I want this pain to end

[sadhart]

i don't normally post in this section, but I had a really bad morning...well, almost everyday is bad, but this morning I have been wanting to end this pain so bad. first, I really despise my family. i am in my late 20's, haven't finished college, and am not working (not on purpose) and I live with my aunt. they hold over my head what i can't do and are sometimes just flat out wrong. they make assumptions and are often times discouraging. rather than talk and understand certain habits i have like cutting and drinking, they just say to stop or talk down to me as if that's going to make me do so.

speaking of drinking, yeah, i drink alcohol, and while it is a choice, one reason why i make that choice is because i get so tired hurting emotionally. the same can be said when i cut.

living with my aunt can be hard at times. for example, i got angry at her because all day she nagged, which she doesn't see as nag, because as she puts it, only wives can nag. i felt bad about it, but it also is getting to be overwhelming. like i can't get some freaking tap water at night without her saying something.

the rest of my family have some stupid habits too and to list them would take all day. and im not saying im a good person....im a terrible person, but that doesn't mean i like getting talked down to. I have so much bottled up anger that i was so mad this morning that i cut. i can't talk to them about how hard this is because they don't care, but they expect me to see things from their often half assed prospective.

there's more, but im tired. im sorry if this came out confusing.

 

[sudut]

well, living with family members is something i really hate.

 

[sadhart]

okay, well....thanks for relating a little I guess?

 

[TLD]

I can relate. I lived with my aunt for quite some time after getting down on my luck/becoming ill with "bipolar disorder." Most of the days I was just sad and would stay in my room or lay down just to keep from being nagged. "You've been at home all day? What have you done? Why haven't you washed the dishes? As soon as you smell food cooking, you come downstairs. I don't know how much more I can take of you living with me. Etc" it is very hard. And I understand your reasons for wanting to escape. I am also 27, and I haven't finished college yet. Sometimes I get a quick jolt of self-esteem and think to myself "who cares what they say, I'm going to make something of my life and prove all the doubters wrong." But often times I think, "yea, they're right. I f'd up my life. I'm forever going to be an f up." I hope that you find strength to cope. I can see that you are a good person. I can always see some good in most people, just never myself. What gives you some sense of relief besides cutting or drinking?

 

[sadhart]

thank you tld, and even though I don't know you, from your posts you also have a good heart it sounds like. I was thinking that I would try to get some used video games to keep distracted for the weekend. I don't know how much that will help, but I think that's a more positive coping skill to deal with my emotional pain.