i wish that i wanted help trig

[kath]

Hey everyone

ive not been online for a while for various reasons but apologies to those etc that have had to wait a long time for a reply to their PM's etc!!

As i say it is for various reasons i have not been here.ive not been doing so good.im still taking piles and piles of tablets in overdose daily.If anything it is increasing.But i can certainly say for certain it certainly isnt decreasing.And it is making me more ill.im just feeling sicker,weaker and id just like this to be over now please.i am finding it more of a struggle to deal iwth the physical effects than i used to.There are so many.The excessive sweating,dry mouth and dehydration,bleeding,occasional hallucinations [on really heavy days],feeling sick/being sick,intermittent stomach pain,probems with memory and sometimes with co-ordination/balance and confusion,increased anxiety and agitation etc so yeah i think you get the picture....i'll say i have to keep doing this as these things are part of hte punishment and youll tell me i dont need to be punished............i only wish i could believe that as you do if you do.But i dont.i dont know why.i dont remember any time in my life where ive felt i dont need to be punished though.

But apart from my not doing too well with that im also upset at the moment.The tablets are making me more ill.i have few people in my life and even fewer who know my situation but the tablets are making me more ill than they used to and so no matter what i do i appear more ill visibly to those around me.They get upset then and even more upset that i cant accept help/simply do not want help.It upsets me that they are upset about that.And it also upsets me a great deal that i simply do not want help,cant get myself interested in it or life.There are times right now i so wish i wanted help cos i see how much this upsets those around me.Someimtimes i wish i could make myself want help but i cant.i get so frustrated iwth myself as i know others do too.

i so wish i wanted help.It so much upsets that it is simply something i do not want.i cant explain it.All i know is that it upsets me and other people and that i simply do not want it.i cant explain it.i dont know that i understand it entirely or at all to be honest either.i just know that i really strongly do not want help [oh and dont deserve it either].Thats all i know.

Another thing im not saying im gonna do anything alone these lines or nothing.But i was thinking the other day.And something just crossed my mind.i dont know why.im not planning on doing this or anythihng and in fact the explanation im about to give you is more to illustrate and help you to understand the more broad question behind the scenario if you like.For some reason i was thinking that if i did a suicide note to leave before i died who would i write it for - i dont know why i was only assuming i could only have one lol but i did.My answer was immediate.The problems for me was that the answer was not my family.Cos when i thought about it i feel that is what i should have come up with.i guess because i guess thats what a lot of people come up with.And also i feel very very disloyal now that that wasnt what i came up with.i feel really bad about it.But the thought had never occurred ot me it would be them i write for if i wrote before i die.Even if i had ever thought of doing a note i had never spent even a second imagining it would be for them.But now i feel bad about the answer to my own question.Who would i write for?And my more broad question is is it bad or does it say something negative about you as a person if you are a lot more close to people outside your family?Is that bad?Is it wrong?i dont even have much contact with my family at all except the odd birthday/christmas card i send.The lack of contact is for complex reasons and they do not know where i am too [not being comfortable or not being able to feel less frightened and therefore tell them where im too is something i already feel much guilt and disloyalty about and now this tooo.]

i'll stop rambling now and sorry if this has been hard to understand........im just struggling right now and when your a person who so wishes that you wanted help but you know you simply dont your in trouble.............

Its almost upsetting me as much as others now that i dont want help but acknowledging that i wish i did is even harder for me to cope with.Because when you wish to want something.And you still cant make it come,make yourself want it you know your in a very difficult and troubled place..........

 

[me1]

Hi Kath,

Why do you feel you need to be punished? What is it you think you are or have done that makes you think this? Please write back. Thinking of you. :sad:

 

[kath]

Hi

Thanks for the reply.

Most but not all the things that bother me are in my past.And yes i know those things are the past,its in the past,just let it go....well maybe its a failing or inadequacy of mine again but for me it doesnt seem to be that simple
I dont do what i do with the tablets cos its just about punishment.To me its about a lot of things but your right in that punishment is one of the main things that has brought me to this position and the place im now at with things.

I could probably write a novel on all the reasons i should be punished.Thats how many there are.But the irony is if i made a list id never them all on there......there would always be something i forgot.........something i would have to add later.....thats the sadness,patheticness of it all.......the sadness and patheticness of me

i feel i need to be punished for many things.For not having earnt the love and care of my parents.How bad and unlovable must i have been that my own parents couldnt fall in love with me????i know there are exceptions but in general i think most parents want to love their own kids.i guess many parents dont have to try to adore their own kids.That sometimes it natural just happens.But with me perhaps they tried?Perhaps they wanted to love me?Perhaps its cos of me they couldnt??What does that say about me though?i dont know.Perhaps they did love me in their own way.Maybe they did.Maybe it was just hidden behind all the other stuff going on in my home and family.Maybe it was just hidden away.i think that there was so much going on in our house.So much unrest,chaos,anger and fear that there wasnt really much time for us to remind each other we loved each other.It was certainly not a priority.It was rare to have civil moments in our house – constantly right through each and every day there was always somone falling out or shouting or name calling if not all five of us together.Often there was fear [well certinaly in me] that somebody would get hurt [there were often threats of this] and sometimes they did.

Dont get me wrong.There were always presents for Christmas and material things and they always brought stuff for school etc.Materiaally with that kind of stuff there was never or very very rarely a problem.But emotionally in our house things were different from that.It was odd though.As i say we did Christmas presents and stuff and materially things were always fine and looked after but the irony was that behind closed doors we were giving each other all these present etc like for Christmas day and stuff but we were often having some of our bitterest arguments etc at times like that and Christmas day was never ever really an exception behind closed doors.People still taunted and were nasty to each other and were very very direct with what they said and thought [not that directness is always bad as i know sometimes in conversations it can be useful but in our house we didnt do talking and conversations just arguments,yelling,swearing,name calling and hurting and none of the direct things said were ever or extremely rarely any amount of positive and thats why ive classed the directness in my family as a negative here.]

My parents often tormented and taunted each other.And i think this was part of how our family became the way it was.i do not blame my parents for what happened but they were ocnstantly at each others throats and i think we began to see this as how life was so we too joined in.My parents were to say the least not happy together.This was never ever hidden [except in public].In fact it was very directly put in front of us.They never ever had their arguments etc behind closed doors even when we were very young.It was always in front of us for all to see.They made no bones about hiding it from us at all.Indeed my father would start arguments/shouting matches with my Mother about even things so personal as to details of their sex life and what they did and didnt get it,how good or poor it was,that he felt she could have done better.And he often said in these conversations in detail what he would have liked in bed etc and how he rated my Mother [um poorly i think].This is going off the beaten track of what i was trying to say here a minute but also my Dad would have conversations with me/us sometimes in front of my Mum about how he thought we/i would be in bed compared to my Mother at varying things.Anyway yes so what i was trying to say here basically was that even very very personal arguments it seemed were played out in front of the family.Never with just my parents talking to each other it seems.i dont know if that happens in other famalies or not?But anyway also although to my knowledge my Mum has never atttempted suicideshe used to frequently threaten it to both our father on occasion and also me/us.This happened repeatedly and she often said it was my/our fault that she felt like that.It was my/our doing cos of how we had been.i still feel guilty remembering those occasions now.That i could make anyone suicidal is upsetting for me to think about but to think i might have caused my own Mother to be suicidal shows what a disgrace i really am.

I felt to blame for my parents unhappiness and my familys unhappiness as a whole.i felt i should have been able to make things better,different and that i should have been able to make them happy.i thought that maybe if i didnt argue no matter what the situaiton if i simply didnt argue back,or didnt do this or did do that then i would be able to control things make people happier and stop being blamed for the famalies unrest too but it didnt work and i still blame myself for that inn many ways.

i wanted to make everyone happy not damn suicidal!!!i believed i had the power/control to at least significantly if not wholly make the situaiton better and people happier.i gathered i had the control cos by my parents and someitmes siblings blaming me for hteir unhappiness i thought that if i had the power or whatever to make them unhappy and influence them in that way then i must have the power to make them happy to......do you see what im saying??????

i was blamed for making them so unhappy so if i was able ot make them unhappy [not by conscious choice but anyhow they blamed me for a lot so said id made them unhappy] then if i had the ability to do that then surely i must have the ability to make everyone happy too..........i just had to find it but i never did.

It seemed that they implied that i should be able to make them happy by often blaming me for their unhappiness.It seemed like perhaps they felt i should have been able to make them happy.Just like i had managed to make things bad.

I felt bad that i couldnt resolve this.

There are many other reasons why i need to be punished.Firstly i could not and did not protect my sisters especially when i wasnt at home at times id either ran away or when i was sent to a boarding school for people with disabilities [it was too far away for me to travel to daily so i stayed there Monday to Fridays in my last year of schooling after i was moved form other school.]i didnt protect them when i was at home.i was useless.But i feel i let them down even more when i wasnt there.

 

[kath]

On the other hand when i was finally questioned by teachers at my school [the other school before the boarding school] as i had apparently become more and more withdrawn and i finally told them what was going on at home and then social services got involved etc [though they only came,made things worse,then disappeared rather rapidly!] when my sisters were spoken to they didnt collaborate my story or confirm anything was going on at home.From what i gather they werent very talkative at all on the very few occasions they were asked what had gone on.i was not present at any of the times this talking may have vaguely happened [mostly when the police got involved at a later date i think.Though at that age my elder sister was old enough to decide not to be involved in the investigation at that point by the time the police got involved] i think it was in front of my parents.i would never blame my sisters for not speaking out anyway.But even more so if my parents were present the times when they were asked which i think pretty much so they were though i was not present.But i could never say anything with my parents sat in the same room as me either.i always found that really difficult and social services got frustrated with that.They liked me to say things in front of my parents cos that would cover their own backs [my parents were arguing with people that the school i was at at the itme had made this whole thing up and that they had got me to say these things cos i was vulnerable and they had done this said my parents cos they didnt want me there at exam times cos i would let the schoool down espeically regarding their league tables cos of my combination of very poor vision and poor academic ability and that the school knew they couldnt cope with me if it reached that time so they had delibretely picked a fight with my parents knowing they wouldnt allow me to stay as a pupil at the school and i would have to change] and given the situation i understood the need to cover their own backs and i guess they too didnt want to become in the firing line like the school had...........so they needed it to appear to come from me.And in many ways as i say i understand that.But i was a failure cos in front of my parents i could say very very little.i was scared.Social workers go home at the end of each day........i was all too conscious of what would happen in my family later that day when they had gone if i said too much in front of my parents.The very little i did say in front of my parents i often got very punished for and things just became a lot worse at home all the time.If they ever heard me say the smallest negative about them or about how we [including me – i know i very much have responsibility for my part and made mistakes and oculd have done a lot of things a lot better] as a family were i was in a lot of trouble when people had gone.And similarly if i hadnt said things in front of them but had talked about it too teachers etc it was always fed back to my parents by social services.And i guess they had to do that cos its their job to find out what was going on but this only ever made things worse for me at home.As a result of me speaking out i rarely feel any positive occurred.And ot be honest i wouldnt do it again,i wish i had never spoken out.

Anyway im going off on a tangent again arent i.Sorry.i was trying to talk about my sisters and why i need to be punished.i need to be punished for not protecting them.But on the other hand maybe i need to be punished because maybe there was no need for protection.Maybe it was just me.Just me who couldnt deal with this situation at home but who should have done.Maybe there is something wrong with me and i saw things as wrong or diffiuclt or scary when they werent.i know there is no such thing is a normal family but was mine very different from the average??If we were average i should have been able to cope.What if these things were ok and i was lucky to be in the situaiton i was?What if i saw problems and was uncomfortable when i shouldnt have been?Maybe its just all me.You see thats what i see now.My Mum and Dad are still together.And my two sisters seem to be getting on with their lives and they didnt do any of the things i did like running away.They didnt need to.Cos they were dealing with it.i hsould have dealt with everything too,just got on in the normal way with life as they have..........if they could then why couldnt i..........i keep telling myself i should have.......and that cleaarly i was the only one who was uncomfortable.........and that means i shouldnt have been.What if it were just me and these things were not major problems to happen? What if i shouldnt have felt uncomfortable or threatened or frightened at home?Its just me.Thats how it feels.My sisters are getting on with their lives.Probably thinking badly of me too.Just like my parents [my parents became experts at convincing people im a troublemaker and maybe i just am or just plain screwed up].If they didnt need to run away,if they didnt need to speak up then neither should i.i shouldnt have needed those things or if they didnt perceive things like i then neither.should ihave.i should have been [or should be] like them.So i should have been able to protect my sisters [oh and occasionally my parents from each other].Thats one reason i should be punished.But on the other hand another is that i should be punished for having been uncomfortable there.i should have been punished/need to be punished now for seeing things different to my sisters.i should be punished for not just managing ot get on with my life and stay living in the family home unlike me.i should be punished for the times i ran away.Cos thats disloyal and bad of me.And my parents thought that was bad of me too so its not just me.i should be punished for speaking out.That was very very disloyal as again my parents repeatedly remiinded me.And they were right.i was their daughter and as they used to say your not supposed to speak out or say bad about your own family/parents.They used to tell me/make it sound like i owed it to them not to say things or cause them difficulties cos of all they had done for me in my life.They didnt want me to say these things.Loyalty was a big big thing in our family and probably still is.My parents expected loyalty from us and i dont think that was necessarily wrong.i should have been more loyal.i was their daughter after all.But many things i did like struggling to deal with the environment at home though my sisters and everyone else coped and got on with life and didnt need to get out was very disloyal of me,it was disloyal of me to feel uncomfortable there,it was disloyal for me to see things in this way at all.i come back to what if nobody else in this world had been uncomfortable in my shoes in that place?What if others wouldnt have felt anything like i did about the situaiton?What if it was just me and i hsouldnt have felt that/these things?

I was disloyal for speaking out and for feeling unhappy.i was disloyal for talking aobut my unhapppiness.And maybe i really definitely should not have been unhapppy in the first place.All of those are major things i need to be punished for as well as the things like not being able to protect people or make them happier or for the things i made worse,for making my Mum suicidal etc.i should be punished for running away the times i did.i should be punished for the fact that my familydont even know where im too now,i should be punished for still being so patheticly scared.i should be punished for not getting to my own Gran's funeral.My own Mum's Mum and i couldnt even find the guts to do that.i let her down.i let everyone down.Have pathetic am i.i couldnt even get there.Couldnt even make myself face them and my family for her.Couldnt make myself go to her funeral.Couldnt make myself not still be this pathetic scared thing.Not only did i fail in spending any time at all with her in her last few years alive but i couldnt even damn get myself to her own funeral.im sorry Gran.i SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE.i SHOULD HAVE GOT THERE.i SHOULD.i SHOULD and i SHOULD.im sorry.i SHOULD HAVE GOT THERE.i'll never forgive myself for this.

 

[kath]

I should be punished for feeling closer to others than my family.i should be punished for the times ive wished someone else could come be a Father or Mother figure to me in my life now.i should be punished for the times i sought this.i hosuld be punished for putting that on to other people.i should be punished for even thinking about it.i should be punished for self harming and for when i spoke out about this at school too [i was getting too many marks and it was getting too bad and something needed very minor but medical attention]My parents know little about the extent ive self harmed in my life or what stage things are at now and they certianly know nothing about my suicide attempts or ending up in hospital etc through OD.Though they may have had some idea of my suicidal ideas cos others i think probably mentioned it to them and also on a couple of occasions i think they read some of my personal writing/diaries which i think often involved me writing about my self harm/and suicidal feelings and wishes [though was years ago so only the very start – i thought id always be too scared ot put a 'real' suicide attempt ie more than five or six or so pills into action hhmmmmm] and this only ever caused me trouble.Probably served me right for writing it down.i should have known it would cause diffiuclties but writing was and still is about the only positive therapeutic coping strategy i have that seems to work for me.i can see why they ewere ashamed of me,though i was a disgrace for my self harm.i guess they are right.i often see myself like that now.And i should never have brought more shame on our family by talking about our problems outside the family [though my parents would probably still say we had none but would say either way what i did was disloyal and i can understand] and by eventually confiding to others about my self harm – this was harmful ot our family cos of how my parents thought it reflected on them and our family.i had brought more shame and they hated me more cos they worried about whaqt people what thought of us.We were supposed to be/appear to be the perfect family and now i had done this.

I should be punished cos i let my parents down.i should be punished because i never met their expectations and wants academically or otherwise.i should be punished cos it was important to them that i should beat my cousin [who was in the same year as me] at exams but i didnt.i should be punished cos i didnt do as well as my sisters either.

I should be punished cos i struggle with hygeine and nobody should have to uput up with me.i should be punished cos every or most relationships/friendships i have i mess up in the end.i should be punished cos i didnt complete college.i should be punished cos in my fathers words im a burden/outcast [cant remember which he most said,probably both at varying times] to socity and will always bei should be punished cos my parents felt that my teaching assistant [i was often accompanied in classes due to my disability] did all of my work for me at school [or certainly most of it they felt] and i should be punished cos whenever i got a good report my parents said it was either the assistants work or that the teachers felt so sorry for me being so poorly able that they lied and made it up.i should be punished cos i couldnt convinice them differently.i should be punished cos what if they were right and much of the work wasnt really technically my own cos i had the support assistant with me.?

I should be punished cos i was disloyal cos after the school went to social services etc after id began to talk about things at home and my parents were trying to convince various people in the community either i was a troublemaker and liar or the school was making me say these things i then wrote to those people [including MP's and solicitors etc] my parents had contacted and defended the school doing what they had and said it wasnt them but my parents who was in the wrong.The school had backed me and i didnt want them in trouble but what kind of kid does that to their own parents?Speaking out is bad enough let alone defending the other side against your parents in aan argument when it gets to that stage.i should never had done that,any of it.It was so disloyal.i cant believe i did it.i must have been such a bad ungrateful child.No matter what had happened,what they had done i shouldnt have done that cos they are my parents.

I should be punished for not wanting to have changed schools and go to the new one for my last year of schooling.i should be punished cos i didnt enjoy events like going away with my family on holiday or other special events.i hsould be punished cos i could not much enjoy much of the time i ever spent with my family.i should be punished cos as one teacher once put it to me 'If the summer holidays were cancelled youd be the only kid in the school smiling' and she was right and i was bad for being that way.i should be punished cos though i have two eye conditions one of which is inherited from my Mother sometimes my parents said this caused additional problems and headaches/hassles etc for them and i know it did cos it was clear to see os i feel i should be punished for that too.i feel im bad and should be punished cos ive never had paid work only voluntary let alone been in full time work and this would be an absolute failiing to my Dad and family and i can understand why.im 23 i should be working earning my own money by now but right now im terrified of all people in the world whether i know them or not and know i could not hold down a job but i know tht doesnt excuse my patheticness.i should be working,earning a living not planning my suicide.Things like this were important to my family.Probably stil are.And im letting them down and im sure many in society would think badly of me too for being the lazy suicidal person i am who isnt even in work.i am scum.

I should be punished cos of the taking tablets in overdose daily for the past three and a bit years,for increasing the dose,for putting eveyone through what i have particuarly those im close to,for not having taken enough to be dead yet,for not being dead,for being alive.i should be punished cos i havent got the money to give to peole to pay for my funeral after i suicide soon.i should be punished cos i dont deserve a funeral.i should be punished cos i wish a partiuclar person could sya goodbye to me before i die/suicide and though i know she cant really do that i find it hard to accept,to resist trying to get it at times.That must mean im really bad.

Also i should be punished cos at times i imagine this person holding my hands as i die and dont get me wrong id never ask anyone to do that but the image comforts me in some way cos it makes me feel less alone and comfortedand that im cared for but i shouldnt have that image should i.Its wrong.Something else i should be punished for.Though id never ask her or anyone to do that iie be hter ewhile i die the image is on my mind.........a lot and it is only an image but it comforts me and i feel bad and guilty about that so thats why i feel i should be punished for it.i know [more than understandably] that she would not want herself to be in that image whether it be fantasy or whatever so i feel bad about it.So its another bad thing i must be punished for.

Not all of this is about punishement for me you know.Why i do what i do and why i am what i am.Its also about various other things but one of the other main things apart from punishment is that i feel i have to 'put thngs right' in a physical sense.im not saying i can put things totally right just as right as i can.You see on many occasions my parents repeatedly told me either directly on occasions and indirectly on others that they wished i was never born.i can only make that as right as i can.But in my eyes the only way i can do that is to get rid of myself physically from the world.They are my parents,i was born to them and it feels like if they wish i hadnt been born then i shouldnt be here anymore.

I need to be punished cos of my thought the other day.The one where i was thinking hypothetically about if i was to leave a note who would it be for and i realised it wouldnt have been my family who i would instantly think of doing that fore.i feel so guilty.im so bad.Even you must think im bad for that whoever you are.

Im sorry this is so long!It wasnt meant to be.Well actually i dont know what it was meant to be.i hope it helps people understand me and talk with me more [though i probably dont deserve that].Please try and see where im at.

And now i feel bad and i should be punished cos i want to be able to contact my support worker and miraclously find the words to tell her how bad i feel right now,but i shouldnt even need her,and i hsould protect her and let her go now before i die.If she isnt working with me at the eime of my death.........perhaps she wouldnt know.That may be best for her.i should let her go now really.She has done so much for me.Now i need to protect her from me and my death.Or at least thats what i should be doing no matter how hard it seems.however much i want her to be there still.But it is her who is important now and i dont know what to do with her.But i certainly wont contact her right now this time.ive contacted her in the nights before [she has a work phone we can contact her on when in crisis] but there is little she can do for me,i dont even want help just selfishly to have someone there and i dont even have words and she needs protection right now.So i shall leave her be!i wish she was here.Maybe i shouldnt be allowed to wish that either.Maybe i should be made to be on my own.Something else maybe to be punished for.Wishing she was here.

 

[kath]

If i do die i know i will have let her down.id never forgive myself for that.Thats one of the few things that keeps me going – how important she is to me.Maybe its stupid but that really is how it is for me.She has done so much for me.ANd now i know within me if i die i'll still need to be punished more for letting her down.So if i live or die i need to punished.Whatever state im in or someewhere in between life and death i just must punished.Thats all i know.Thats all i know.

Also ive taken a lot of tablets in the past twenty four hours of the stuff i take daily in overdose.

I need sometone to talk to but maybe i should even be punished for that cos maybe i shouldnt,dont deserve it.

Maybe i should be punished for being alive,for not being dead.For being me.Punished just for being me.......being who i am.

Thanks for reading if you have.Sorry if you have too.Its a waste.im a waste. Oh yeah and i should be punished for not wanting help too.Help to stop me dying.Its even worrying me now that i dont want help.......cos i know i should.But i just dont.

I need this to be over now.

Sorry if this is c**p with confusion or spelling or whatever.......as you probably know by now im always c**p at those things.

 

[me1]

Oh Kath. Please pm me!!!! Reading this makes me cry. I dont think you should be punished at all. *big hugs*


Grant

 

[kath]

i feel very weak and sick this morning so i cannot write much.But thankyou so much for your kind words.But please dont cry cos of me.......im not worth it,i would never that!!!Please dont.

im gonna shut up which i should have done ages ago........just like i should have died ages ago too........that would have shut me up........but no im still here......for now.......please take good care.

 

[thedeafmusician]

Kath, you ARE worth it. You ARE, dont ever think that you're not. big hugs to you.

TDM