I see no point for living anymore.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Adam Dwiputra, May 2, 2016.

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  1. Adam Dwiputra

    Adam Dwiputra New Member


    First of all, i'm sorry if my english is bad, english is not my native languange.

    So, here's my story. I'm from indonesia,i'm 19 y.o, my family is not rich but not poor as well. my father used to have a really decent job, until i was 12 years old and my father retire from his job. We have a good amount of saving, good enough it can support me until i finish college. But something happened and all of those savings was gone. it was 7 years ago and from then my family lives by borrowing others money with a bit of help from family bussiness (renting a small house). I enter college about 8 months ago. at first everything is fine. although my parents can barely paid off my tuition fee, everything is good. and then everything went downhill from 4 months ago.

    My father (who lives at other city, working as a "lecturer" at this religion influenced college which he mostly just talks to his student about religion, not the course) stop sending us (me, mother, and brother) money anymore. Stop contacting us. My mom try to borrow some money from her friends but every friend she have was already lend her some money. We have a huge amount of debt. every week there is someone who come to us trying to collect the money we borrow. My brother (16 yo) who at his, idk, puberty? he keep asking mom to buy his a latest gadget, a new clothes, a new shoes. While me trying to reduce my outcome so i can save some of it, so my mom don't have to give me money every month. When mom talks to father, he said "i'm trying" and that kind of stuff. or give her advice from religion perspective like "be patient. god's have plan for us". it's not solve any of our problems.

    and then mom got sick. she constantly complaining about headache she been having. and i'm the only one, the only person she can talk to about this stuff. this problems is affecting my performance at school. i can't focus on my course (i study physics at college). there is no more money left for me, or my brother. i don't even know how to paid my tuition for upcoming semester. i started to think to drop of college. try to work as a labour. but then i'm crying, i cry when i think about this kind of stuff. from highschool i have a dream to work at research center like nasa, cern, or fermilab. i dream to live at other country. i don't want to live in this country for the rest of my life.

    my family was capable to give me college education outside the country before all this happened. i'm angry at father, i'm angry he didn't make a plan for my future. he wasn't even thinking about which school i should go, or which lesson i should take. he just make sure that i get into elementary school, secondary, and highschool. I'm angry why he didn't plan this while he have a chance to do it.

    Now i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. i see no point for living anymore. i always feel like, i wish i can get a fresh start again, i wish i can reset all of this and get a different condition. plus my obesity thing, i'm to shy to talk to other people. i can't even talk to the cashier if i buy things from a store. at school i always quite. i don't know how to make a close friend, a friend to talk to about personal stuff. i've tried talk this to my mom, and i think she understand how i'm feeling right now but in the end she said "increase your prayer" etc. I've tried. I have tried to pray, to talk to god but he didn't answer. i'm not really a religious person (ironic isn't it cause i come from a very religious family). everything is getting worse. i'm asking mom so i can go to a psychiatric/psychologist but she didn't believe in this sort of thing, she believe if i pray everything will get better.

    i don't know. i don't know what should i do, what i want to do. i don't know if i'm going to finish college. but now the only solution i can see is suicide. i don't want to be a burden for mom, i really love her. i really do. sometimes this suicide thought i have is blocked by me thinking what will mom feel if she see her son commit suicide. she is the only reason why i'm still alive, but at the same time i tired. i'm just want to end this.

    thank you.
    Thauoy likes this.
  2. mpk

    mpk Well-Known Member

    Adam I am sorry you are going through this. I try to look for the positive in life which is not easy l know. Keep trying and look for the positive.
    Thauoy likes this.
  3. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum @Adam Dwiputra

    I am so sorry for the situation you are in, it sounds so very stressful.

    I don't know how the educational system works in Indonesia, but would it be possible for you to take a break from school? maybe for a year? or longer? Until things get better? Maybe you could get a job while taking the break and see if that improves things?

    Please don't give up. You should get some help instead. Is there a counselor at your school you could talk to, without your mother needing to be involved?
    Thauoy likes this.
  4. Thauoy

    Thauoy Well-Known Member

    Hi Adam Dwiputra , Welcome to the forum . I am so sorry you are going through all this in your life. But you should not quit. You should live for your mother.
    Think how much pain it will give your mother if you suicide. Please don't give up. I know how hard it is to get going when life turns so difficult and bad. As " mpk" said you should keep trying and look for the positive in life. May be you should take a break for a year or two until things get better.

    I was also could not complete my education in time due to financial & other problems of my life. But somehow completed my education later on and got a job in a bank.
    Please please don't give up.
    May your days get better.
    Best Wishes.
  5. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    I hope you feel better soon, @Adam Dwiputra . I know sometimes the pain can get so unbearable that suicide seems like the only option. Please stick around for your mother's sake. It sounds like she loves you and cares for you deeply and it sounds like you feel the same about her. Maybe you can take a break from school to work and pay off some debts and then go back? Good luck and please don't give up.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi Adam and welcome to the forum. Studying physics at college? wow well done on getting so far and being so smart and determined. I think you should have a heart to heart with your mum on the subject of seeing a psychiatrist, you deserve to be feeling better than you are. Could you get a summer job to help pay for next semester? Suicide is not a solution to anything, ever. There is always another way. That's what I believe and that works for me. I think you should talk to your little brother about these latest gadget buying, its unreasonable to be spending money on that when ye are struggling with money issues. I wish you all the best and you are free to talk to me anytime! Good luck :)
  7. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. You are important and please refrain from doing anything. I am saddened by your story but you know we are a supportive group. Please refrain from doing anything as we can help YOU.

    Please keep posting and let us help you. Take care and be safe.
  8. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Seeing is Believing Forum Pro SF Supporter

    We all are dealt cards that are given to us. Why are you so angry about college tuition and your parents situation that has changed? Being entitled and being expected to have it all handed to you because they had it before?
  9. Hi Adam
    I feel your pain. I often feel there is no point in going on and I am all too familiar with financial issues and the "trapped like a rat" feeling it produces.
    Do Not give in to those thoughts!!!!!!!!
    First of all, things can get better but suicide is permanent & something you can't take back.
    Second you love your mom- you can't do that to her. The pain it would cause her would be way worse than what you are going through. There's no greater pain than losing a child.
    Thoughts of my children are what holds me back from ending it(my parents are gone).
    Since the more pressing issue for you is financial, I would recommend the laborer job you mentioned. That way you would also be able to see a counselor or psychiatrist with your own money and can work through some issues.
    Keep us posted
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