If you have, how did you?

[i_am_not_here]

OK, I thought I would put pen-to-paper (so to speak) about other issues I have. I know they revolve around other people's views on me, but that's just the way I am.

So, let's deal with this relationships thing. Get it out of the way, shall we? It's all very well saying that I should not focus on the fact that I haven't ever been in a relationship, that I should focus on myself, etc, etc. Let me ask you this: is it normal for someone to reach the age of 25 (26 in a fortnight) and to have never been in any kind of serious relationship, or even not-too-serious ones? I can pretty much guarantee the answer to that one, so don't feel you have to answer it. Is it normal for someone to be "turned down" (to put it nicely) on every single bloody occasion that they have asked someone out or even let someone know how they feel? Do you not think that these two things alone would make one feel really quite inadequate and begin to wonder what exactly it is that would seem to evoke this response of almost revulsion? Do you not think that it might have a negative impact on one's self esteem and self image? Do you not think that it would be a really hard thing to overcome and to simply "stop thinking about"?

I have a severe problem with trusting anyone. I can make so-called "friends" easy enough - people who would call themselves my friends, that is. However, I don't let people get to know "the real me" because ultimately I end up getting hurt by it. And everytime I get hurt it makes it just that little bit harder to trust anyone else with my emotions. I wouldn't like to call these people my friends. Sure they may call themselves my friends, but they only see the "me in a mask" that I've mentioned before. The reason that I wouldn't like to call these people my friends is that there's a certain element of trust in a friendship, and I don't know if I can trust them to see what's behind the mask. I don't know that I can afford to take another blow emotionally if they should choose that they don't really like "the real me". To be honest, I'm standing pretty close to the precipice as it is.

I have a pretty bad self image problem. I am pretty tall (6'3"ish). I am very large (16st5lbish). I see myself as being of moderate ugliness (I don't think there's a quantitative measurement for ugliness). Now, being overweight isn't really an issue if you're of average or less than average height. I am not. I see myself as being a very large, very round, ugly git. Put that together with a low self esteem anyway and severe trust issues, et voila you have someone who's a bit fucked up.

 

[allofme]

HI

I wish i were able to speak with youas my comp skills are not so good and because of having a bit of a disociative problem I can loose my train of thought while trying to type well or Quote correctly which i cant get to work right now ... but i will muddle through as you are worth it...

I must say that you have made me smile.. I am not laughing at you... i am impressed at the effort and inteligence you have....

and please do not blow off the compliment.... it is a true and accutate one from where i stand... and if it is a mask ... you wear it well ... and as said before >>>> i para-phrase >>>>> we are in part a total of the masks we put on....

as far as your class... there is a joke the punchline is .... I dont have to run faster than the bear... i just have to run faster than you..

translation... get a clear understanding of what your employers expect your students to know at the end of your class... and all you have to do is stay one step ahead of your students... if you need to go back to the books to make lesson plans then that is what you have to do... it is part of the job you have taken.... no one expects you to know everything .... just enough to bring some knoweldge to others....

about making friends... No i do not expect you to say ... ok you dont want me now tell me why... BUT after a while of knowing each other you could say hey thereis this girl i like .... do you have any good ideas an how to get to know her better.. any ideas on a first date...

the person now being a friend... will speak from experience and ...will not say ... for example i hated the way you spoke to me..... but she would remember what it was that she did not like and would lead you in a good direction by giving you examples...

and in gathering her imput you can figure out what you did if anything that messed up the chance at a relationship,,, it could be somethig as small as trying too hard.....

I also think that you are having trouble trusting yourself as well as others... fear of being hurt will limit you and how you act

going back to your burned hand.... yes.. give it a rest and think of something esle... and the pain is put in the back of your mind and the hand is healing...

but when you go to use it while it is still sore you no longer take the position of letting it heal and have moved in to the mode of using it again

maybe you are not giving yourself enough time to heal between rejections... basically not allowing your "trust" and self esteem issues to heal and grow strong so that if you get shot down it wont mortally wound you....

and i did mean it, that so many of us are here to help you grow past this....

i am here for you..... and others are too.....

 

[i_am_not_here]

First of all, forgive me for editing your post in my reply... I have pieced it together in the context in which I read it.

HI

I wish I were able to speak with you as my comp skills are not so good and because of having a bit of a disociative problem I can loose my train of thought while trying to type well or quote correctly which I cant get to work right now... but I will muddle through as you are worth it...

Thanks for the kind senitments. I wouldn't worry about having "not so good comp skills"... you have learnt how to use a keyboard and mouse, so you're already way ahead of some of the people I teach!

I must say that you have made me smile - I am not laughing at you, I am impressed at the effort and intelligence you have. And please do not blow off the compliment, it is a true and accurate one from where I standand, and if it is a mask then you wear it well. And as I said before, I will paraphrase, we are in part a total of the masks we put on.

Thank you. At least someone likes my mask.

As for your class... there is a joke and the punchline is: "I dont have to run faster than the bear... I just have to run faster than you".

Translation: get a clear understanding of what your employers expect your students to know at the end of your class, and all you have to do is stay one step ahead of your students. If you need to go back to the books to make lesson plans then that is what you have to do - it is part of the job you have taken - no one expects you to know everything, just enough to bring some knoweldge to others.

Hehe... you have no idea how much I do that anyway! God bless Wikipedia!

About making friends... no I do not expect you to say... ok you dont want me now tell me why...

Sorry, I am not sure to what you're referring here.

After a while of knowing each other you could say hey there is this girl I like... do you have any good ideas an how to get to know her better... any ideas on a first date. The person now being a friend will speak from experience and will not say, for example, I hated the way you spoke to me. But she would remember what it was that she did not like and would lead you in a good direction by giving you examples. And in gathering her input you can figure out what you did, if anything, that messed up the chance at a relationship - it could be somethig as small as trying too hard.

Arghgh! Gonna have a slight problem here then. As with all the others, the young lady whom I most recently "asked out" (in a manner of speaking) has been really quite distant and cold this past 6 months or so. The others, I no longer have contact with... mainly because they're at the other end of the country. There's also been quite a hiatus... I had virtually zero social contact with anyone for a couple of years. I know this is hard for anyone else to understand because I am not in a normal situation. You seem to be seeing this from the point of view of someone who has been rejected on occasion, and been successful on occasion.

I also think that you are having trouble trusting yourself as well as others... fear of being hurt will limit you and how you act.

Yeah, it's called a "learned response". After enough attempts at something that only ever end in pain, you learn to stop attempting it. You don't stick your hand on a hot radiator too many times before you learn no to.

Going back to your burned hand... yes... give it a rest and think of something else... and the pain is put in the back of your mind and the hand is healing... but when you go to use it while it is still sore you no longer take the position of letting it heal and have moved in to the mode of using it again.

Maybe you are not giving yourself enough time to heal between rejections... basically not allowing your "trust" and self esteem issues to heal and grow strong so that if you get shot down it wont mortally wound you.

I'm stuffed then. I allowed about 4 years between the most recent two attempts to ask a young lady out. I would have thought that would be long enough for such wounds to heal. Evidently not. You see, it's not just the asking people out thing. Whenever I am out, be that with my so-called-friends or just out in the supermarket, I see reminders of my crapness. I can't even be at home without such reminders.

And I did mean it, that so many of us are here to help you grow past this...

I am here for you.... and others are too...

I appreciate the sentiment, but I am getting so tired of the fight. I so often feel that I am beyond help that even coming here is pointless.

 

[i_am_not_here]

Just thought I'd let you know that I am still here... just.

 

[allofme]

sending you safe hugs ......

 

[ari]

I just skimmed over this thread this morning. A few points hit home with me. You talked about not getting into a serious relationship till you were in your 20's. I never really dated when growing up so i guess lol i didnt learn the rituals. I guess that carries over to the friendship issue also.

I guess what I am getting to is, I am not sure what your what childhood was like. I think as we grow If a person has a "Normal" (not sure what that is) childhood. A child that goes through the different growing up stages with out fear or recrimination, abuse or any of the nasty things that alot of us here have experienced. If a child does not experience these things, they probably have average or good boundries, self esteem, trust in people. They have trouble with social situations and forming relationships.

I didn't have a serious relationship until I was 23. When I was growing up I moved around to much to form friends, also I didnt know who to trust because I had been betrayed to many times. I formed a "mask" only let people hear, think and see things that I wanted them to see. BUT the "mask" only let me go so far, Yes it protected me from getting hurt further, but it didnt allow me to have true friends or relationships. I guess the thing that I gathered from my ONE relationship is that "I" wasn't the one that was ready. I thought I was at the time. I wanted someone in my life to love me, to take care of me, and I wanted someone that I could love back and take care of. As it happened I ended up doing all the loving and taking care of. Partly it was the fault of this other person. Alot of it was my fault. I have decided that I can't be in a relationship not yet, not for awhile. There are things I need to let go of and learn before I can be in a relationship. I need to let go of the past and the mask, I am slowly putting the past to rest. I need to learn to trust myself before I can trust others. I need to learn how to set boundries of safety for me so I can really let people in. I am just starting to have "real" good friends. I don"t think that we can put a time limit on this process. I know at times all of this can feel so bleak and just makes you want to give up. Living a lonely existance, put simply is no fun. There are many ocassions that I have just wanted to give up because there seems no hope, no chance of things getting any better, no chance of a good life. There are times that I thought that I didn't deserve good. That I didn't deserve LIFE.

YOU do deserve life, and happiness. I know saying and hearing that things will get better doesnt always help. but I promise you things will get better, There will be people that care for you and you care for them
ari

 

[lemonade]

I don't feel 'anti-narcissistic' precisely if that's what you mean. I would kill myself to get out of this Hellhole of a world with nothing worth living for in it.

 

[sudut]

I-am-not-here-either-sometimes!:smile:

Sometimes I look in the mirror and hate the person looking back,:sad: other times I forgive the person in the mirror and even like/love her!:smile: It depends on what I've been through and how strong I feel at the moment. In the past I hated more than loved myself, but I've been feeling increasingly better for the last several months, partly because of the members here helping me so much,:smile: and partly cause I became a first-time grandma last June and that was quite a thrill!:biggrin:

It was, on the whole, a long process. I did have some 'road to Damascus' moments that helped nudge me further toward the end of the tunnel, but mostly it took what seemed like a very long time. I had a couple good swift kicks in the 'spiritual butt' that helped move me. One, I was hired to take care of a disabled man who'd been in a wheelchair for the last fifty years.:ohmy: The love and support and caring of his devoted family and friends FOR THE LAST FIFTY YEARS made me ashamed of my self-pity, also I became very fond of him. The more I cared for him, the better I felt about myself and my situation. The other thing that helps is that every so often I start to drown in my own tears of self-pity and I take out my well-worn book: FOXE'S BOOK OF MARTYRS. To read of the torture and torment of the early, and even fairly recent, Christian martyrs, and their incredible faith, gives me a boot in the butt to kick me out of my pit of despair. (Note: I'm not preaching or declaring any superior religion - I don't do that. What works for me doesn't work for everyone and people have lots of different names for, and perceptions of, the Creator. Besides, God is too big to fit inside just one religion.)

I don't mean to be verbose, but this is a near subject to me, as I experience depression and anxiety most every day and I don't always feel good about myself. But I'm doing lots better now than I was, and any progress is good. Keep plugging away, and do what's good for your body and soul. With our support, as well as good professional help, you'll make it.

love, Sooz:hug:

good posting the least of these

 

[~CazzaAngel~]

Are you doing okay sweetie?

let me know. :hug:

 

[Luliby]

I hope you are still here with us.

I hated myself. I would hate myself so much I would wish the skin would just fall off and the blood run out like I was some kind of contaminated being. And still what few relationships i did have they would talk to me as if they couldn't see the horrible, ugliness inside. Sometimes I would be amazed that even family would not appear to know.

Our perception has a LOT to do with how we percieve ourself. Granted, when we reach out to others and get burned it hurts but how we perceive that pain and where we attribute the cause of the pain makes all the difference in the world.

Test:
Situation: You are at a party and you are talking to a nice, attractive girl. She seems very preoccupied, she keeps looking around the room. Your thinking, "oh great... I'm boring to her, she doesn't want to be with me anyway, look at her, she's trying to desperately get someone else's attention so she can escape me. I need to find a nice corner I can retreat to, maybe I should just blow this party anyway."

Same situation: You are at a party and you are talking to a nice, attractive girl. She seems very preoccupied, she keeps looking around the room. Your thinking, "I wonder what's bothering her she seems real preoccupied. Pretty rude of her to keep me hanging like this. She's definately looking for someone. Maybe I should ask if everything is ok."

Same situation, different thoughts, leading to different outcomes. Because our perception and our thoughts are so important to our self worth it is vital to speak gently to yourself. It is vital to not take it all personally and not try to find fault with yourself. People who cannot find fault with themself.. thats a whole other disorder and not our problem. People like you and me can work on this all our lives and never swing too far over the other side. Because it's hard! It goes against our very nature which is to criticise, belittle and find fault with ourselves.

Begin by being aware of your thoughts. Observe them. Sometimes they happen so fast we feel like we go straight from situation to emotional dump. But there were thoughts that took place in those briefest of moments. I'm into computers too, systems and reporting analyst. Reprogram. Observe the thoughts, do not judge them, just very gently rephrase them as you would if you were talking to someone else. LOL! We treat other people better than we do ourselves.

I continue to observe not only my thoughts, but my emotions and my urges. I accept the emotions for what they are, emotional states. They are not truth detectors or anything. Just because I feel anxiety or embarassed or ashamed doesn't make it true that I am shameful, for example. Emotions are just chemical states our bodies use to communicate our reaction to ourselves and others. And urges are often triggered by emotional states. Urges are neither good or bad, just helpful or not helpful. Thoughts are neither good or bad, just helpful or not helpful.

Behavior is the result of all that "stuff" preceding it. The result of emotions and urges and thoughts often lead us to a behavior. In the test situation above the first scenerio would leave a person feeling ashamed, embarrased, ugly, unwanted, a misfit and the likely behavior is to leave the party. In the second situation the person is concerned, maybe a little ticked off, feels compassion, and is likely to want to be of assistance. They are likely to stay at the party regardless of whether that encounter goes ok or not.

When people say the "nice" guys don't get the girl I think it has more to do with the guys who are not taking things personally, who can hop about a room going from one girl to the next and not feeling ashamed, embarrased, or uneasy about it are gettig the girls... Because the more holes you dig the more likely you'll find oil.

And even those guys go home empty handed most of the time. As a Christian I am not condoning one night stands but i think you understand what I am saying. Reprogram. Say 1 thing that you like about yourself to yourself each day. Gently bring your thoughts back to kinder phrases and do not assume or prophesy what others are thinking about you.

 

[i_am_not_here]

Are you doing okay sweetie?

let me know. :hug:

Well, no, I'm not doing OK.

Test:
Situation: You are at a party and you are talking to a nice, attractive girl. She seems very preoccupied, she keeps looking around the room. Your thinking, "oh great... I'm boring to her, she doesn't want to be with me anyway, look at her, she's trying to desperately get someone else's attention so she can escape me. I need to find a nice corner I can retreat to, maybe I should just blow this party anyway."

Same situation: You are at a party and you are talking to a nice, attractive girl. She seems very preoccupied, she keeps looking around the room. Your thinking, "I wonder what's bothering her she seems real preoccupied. Pretty rude of her to keep me hanging like this. She's definately looking for someone. Maybe I should ask if everything is ok."

Oh, I can talk to nice, attractive girls. They're only ever my "friends" though, and that's all they ever want to be. I would, just for once, like to find someone that would like to be more than just friends. I know someone's gonna say that everyone needs friends and that friends are good, and that's true, but we also need "more than friends" and that doesn't happen, has never happened and doesn't appear to ever be on the horizon. It's depressing, to say the least.

Say 1 thing that you like about yourself to yourself each day.

Thing is, I don't like myself so doing that's gonna be hard.

 

[asking_advice]

i need to like myself whether i like it or not.. life is not option... you need to live even everything getting blurred.. what ever emotion you will feel, it will pass..

 

[Nope]

I have collection of mocking words and I see them when I look mirror. I hear them when I think myself as object and I write and talk them up when needed. Good thing is that is something which I get more all the time. No money, no anything nice from life but mocking yes that never end.