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I wish that I was dead
- Thread starter silverflash
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The professionals believe what has happened to me. The problem is that nobody believes that I have been sent away from 15 "professionals" who can't deal with the intense feeling of hysteria that I have when the rape is discussed. I never thought that a doctor could send anybody away.
I am so tired of trying to find help.
Today I feel very ill - I want to die..I want to die..I want to die..I don't know what to do. The pain is intense...sorry...but I don't know what to do...
I am so tired of trying to find help.
Today I feel very ill - I want to die..I want to die..I want to die..I don't know what to do. The pain is intense...sorry...but I don't know what to do...
read this if you are interested. you don't have to be.
http://www.thercg.org/books/wdye.html?gclid=CLmFu475_oYCFR6ZIgodI0VFHQ
http://www.thercg.org/books/wdye.html?gclid=CLmFu475_oYCFR6ZIgodI0VFHQ
I have tried and tried to cope with these terrible feelings of imense inner pain and I am tired of fighting them. I don't know how to get through a minute more of my life.
I WANT TO DIE...
I hate myself so much...
I hate life...
I want to escape from the darkness that surrounds me.
Pain, pain, pain - That's all I know.
Everybody has deserted me. I am all alone.
I can't stop the tears - Only the tablets and death will do that.
I'm so sorry.
I WANT TO DIE...
I hate myself so much...
I hate life...
I want to escape from the darkness that surrounds me.
Pain, pain, pain - That's all I know.
Everybody has deserted me. I am all alone.
I can't stop the tears - Only the tablets and death will do that.
I'm so sorry.
So sorry to write again, but don't know what to do. I realise that you are fed up with me - and that's OK because I am more than fed up with myself too. I am writing this because I need to tell someone and there is no one here - I am all alone. At least by writing it here, I am telling the air.
I know that I am worth nothing and that hurts me so much. Tomorrow I have to go and see a counsellor. Shall I be honest and tell her how much I want to die?
My life is over. I just need to take the tablets. They are waiting for me. Can I take another day of pain? Why can't I just sleep for ever???? I deserve to die - I need to die - I want to die.
There is no escaping the pain.
There is no escaping the tears.
The only escape is death.
I know that I am worth nothing and that hurts me so much. Tomorrow I have to go and see a counsellor. Shall I be honest and tell her how much I want to die?
My life is over. I just need to take the tablets. They are waiting for me. Can I take another day of pain? Why can't I just sleep for ever???? I deserve to die - I need to die - I want to die.
There is no escaping the pain.
There is no escaping the tears.
The only escape is death.
All I can say is that I am sorry to hear that you have had a similar situation to me. I can't imagine many things worse than begging a doctor for help and being refused it.
Yesterday, once again I was suicidal. I spoke to the Samaritans. One interesting point they made was that the GP can not turn me away as they have a 'duty of care' and they HAVE to help me.
I can understand that you find it difficult to talk to doctors. Do they understand? I am petrified of going back to my GP and at the moment I certainly don't feel well enough to face the ordeal.
Yesterday, once again I was suicidal. I spoke to the Samaritans. One interesting point they made was that the GP can not turn me away as they have a 'duty of care' and they HAVE to help me.
I can understand that you find it difficult to talk to doctors. Do they understand? I am petrified of going back to my GP and at the moment I certainly don't feel well enough to face the ordeal.
Just feel like dying and have read the thread 'Fundamentals of slashing one's wrists'.
Feel even more depressed now as I don't know if I could cope with that level of pain. I don't want to have a painful death.
I want to sleep and never wake up from this hellhole that we call life. Perhaps that is just the coward's way out... but perhaps I am such a bad person that I deserve that level of pain before I escape life.
Pain around me all the time
Above, below, inside and out.
There's no escape
Until one's death
And then we can be at peace.
Unfortunately a week after beginning this thread nothing has changed - Am I surprised? I still want to die and I want to die NOW. I know that you are not allowed to discuss methods, but I did wonder if... sorry , not allowed to write that. I am frustrated as my plan seems to have fallen apart since reading 'Fundamentals of slashing one's wrists'. Don't know what to do and I suppose no-one is going to make a suggestion.
Depressed, suicidal and now FRUSTRATED! - Not a good combination.
Why can't I just find a peaceful way to die? That is all that I want.
Feel even more depressed now as I don't know if I could cope with that level of pain. I don't want to have a painful death.
I want to sleep and never wake up from this hellhole that we call life. Perhaps that is just the coward's way out... but perhaps I am such a bad person that I deserve that level of pain before I escape life.
Pain around me all the time
Above, below, inside and out.
There's no escape
Until one's death
And then we can be at peace.
Unfortunately a week after beginning this thread nothing has changed - Am I surprised? I still want to die and I want to die NOW. I know that you are not allowed to discuss methods, but I did wonder if... sorry , not allowed to write that. I am frustrated as my plan seems to have fallen apart since reading 'Fundamentals of slashing one's wrists'. Don't know what to do and I suppose no-one is going to make a suggestion.
Depressed, suicidal and now FRUSTRATED! - Not a good combination.
Why can't I just find a peaceful way to die? That is all that I want.
I understand exactly how you feel its very discouraging, the reality is we are as strong as we willing to be in our mind so the outcome is up to the person themself, just take life one day at a time and reward yourself each day for making it through. Understand that one day happiness will come one day and everything will be fine.
Do you really think that we are strong?
I am told that I am strong but inside I just feel like I am falling apart with no-one to help me to keep it together.
Take one day at a time, you say - I have to. I can not make plans further than one day because I do not know how ill I will be feeling.
Reward myself - now that is so difficult. I hate myself so much. How can I reward myself? Yesterday I had to go to the hairdressers and I spent most of the time in tears. Why? Because I had to sit infront of a mirror and look at myself. How horrible is that?
"One day happiness will come" - I don't think so. I have waited all of my life for that. All I can see is darkness and pain around my life. My only escape is death, but as I said before, I need to find a way to die without pain. Is that possible?
I am told that I am strong but inside I just feel like I am falling apart with no-one to help me to keep it together.
Take one day at a time, you say - I have to. I can not make plans further than one day because I do not know how ill I will be feeling.
Reward myself - now that is so difficult. I hate myself so much. How can I reward myself? Yesterday I had to go to the hairdressers and I spent most of the time in tears. Why? Because I had to sit infront of a mirror and look at myself. How horrible is that?
"One day happiness will come" - I don't think so. I have waited all of my life for that. All I can see is darkness and pain around my life. My only escape is death, but as I said before, I need to find a way to die without pain. Is that possible?
I know that your are that strong, and more.
Its true that we can't go it alone, remember there is a lot of people on here who are your friend and care about you including me.
You will feel better when you are doing something, you have to push yourself even when you feel like theres a big grey cloud following you. It took me 9 years to learn this.
Its a little thing called self acceptance i'm having difficulty with this myself. I know what its like to have hatred for oneself you just have to forgive yourself and use the anger you get from the hatred and turn it into good. I am certain you are a beautiful person, everyone is.
Yes its possible to die without pain but wouldn't it be better to live without pain? I also feel the same way but i will continue to walk towards the light because i know i will get there someday no matter how hard it gets, you have to do the same never give up.
Its true that we can't go it alone, remember there is a lot of people on here who are your friend and care about you including me.
You will feel better when you are doing something, you have to push yourself even when you feel like theres a big grey cloud following you. It took me 9 years to learn this.
Its a little thing called self acceptance i'm having difficulty with this myself. I know what its like to have hatred for oneself you just have to forgive yourself and use the anger you get from the hatred and turn it into good. I am certain you are a beautiful person, everyone is.
Yes its possible to die without pain but wouldn't it be better to live without pain? I also feel the same way but i will continue to walk towards the light because i know i will get there someday no matter how hard it gets, you have to do the same never give up.
Yes ideally I do want to live without pain, but going back to my original point, I can't find anybody to help me to do that eg doctors - and if you say I just need to help myself, well quite simply I'm too tired to do that anymore. I have been fighting for such a long time. I just want to slump down, put my hands in the air and shout "I give in!"
So sorry to write again. I know that you are all probably totally fed up with me. It's just that I can't bear this pain. My head is full of thoughts of suicide and I'm trying to be strong and fighting them - and failing.
Somebody in town killed herself recently. Lucky her! I just want to escape this pain. What can I do? I know that there are no answers, but the pain just goes on and on and ...
I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE LIFE!!!
Somebody in town killed herself recently. Lucky her! I just want to escape this pain. What can I do? I know that there are no answers, but the pain just goes on and on and ...
I HATE MYSELF AND I HATE LIFE!!!
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