live a life so amazing, ten years from now you'll be writing books about your exploits and adventures.

What ever you think you're living for --or dying for, walk away from that, something rich and foreign and thrilling is just a day's flight away.

 

[deathwalking]

gorgias, I often think about leaving and starting fresh some place else, but Im worried that I'll still be unhappy in a forgein land.

spuds....I sympathize and can relate.Actually to be truthfull I see alot of myself in your husband.I made mistakes in my relationship....a woman I truley loved and didnt show her enough.I took her for granted.One day she upped and left....emptied the house.Worst day of my life.

 

[roses]

Gorgias:

I think you are deeply mistaken thinking that your kids are a reason to live. They don't gain anything from having a sorry sad mother around.

They also won't gain anything by losing a mother.

You will die on your stupid pills

For your information, Gorgias, anti-depressant pills actually make a lot of people a lot better. They sometimes take a while to work and yes, sometimes they DO make you feel worse, but it's worth a shot - I know plenty of people who've been on prozac and who feel much better for it.

What ever you think you're living for --or dying for, walk away from that, something rich and foreign and thrilling is just a day's flight away.

I think this a bit of a stupid thing to do, if you're really depressed. It might work for some people but it could also make you a lot worse... out in the middle of a foreign country where you don't understand what anyone is saying, don't understand the currency, feel alone.

If you choose to do this, I would recommend joining an English-speaking company that helps people in different countries and will pay for your bed and board. Just remember you're leaving your kids behind.

I think you should leave your husband. It is better to leave a bad situation that to let it kill you.

Can't you just move in with your parents or a friend for a while, or go to another state?

 

[spud]

Roses, there is so much you have said in there. I am currently trying to take it hour by hour or day by day, depending how I feel.

Georgias, there is no point in up and moving to another country because I will still have the same problems in my mind, maybe not in my face so to speak, but walking away without some resolution is not my way. I know it can work for some and that is good.

I do love my kids dearly, but they each have their own lives now and in many ways that has taken a burden off me as I used to always have to negotiate and referee between each of them and their father, he would try to control them too and the arguments would be horrendous. Many times I felt like I was permanently on the spin cycle in a washing machine. If I agreed with what one of the kids said then in his eyes I was against him, that sort of screwed up mentality.

Really I think he has more mental illness than me at times. Yes I am depressed, but I believe he is the cause of most of it.

Marriage counselling was tried years ago, would leave and if I had said anything really bad in his eyes about him then I would have arguments for goodness knows how long.

At present I am trying to get some sort of strength back, I have received some lovely PM's and appreciate them greatly, you folk here are helping me to sit back a bit and try to work ME out.

I will keep coming in here, it is good to offload some of this and know that I can do so without it coming back and biting me on the bum, so to speak.

Many thanks for all your support and hugs to you all. Maybe when I feel "human" enough I can return something to others.

 

[roses]

It's good that this has been helping, even if it's just a little bit.

You're a star, spud. Keep shining. :hug:

 

[blackfire]

Why Christmas? That is the day that the Savior was born.

 

[spud]

Well I was picking up until my husband dumped on me AGAIN today.

It wont be Christmas, it will, if I get THAT low again, be our wedding anniversary in January.

I am looking at maybe getting another job or two and finding somewhere for ME, don't know where the hell I can find any strength, but it is that or the green dream.

I slashed my arms again after his wonderful supportive words today, I refuse to cry over anything he says EVER again. Physical pain is easy to deal with.

He is so screwed up himself and then goes putting it all on me.

Tomorrow we are supposed to be going out shopping together, wow, can't wait for that to be OVER!!!!!!!!! To be honest I would rather chop wood all day than go shopping with him with his manner, I am too too tired again.