I shouldn't be here yet here I am

[reapersweep]

It's confusing. The feeling that I shouldn't be here, shouldn't be alive. I screwed up my fate, like straying off the path in the woods. Now I'm lost, stumbling through life and can't find a path to walk along.

When I was young, maybe only 12, I was suicidal. I was worried that dying would be a mistake so I made a pact with myself. A contract:

I can not kill myself until my 18th birthday, no matter how much I want to die. If you choose to live then you will have one more chance if you change your mind. You must live until your 21st birthday and if you still want to live you will not be allowed to kill yourself.
​

And over time, it felt like it was meant to happen. I made friends in high school, start becoming more involved in life. At first, I felt sad that I would die and make them sad. I started to feel like I would miss them if I died and maybe I shouldn't. Stupidly, when my birthday came and I realized that I could graduate high school with decent grades and good friends, I stayed alive.

It was good to have friends but I felt something twist. I made a mistake but there was a chance to fix that. College didn't go as planned, one semester and they didn't give me financial aid and I couldn't afford to go. Things twisted, my curse grew and hurt those around me, and my thoughts strayed to death,

​

21st birthday comes around I choose life for my friends and family. Things twisted more and it felt like I had cheated. I was meant to die but here I am. Every day I think of death but I am bound by the contract. So I pray for the world to end and set all of us free.

​

 

[may71]

What would help you the most right now?

 

[Alice333]

Everyone's life has taken a turn at some point. For some, bad and for the few people like you and us, really bad. But let me tell you that life is worth living! It may not seem so for you and that is understandable, but there is always a chance to turn things around, but you may just need some help, guidance, and encouragement. Feel free to express yourself here and ask for help, reach out to counselors or people you can trust. You'll never know if you never try.

 

[reapersweep]

Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done to turn my life around. I am too poor for college and don't qualify for any grants and loans. (I already owe over 2,000 in student debt) My anxiety and inability to keep reality from twisting makes working painful for me and annoying for coworkers and boss. Moving out is necessary but it hurts so very much, like wire being pulling through my veins. And it sounds like I'm making excuses, my med doctor tells me every time I see her that I need to just do things and be better but I can't. Life keeps reminding me that I should die, terrible and hurtful events keep happening, good things are always a little out of reach but I never fall to the lowest point where it would be ok for me to die.

My parents and roommates know what I want for Christmas, being allowed to die, but they don't take me seriously. My roommates try to comfort me and my parents are just tired of hearing how suicidal I am. Does this count as first world problems? It kind of feels like that's what I'm complaining about. I really am wretched, aren't I.

 

[may71]

Does this count as first world problems?

I hate the whole "first world problems" one-liner. While being very poor and living in a third-world country can be difficult, not everyone in a third world country is so badly off. If a person has good health, good relationships, and their basic material needs met, a person will probably be happy. There are plenty of people in third-world countries who are happy.

Financial hardship is not the only kind of hardship that a person can suffer. If you don't have good health and you don't have good relationships, that's even harder to deal with than just being poor. And even if the absolute financial value of assets owned by a person in the third world is lower than that of a person in the first world, a person in the third world also generally has lower costs for many things.

It kind of feels like that's what I'm complaining about

If you feel so bad that you want to die, you are experiencing legitimate suffering. Anyone who tries to write off what you are experiencing as a "first world problem" is ignorant.