In my previous 2 posts, the first one I had made a decision that suicide was the answer and I had made that choice, I think, rationally. My second post was the after effects of my attempt and being found by my social worker from cmht (even though noone was due to see me the day I chose, I still have no idea why she called!!)
I discharged myself from hospital as I was left waiting 8 hrs and was still with my SW (she said she would have made the same decision but couldn't advise me) and knew I had a pdoc appointment the next day. I spoke honestly with her although everything is still very hazy from the overdose the previous day and she asked if I wanted to die or just go to sleep so the intrusive memories would stop - I said my intention was to die.
She asked how I felt and I said I don't know (I had so many emotions I really didn't know) and she said that was fine to not know. We looked at my meds (am struggling with side effects on a lot of them) and she said I am still on 1 week prescriptions until she feels I can have more tablets around me - I said I wouldn't OD again as I was obviously bad at it. She told me she was glad I was still here and she that she wasn't patronising me, she genuinely meant it (which was nice, but still don't believe!)
Anyway, that was Tuesday and since then things have been going downhill. I was really sure on monday that I wasn't meant for this life anymore and to go ahead and see what happens after life and I had a kind of peaceful feeling that I haven't felt for a very long time. And now I have so many things going through my head, the overwhelming one being - just do it now - family think I am away with friends and friends think I am away with family from today until tues and I know my SW is on hoiday until tues as well so noone from cmht will bother me.
But then why I am writing this - is it just to get my point across so I feel complete and justified or am I subconciously wanting help - I don't know
If I do it tonight then I have 4 days until anyone would ask any questions of where I might be - seems the best time doesnt it?!?!
I discharged myself from hospital as I was left waiting 8 hrs and was still with my SW (she said she would have made the same decision but couldn't advise me) and knew I had a pdoc appointment the next day. I spoke honestly with her although everything is still very hazy from the overdose the previous day and she asked if I wanted to die or just go to sleep so the intrusive memories would stop - I said my intention was to die.
She asked how I felt and I said I don't know (I had so many emotions I really didn't know) and she said that was fine to not know. We looked at my meds (am struggling with side effects on a lot of them) and she said I am still on 1 week prescriptions until she feels I can have more tablets around me - I said I wouldn't OD again as I was obviously bad at it. She told me she was glad I was still here and she that she wasn't patronising me, she genuinely meant it (which was nice, but still don't believe!)
Anyway, that was Tuesday and since then things have been going downhill. I was really sure on monday that I wasn't meant for this life anymore and to go ahead and see what happens after life and I had a kind of peaceful feeling that I haven't felt for a very long time. And now I have so many things going through my head, the overwhelming one being - just do it now - family think I am away with friends and friends think I am away with family from today until tues and I know my SW is on hoiday until tues as well so noone from cmht will bother me.
But then why I am writing this - is it just to get my point across so I feel complete and justified or am I subconciously wanting help - I don't know
If I do it tonight then I have 4 days until anyone would ask any questions of where I might be - seems the best time doesnt it?!?!