I see not value in life....

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#1
I do not have romance, I do not have wealth, I do not have power, and I do not have influence. I love nothing and keep myself alive because I promised some people to live. I have no other purpose than to suffer. I have no other purpose than to endure hardship. If there is nothing but pain in my life, what kind of life is that? If those who had the choice to choose death or bondage, they chose death. I am bonded to the pain inside that obstructs me from loving or caring about anything. I know how I would choose leaving here, how it is possible, how it is so easy. Yet I still live. I still live in the same house I was raised in, and I have not even moved ever away from this place to be safe. I have no home. I have no family. They say my family is alive, but they are dead. I cannot see them except my psychopath father whom I am eternally bonded to until I work hard enough to get out of his house. What will kill me first? My desire for rest, or climbing that immeasurable mountain? Either way I will still enter into a brutish end. I feel nothing. Nothing but pain. Nothing but suffering. The ones who mock and laugh at me do so because they know they will meet the same fate. Shall I laugh too? Shall I laugh along with them at the fool who believes he is worthy of love; of living; of acceptance? You cannot respect a clown until he seeks your life. Only then you see the darkness in his neopolitan paint covered heart.
 

Aurelia

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#2
I do not have romance, I do not have wealth, I do not have power, and I do not have influence. I love nothing and keep myself alive because I promised some people to live. I have no other purpose than to suffer. I have no other purpose than to endure hardship. If there is nothing but pain in my life, what kind of life is that? If those who had the choice to choose death or bondage, they chose death. I am bonded to the pain inside that obstructs me from loving or caring about anything. I know how I would choose leaving here, how it is possible, how it is so easy. Yet I still live. I still live in the same house I was raised in, and I have not even moved ever away from this place to be safe. I have no home. I have no family. They say my family is alive, but they are dead. I cannot see them except my psychopath father whom I am eternally bonded to until I work hard enough to get out of his house. What will kill me first? My desire for rest, or climbing that immeasurable mountain? Either way I will still enter into a brutish end. I feel nothing. Nothing but pain. Nothing but suffering. The ones who mock and laugh at me do so because they know they will meet the same fate. Shall I laugh too? Shall I laugh along with them at the fool who believes he is worthy of love; of living; of acceptance? You cannot respect a clown until he seeks your life. Only then you see the darkness in his neopolitan paint covered heart.
Your words read like poetry to me. Although, admittedly, very sad poetry. I hate that you feel you deserve pain. Pain and suffering is inevitable, but no one should feel like they deserve it. But then again, I can't say what anyone should or shouldn't feel. That seems like an ignorant thing to say. Sigh. I don't know. Maybe people thinking they don't deserve pain is what makes them all so arrogant. Maybe there's a middle ground somewhere, a neutral zone. All I know is that I don't want you to feel this way. We've established that neither of us believes in right and wrong. Therefore, I have no idea if I'm right or wrong in feeling this way about seeing you suffer like this, and I'm not going to say it's either or. It just is. I wish you were able to find contentment.
 

nightingale77

Well-Known Member
#3
Hi there, sorry to hear you are in a very difficult season of your life right now. It seems to be that life has gotten you so far down into the abyss that you can only see darkness around you. I hope you know since it’s an abyss, you can have a chance for joy. You can make a choice of climbing out of the abyss and experience life in a difference lens. I hope you know you are capable for happiness and joy and you can have it and you definitely deserve it. Please don’t tell yourself you cannot rely on someone else to journey with you. You can and you are allowed to. I’m so sorry that things around you seems so dark right now but don’tgive Up just yet ok?? Give yourself a chance to heal and live the life you would envision. Keeping you in my prayers. God bless!
 

Walker

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#4
You're obv a pretty deep guy. I'm glad you have this place to keep leaning on. I hope you are finding some peace.
 

Jaz

Well-Known Member
#5
It was beautiful,as a person who too writes poetry,thats what this felt like to me and i can relate so well to this. Though i had relationships that arent working. Im mentally screwed up because of all the mental strain I've been put through. Im losing hope but at the same time,ive accepted my place in life,even if it isnt such a good place
 

Paul1234

Well-Known Member
#6
There is a purpose to your life but I urge you to think more outwardly. Think about how many times you started each sentence with “I”.

Your purpose will be more clear when you realize it’s about the people around you. It’s about affecting them in a positive way.
 
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