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I miss my 19 year old self

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Luka M

Voices in my head
#1
I am currently 24 years old, and I have been suffering from depression since high school and I didn't expect my life would be so fucked up as it is today. I have been doing my very best to fight this condition and I may have prolonged my life but not cure it. If only I can find a cure but there isn't. How I wish I could go back in time to warn my 19 year old self of the dangers of this timeline. I miss being happy. I miss being truly happy with myself, being confident and glad to be me. I miss those days. Days when I just didn't think about anything else. I just wanted to be happy again. There is no cure but happiness is just there... But how can I find it?
 

nobodyknows71

For a Phoenix to rise, it must first burn.
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Hi Luka, Happiness is out there. You were happy once not that long ago, you can get back there again. What are you doing to find it? Are you receiving any help? Counselling or meds?
Hang in there,

Take care
 
#3
Happiness as we know it pretty much comes in waves, nothing is always the same. It will return in another way at some point, perhaps even when you least expect it.
I think our 'task' is to hold on through the not so happy times, and keep trying to improve ourselves.

Keep hope and keep doing what you can to manage the depression. Your 30 year old self may look back to your 24 year old self and say a big thank you for holding on so you can experience the "sweet". :)
 
#4
Hey, Luka. I am currently 19 years old :). Although I can't recall how long I've been suicidal/depressed/anxious/all-of-the-above, it feels like it's been an eternity. I lament day and night about missed opportunities and wasted days. Just the little things, you know? Like feeling so alone and unloved whilst surrounded by friends and classmates at prom. Being too stuck in my head to enjoy the first few weeks of university and make any friends. Taking some (what I call my) sleepy-time pills and locking myself up in my dorm room on my 19th birthday to avoid the suicidal thoughts that come with celebrating life when you wish you were dead.

I feel like there's nowhere to go from here - I've already screwed up the first couple decades of my life, what's the point of fighting so hard for a future I've already ruined?

For these reasons, I can understand where you're coming from when you describe simply "prolonging" a life of sadness.

But... like... there's this feeling that comes so naturally to me when I think about your struggles. I just want to say "you got this, I believe in you!"

I find that I get in the worst of moods when I compare myself to others of my age... what they're doing... how they're so much happier and more successful than I am... but I have my life, they have theirs, and you have yours. Both of ours may be shitty but there's potential to be so much better and so much stronger inspite of all of it. It is, of course, quite hypocritical for me (someone in the same state as you) to be saying the same things I would brush off if someone had said them to me. However, while I don't have my shit together, just the thought of you working yours out gives me hope.

If it helps: try thinking of what you would say to me. Start with... "hey, Ann. I know you're struggling and fighting so hard to make it another day - but don't give up! go for 1 more year! no! don't stop there, go for 5! we'll fight this battle together! because if I made it to 24, I know you can too."

Luka, I'm so proud of you for making it to 24. I can imagine how hard it must have been and you are SO strong for dedicating your life to finding happiness in a world that hides it so well.

All the best, Ann.
 

Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
I am currently 24 years old, and I have been suffering from depression since high school and I didn't expect my life would be so fucked up as it is today. I have been doing my very best to fight this condition and I may have prolonged my life but not cure it. If only I can find a cure but there isn't. How I wish I could go back in time to warn my 19 year old self of the dangers of this timeline. I miss being happy. I miss being truly happy with myself, being confident and glad to be me. I miss those days. Days when I just didn't think about anything else. I just wanted to be happy again. There is no cure but happiness is just there... But how can I find it?
Hi there, are you in college now? Is there a counsellor you could speak with? Please tell us more about yourself when and if you are comfortable. I am sorry you are in such distress. And I am happy to talk to you if you need someone :)
 
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