• Apologies for the issue with a bizarre redirect on the site earlier today. There was a large server update and an error in an IP address had the traffic routing wrongly. No hacking or anything nefarious and nothing to worry about. Sorry for any stress/anxiety caused. Very best wishes - SF Admin

I Need to Help Her

#1
Intro (IMPORTANT PART TO READ):
I have been struggling to help my (don’t judge before reading the whole story) ex girlfriend. We were forced to be separated by her parents and things have gone downhill. My goal was always to make her happy, and I can’t stand the though of her being emotionally and verbally abused while being isolated from all of our friends. She’s too hurt to even talk to me right now, but I want to fulfill my promise... my promise of making her happy. I have been crying over this because I can’t live with myself knowing I was the root of the whole problem. I love her so deeply and I am extremely passionate about her, I have never been so passionate about anything in my life. I tried emailing her school the other day (I spent four hours writing this), but I do not know what other actions should be taken if it turns out this did little to nothing. If you care, feel free to read the essay I sent as it explains many things going on and why. You need the long version to understand.

P.S., I know a wise adult, but even they didn’t know what I could do :(. I need something or a resource that can allow me to help her before or after she starts talking to me again. Any help is tremendously appreciated as I am still looking for the key to save her. My heart cannot rest until this problem is resolved. Thank you for anyone who read this, and please don’t tell me to simply “get over it” and “realize I can’t help her.” as I have heard that enough. I hate to sound pathetic but I cannot be happy until I can make her happy.

Long version:

Dear ___

I am deeply concerned about a 10th grader named____. The reason is, her living situation at home is terrible. She has been emotionally and verbally abused and from my knowledge, she is not getting any professional help. I always do my very best to be there for her and have tried my best to help her, but it’s as if something is blocking everything out including the disappointing truth around her. The situation has not improved and it deeply concerns me. She’s in a deep state of denial and hides many things in fear of herself. I can confidently say she is most likely not improving. We have tried our best to stay in touch, but her parents forbid her from talking to me and all of her/our friends. She’s also desperately trying to avoid the past, yet her parents repeatedly bring it up and throw it back in her face, and ridicule her for her preferences rather than support her decisions. Every time we talked since things started going downhill, she seemed broken. She is in pain when we talk and is desperately trying to leave her own past behind. She can’t even bring herself to speak to me as of now because of various reasons out of my control. From what I know, She has only been allowed to talk to one person I do not know well and people I never met in (state). She is isolated and has no escape. She feels unsafe, living in fear. Most of her privileges, though they gave her enough privileges to apparently control her, have been revoked over a small subject matter which is sexuality. Ever since her parents found out we fell in love with one another, they became emotionally and verbally abusive. It breaks my heart with how everything turned out and I feel as if this letter is one of the few ways I can help her. No one deserves to get disgusting remarks from their parents because of who they love. Her dad told her she’ll go to hell and her parents claim she’s a disgrace. They have done everything in their power to manipulate and control her. Her mother once told me, she will never move before she is done high school. But when this whole situation started happening (May 19, 2017), things quickly took a dark turn. Her house phone was no longer to be used, it was unplugged. She was no longer allowed to see any of our/her friends, and we shared most of the same friends. Her parents started to monitor almost everything she did, they would not leave her alone. They made sure we could not see each other and accomplished this by moving from (state) to (state) right before school started. As these dark events unraveled, I saw the negative changes within her occur. When we were together, I brought light into her life. But once we were separated, everything seemed dark. Everytime we spoke I could tell she was traumatized. If she was in a safe environment I could have continued to make her happy but instead, her parents took her passionate hope and nearly all of her happiness away from her. With all that happening, her parents seemed very secretive. They were very hesitant to get anyone involved (yes, even with how sad her parents made her they didn’t really want her to get help! That’s why everyone is so blocked out of her life, especially our friends since we’ll “influence/support her”) but ended up getting her a christian therapist since they are most likely biased by religion against her decision. What her parents say against her is invalid though, as I know educated religious people who believe no one deserves to be treated as poorly as her. They also see her preference as alright and accepted this (and her as well) since it’s her own decision. Just to make it clear, this does not have to do with age. ____’s female family member has a girlfriend and her parents are ashamed of this family member, so they are determined to convert ____ before she’s 18 and it’s “too late”. As she is only 15, I cannot watch her suffer until she is of legal age. Trying to convert someone at any age due to your own opinions and disgust towards sexuality is sickening itself. If there is no positive change, I could see things getting worse as she gets older as this is something her parents will never give up on accomplishing. It’s been five and a half months and nothing has truly gotten better. But sadly, I can say with confidence there is an extremely high chance her parents true behavior is beyond repair. They’re good at appearing as normal parents but inside the home without others around is a whole different story. What’s stranger is once this started happening, multiple of my friends and I realized we all got weird vibes around _____’s extremely manipulative father before any of this even happened. He was very fake happy and friendly, even at the time it made me feel uncomfortable and awkward around him which is very suspicious. If this situation is bad enough for serious investigation (which I believe it to be, as it could potentially save her mentality), do not let people be deceived by his “friendliness” for reasons stated before. He is very good at faking kindness, I told a trusted adult about how evil he turned out to be and she was in disbelief. But anyways, I know _____ very well and her parents are the issue, not her. She has always been a shy, sweet and selfless girl who seems to “break” or worry about things easily. I know for a fact she needs help before she’s completely trapped and it’s too late. She needs to stop feeling unsafe as soon as possible. She is already “losing emotion” and does not seem like herself anymore. She claims this friend she talks to mostly using her mother’s cellphone is the only important thing she has left and “accepted” her future could be terrible and lonely (which will not happen). A teen believing it’s ok for life to be bad and to have very low expectations for the future is depressing itself. She also does not really look forward to going home. Someone's home should be their safe place, not an environment to constantly be scared of. She also claims her parents mostly tell her to do homework, sometimes insult her and they’re not very nice nor loving towards her, which is not an appropriate parental ethic. I haven’t heard her say one good thing about her parents for a long time. She is the kind of person to not hate people, but she even admitted her parents are horrible. Her parents have also messed with her head. Since the situation began, she has been trying so hard to force herself to stop loving me. Love is not a thing parents should influence so they are personally happy even if it means their daughter will be extremely broken and depressed. It is very obvious her parents knew they were making her depressed and doing something wrong as they knew they had to constantly control her and get far away from me. It’s as if they’re scared of my existence even though I only helped their daughter. Love is something anyone is entitled to have on their terms (within reason), no matter the person's race, gender, opinions, anything. They should not force her to let go of her feelings as it is genuine love she feels. They should at least let her keep her friends and myself as just a friend. My mom tried last summer, but her mom was very unwilling to negotiate and her parents even cancelled the summer camp we were going to stay at together with our other friends for a week in july. They were even fine with losing money by cancelling it just to keep a female she loves away so I cannot influence her. This isn’t even about religion at this point, my mom & I were more than willing to discuss this issue with them but they wanted nothing to do with compromising and pushed us away as quickly as possible! I really did everything in my power to help, but they can’t be influenced. Everything seems too opinionated at this point. Also, before this situation her mother always claimed she had to listen to her husband for a situation where her other daughter was unable to talk to this one boy since he said one bad thing to “seem cool”. It seems to me her father has been very manipulative (in situations where he’s personally extremely unhappy even though he should care about his children's happiness more) this whole time but her mother isn’t much better than him as she is disgusted by ___’s choices and did not help her. She also lives in so much fear that she’s scared to find a way out of this mess. She believes things will get worse if she disobeys her parents. It’s unacceptable for anyone to be this scared of their own parents. <miod edit - methods> On top of this, they have also violated some of her human rights (different times and I am not obligated to get too far into how each was violated, her privacy has been taken and I would like to respect what little is left) and the rights violated are Articles 1,2,3,5,18,19 and 27 (source: http://www.un.org/en/universal-declaration-human-rights/) Yes, my facts may be a little outdated since she has been less open towards me lately which is very unusual behavior. Things could currently be going better or worse as I described, but regardless I do know this is a traumatic burden she is carrying. If you could look into this and get help to make her situation and treatment better it would be tremendously appreciated. It’s clear to me that something needs to be done about her parents and her own mindset. She got help last summer, but it only temporarily helped her. She needs consistent help her parents cannot prevent her from getting and a way to feel protected again. Nobody deserves this kind of treatment, and I refuse to sit back and do nothing. I contacted you because I can’t do this alone, and in the kind of society we live in, children and teens such as myself are less likely to be listened to when it comes to situations like this. I also give you permission (if allowed) for you to show other staff members as long as non confidential people do not hear about this or you may ask me questions and shoot me an email if you think either of those will benefit her. Please make sure she’s truly well taken care of and if there’s anything I could possibly do to help her more myself, don’t hesitate to email me. I’m sorry this email was so long as explaining everything felt necessary, I had to make the most of this email. Thank you so much for your time, I deeply appreciate it. :)

Sincerely, Anonymous
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Rockclimbinggirl

SF climber
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#2
Contact Child protective services. If it is imediate danger then call 911.

Are there any youth shelters near her? What about emancipation, not sure if she is old enough yet.
 
#3
She is 15... I also tried CPS back when she was in my state but i didnt get to explain enough. I mentioned even a adult reported it awhile back and she said it was “not abuse” since it sounded like a punishment apparently so I felt really uncomfortable and ended it as quickly as possible. I was very shaky from the start.
It is also very hard to prove emotional abuse from what I know :(... I know she needs to get out of her house though
she could find a shelter if she has the guts but she has no personal phone. I just know she needs a way out... I will keep those in mind though I will most likely wait until she talks to me again (could be months because of the damage done to her mentally, I don’t know how much longer I can wait.)
 

GeminiStar

Well-Known Member
#4
Seconding calling Child Protective Services again and possibly calling the police. What her parents are doing is outright child abuse. I'm afraid i dont know if it'd be better to hear from her again first, but from the sounds of it, that could be a while off, so you may need to jump the gun there.
If CPS didn't take you seriously, do you have an adult on your side who could handle the call?
 

JmpMster

Have a question? Message Me
Owner Emeritus
#5
I am sorry and you ar enot going ot like this reply- but

Her parents- based on the details you have given- have not abused her or overstepped in any way. Phones, where children (15 is a child) are allowed to go, who they get to hang out with , etc are all purely on the whim of the parent, and I have no clue what actions prompted the loss of privileges or privacy but am very certain every story has 2 sides. If there is actual abuse going on certainly you should report it to child services or call 911. An anonymous note to a school is not going to do much- it may get them to ask her what is going on and it may just cause more issues as somebody that her parents do not want her seeing- (well within their prerogative like it or not) is still making contact therefore giving the clear impression that they have not taken enough measures to this point. The articles of human rights have no political or legal bearing and lacking any sort of detail to show actual abuse (which there are absolutely none in the note) there is no reason for anybody to act on the note. A difference of opinion on what is fair or unfair is miles from legal thresh hold of abuse.

Abuse is a legal issue- if you believe her to be abused report it to child protective services or call 911 and report it- end of. There is nothing else to be done. Things like "allowed to love who/how they wish" - sorry- not even close at 15. It is not an "opinion" type thing- is just basic legal facts.
 

Freya

Loves SF
Admin
SF Author
SF Supporter
#6
The reason that the wise adult you spoke to does not know what to do is because there is nothing illegal going on here. Child protective services will not help because it is entirely within a parent's purview to restrict access to privileges and restrict access to people they believe are having an influence they think is bad for their child. They are doing nothing over which child protective services can intervene.

I agree that making someone feel bad about their sexuality is wrong and ultimately entirely ineffective as no amount of guilt or bad feeling is going to change someone's sexuality. I also think that you are making this situation and the issue with her parents worse though. Obviously your presence in her life is causing conflict and tension in her home environment. She has chosen not to speak to you, she has told you she doesn't want to do the things you are asking her to do because it will make the situation at home/with her parents worse. She has a right to make her own choices about her home life, her relationship with her parents and whether or not she speaks to you. I think that you need to respect her desire to not include you in her life at this time and honestly I think that trying to take action against her parents yourself, affecting her home life and future relationship with her family, without her permission, because YOU have decided that "something needs to be done about her mindset" is controlling and abusive of you. You do not have the right to make decisions about her life - even less so than you believe her parents do - and when you describe how she is when she speaks to you it sounds to me very much like she is trying to cut off contact with you and deal with her home situation with the least trauma possible and you are making her feel horrible about it and denigrating her parents and trying to make her 'take your side' against them. That isn't something a person does to someone if they are concerned with their happiness.

I know that you don't want to hear any of this. She chose to stop speaking to you - irrespective of the reason (the real reason or the reason she gave you) - chose to stop involving you in her life. You say she has changed and become emotionless - if her feelings toward you are different and have changed (and at 15 the number of relationships that last more than a couple of months are very very few and far between especially if they are long distance/cross state) then you need to accept that. What you are describing reads like "she chose to stop talking to me and chose her parents so I am going to try to override her decision about that, take it out of her hands and get people involved to try to change that". It's wrong of you.

You are not going to find "help" with this situation because her parents, while pushing a religious agenda that you do not agree with (and as it happens, that I do not agree with) are not legally in the wrong. I think that you should respect her wishes to manage her life the way she chooses and stay out of it. If she wanted you to help she could ask. Instead she is choosing to not involve you in her life at all, even to the point of not wishing to speak. It is now on you to love her enough to respect that decision.
 

Please Donate to Help Keep SF Running

Total amount
$120.00
Goal
$255.00
Top