Hello.
First of all, i'm sorry if my english is bad, english is not my native languange.
So, here's my story. I'm from indonesia,i'm 19 y.o, my family is not rich but not poor as well. my father used to have a really decent job, until i was 12 years old and my father retire from his job. We have a good amount of saving, good enough it can support me until i finish college. But something happened and all of those savings was gone. it was 7 years ago and from then my family lives by borrowing others money with a bit of help from family bussiness (renting a small house). I enter college about 8 months ago. at first everything is fine. although my parents can barely paid off my tuition fee, everything is good. and then everything went downhill from 4 months ago.
My father (who lives at other city, working as a "lecturer" at this religion influenced college which he mostly just talks to his student about religion, not the course) stop sending us (me, mother, and brother) money anymore. Stop contacting us. My mom try to borrow some money from her friends but every friend she have was already lend her some money. We have a huge amount of debt. every week there is someone who come to us trying to collect the money we borrow. My brother (16 yo) who at his, idk, puberty? he keep asking mom to buy his a latest gadget, a new clothes, a new shoes. While me trying to reduce my outcome so i can save some of it, so my mom don't have to give me money every month. When mom talks to father, he said "i'm trying" and that kind of stuff. or give her advice from religion perspective like "be patient. god's have plan for us". it's not solve any of our problems.
and then mom got sick. she constantly complaining about headache she been having. and i'm the only one, the only person she can talk to about this stuff. this problems is affecting my performance at school. i can't focus on my course (i study physics at college). there is no more money left for me, or my brother. i don't even know how to paid my tuition for upcoming semester. i started to think to drop of college. try to work as a labour. but then i'm crying, i cry when i think about this kind of stuff. from highschool i have a dream to work at research center like nasa, cern, or fermilab. i dream to live at other country. i don't want to live in this country for the rest of my life.
my family was capable to give me college education outside the country before all this happened. i'm angry at father, i'm angry he didn't make a plan for my future. he wasn't even thinking about which school i should go, or which lesson i should take. he just make sure that i get into elementary school, secondary, and highschool. I'm angry why he didn't plan this while he have a chance to do it.
Now i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. i see no point for living anymore. i always feel like, i wish i can get a fresh start again, i wish i can reset all of this and get a different condition. plus my obesity thing, i'm to shy to talk to other people. i can't even talk to the cashier if i buy things from a store. at school i always quite. i don't know how to make a close friend, a friend to talk to about personal stuff. i've tried talk this to my mom, and i think she understand how i'm feeling right now but in the end she said "increase your prayer" etc. I've tried. I have tried to pray, to talk to god but he didn't answer. i'm not really a religious person (ironic isn't it cause i come from a very religious family). everything is getting worse. i'm asking mom so i can go to a psychiatric/psychologist but she didn't believe in this sort of thing, she believe if i pray everything will get better.
i don't know. i don't know what should i do, what i want to do. i don't know if i'm going to finish college. but now the only solution i can see is suicide. i don't want to be a burden for mom, i really love her. i really do. sometimes this suicide thought i have is blocked by me thinking what will mom feel if she see her son commit suicide. she is the only reason why i'm still alive, but at the same time i tired. i'm just want to end this.
thank you.
First of all, i'm sorry if my english is bad, english is not my native languange.
So, here's my story. I'm from indonesia,i'm 19 y.o, my family is not rich but not poor as well. my father used to have a really decent job, until i was 12 years old and my father retire from his job. We have a good amount of saving, good enough it can support me until i finish college. But something happened and all of those savings was gone. it was 7 years ago and from then my family lives by borrowing others money with a bit of help from family bussiness (renting a small house). I enter college about 8 months ago. at first everything is fine. although my parents can barely paid off my tuition fee, everything is good. and then everything went downhill from 4 months ago.
My father (who lives at other city, working as a "lecturer" at this religion influenced college which he mostly just talks to his student about religion, not the course) stop sending us (me, mother, and brother) money anymore. Stop contacting us. My mom try to borrow some money from her friends but every friend she have was already lend her some money. We have a huge amount of debt. every week there is someone who come to us trying to collect the money we borrow. My brother (16 yo) who at his, idk, puberty? he keep asking mom to buy his a latest gadget, a new clothes, a new shoes. While me trying to reduce my outcome so i can save some of it, so my mom don't have to give me money every month. When mom talks to father, he said "i'm trying" and that kind of stuff. or give her advice from religion perspective like "be patient. god's have plan for us". it's not solve any of our problems.
and then mom got sick. she constantly complaining about headache she been having. and i'm the only one, the only person she can talk to about this stuff. this problems is affecting my performance at school. i can't focus on my course (i study physics at college). there is no more money left for me, or my brother. i don't even know how to paid my tuition for upcoming semester. i started to think to drop of college. try to work as a labour. but then i'm crying, i cry when i think about this kind of stuff. from highschool i have a dream to work at research center like nasa, cern, or fermilab. i dream to live at other country. i don't want to live in this country for the rest of my life.
my family was capable to give me college education outside the country before all this happened. i'm angry at father, i'm angry he didn't make a plan for my future. he wasn't even thinking about which school i should go, or which lesson i should take. he just make sure that i get into elementary school, secondary, and highschool. I'm angry why he didn't plan this while he have a chance to do it.
Now i don't know what i'm going to do with my life. i see no point for living anymore. i always feel like, i wish i can get a fresh start again, i wish i can reset all of this and get a different condition. plus my obesity thing, i'm to shy to talk to other people. i can't even talk to the cashier if i buy things from a store. at school i always quite. i don't know how to make a close friend, a friend to talk to about personal stuff. i've tried talk this to my mom, and i think she understand how i'm feeling right now but in the end she said "increase your prayer" etc. I've tried. I have tried to pray, to talk to god but he didn't answer. i'm not really a religious person (ironic isn't it cause i come from a very religious family). everything is getting worse. i'm asking mom so i can go to a psychiatric/psychologist but she didn't believe in this sort of thing, she believe if i pray everything will get better.
i don't know. i don't know what should i do, what i want to do. i don't know if i'm going to finish college. but now the only solution i can see is suicide. i don't want to be a burden for mom, i really love her. i really do. sometimes this suicide thought i have is blocked by me thinking what will mom feel if she see her son commit suicide. she is the only reason why i'm still alive, but at the same time i tired. i'm just want to end this.
thank you.
