I gave him a chance to tell the truth, and he didn't.

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by redgirl, Apr 22, 2016.

  1. redgirl

    redgirl SF Supporter

    Hi guys. I'm a little low today; I broke up with my boyfriend last night and I haven't really slept, so forgive me if I sound a bit all over the place.

    I can't really go into too much detail, and frankly I don't want to for my sake and his, but I need to get certain things off my chest. Have you ever loved someone so much that you'd blindly follow whatever they tell you, even if somewhere deep down you know they're not being entirely honest with you? That's kind of what my whole relationship was based on; me being stupid and naive and him getting away with everything.

    I always had seemingly insignificant (at the time) feelings that told me something wasn't quite right after the first few months of our relationship. The first few months themselves were amazing, he was perfect, we seemed perfect together. Then it all started to slide downwards. I figured it was just the natural shift of our relationship after all the initial excitement wore off, so I thought nothing of it.

    Turns out he had been cheating on me, and lying about many, many aspects of his life, which again I won't go into. I had solid evidence brought to me by a trusted friend, and then I saw him in the act with my own eyes, and then I actually met someone who denies many of the things he has told me. So I kept quiet and silently mourned by myself, while I figured out how to approach him about it. Eventually, I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

    I gave him not one, but THREE opportunities to be honest with me. I just wanted him to tell me the truth, and if he did I wouldn't have been mad, I would have just walked away, because I deserve better and he should find someone better suited to his needs, so to speak. But he denied everything, either because he wanted to save his reputation, or because he wanted me to stick around, like some kind of idiot with no self-respect. He then decided to be incredibly spiteful, while I remained civil and calm. It was difficult, but I know to never say something in anger that I'd regret later, so I just called it quits and walked away.

    I'm not really used to being the one who decides to end a relationship, so it's a very strange feeling for me. I obviously am absolutely distraught, but at the same time I have a strong feeling that I'll be just fine, and that I did the right thing.

    I was wondering if any of you had any follow up advice as to how to remain strong in situations like these, as even if I do feel okay right now, I know I may experience a large dip in my mood and feel inclined to get back in contact with him, which is the last thing I want.

    Thanks again for listening to my rambles :) hope you are all safe and well.
     
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  2. sunnypseudo

    sunnypseudo Well-Known Member

    Being lied to is the absolute worse. I am not entirely certain if I've ever been cheated on, but I know I've been lied to a lot. Nothing breaks trust like a lie. I'm very sorry you've gone through this. It is not uncommon, at all, that when confronting someone about their lies that they decide biting back is the only route. I think you've got the right mind set at the moment. You don't deserve to be lied to. You deserve better than to be cheated on. I'm aware of the temptation of reaching out to that person after they've burned you so bad. I don't know if its healthy or not, but remembering how spiteful he became, the lack of coming forward with honesty in times of weakness may help. If you ever feel as if you might try to gain him back come back and read what you wrote, your own words. You deserve better, he is beneath you.
     
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  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    I'm sorry you were treated this way, but kudos for realizing it, and taking action on it. You didn't deserve to live like this.

    Stay strong, and don't be alone, that's my best advice... I don't have too much experience... but I think you should be around your friends, reach out rather than to hide away when/if you do reach that dip.
    Remind yourself that you made the right decision and that you're much better off this way.
     
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  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Well done you! :)

    A relationship built on lies is doomed before it starts, you have had the self respect to give this guy his marching orders and will be stronger and better for it.
     
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  5. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN

    @redgirl Well done honey! Someone who is prepared to lie to you - especially lie extensively - is not someone you want to be with. You were very strong and I am proud of you for doing the right thing for yourself - way to go Jen!
     
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  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well done Jen. You did the right thing, he is not worth your time, respect or love. Good on you for showing him the door and giving him his marching orders, I am proud of you Jen :)
     
    Khvde likes this.
  7. I've basically wrote a thread like this and I must say your a lot stronger than me I need a lie detector done before it fully sinks in , you done what of should of done years ago now making it near on impossible because I still love her , just wanted to hear yes I did and I'm sorry , technically looking for reassurance to them doing the dirty
     
  8. redgirl

    redgirl SF Supporter

    I will admit that there was a time during my life when I wouldn't have reacted so maturely or calmly to a situation like this. I have many regrets about how I've lashed out in the past, and over the years it has taught me that anger never, ever solves anything. It may make you feel better to bring down the person who has wronged you, but that "good" feeling doesn't last very long, believe me. After all this time, I still place my faith and trust in people, I still give people chances, because the actions of others from my past shouldn't reflect how I treat people in my present, or future. Some people call me naive or ignorant for being so optimistic about how people will treat me, but I think holding a grudge or keeping your guard up to people who could potentially be the key to your happiness, is much worse. I say, leave the past where it is; in the past.

    Having said all that, I do know when to draw a line. This situation with my now ex-boyfriend is a perfect example. I gave him plenty of opportunities to be honest with me, but he didn't. Not only did he wrong me, but he deliberately lied to my face about it, too. This is something I cannot be around. In all honesty, I do forgive his actions, but that doesn't mean I'll go running back to him. I'm never going to reward his behaviour, and hopefully that will teach him that the things he has done were unacceptable.

    I say, if people treat you this way, then they are not worth your time or efforts, and it's as simple as that. As difficult as it may be to walk away from them, you'll definitely be thanking yourself later, when you find happiness and respect within yourself and you are given the eye to find someone more worthy of your love.