I didn't post here for a long time. It's because every time i'm thinking about posting here, i find out that i would need to explain lots of stuff in long wall of text again. And since i know that talking or writing about it won't fix my life, i decide to not writing anything. I don't even know why i'm writing now. But i won't write all that needs to be written so you guys would understand me completely. And in fact, i already wrote a lot about myself in my previous topics/posts. Things are going just worse and worse for me. Still loosing more and more friends. People don't wanna go with me anywhere. I so much wanted to go to zoo with a girl i love. But that was a year ago. Because a year ago, she left and cut all contacts with me. Stopped reading her emails. But i'm still writing her on that email address, even though i know that she doesn't reading it and i'm practically writing it for myself. Before she left, she said she will go to zoo with me. You can't imagine how much i was looking forward to it. We both love animals. So when she left and last message she wrote me was that she won't go with me and that we won't see each other again, it broke me. I panicked. Couldn't even say goodbye to her. When i saw her last time, we just said "see you" to ourselves, like we would see each other again soon. But it was the last time i saw her. Don't even have her picture. I have her only in my memory. Now when i'm still writing to her, i am a bit scared that if she would ever open her email again and found how many messages i wrote her, she would be mad at me. I wouldn't handle it. She didn't love me. I was just friend to her. I wanted to wait till we are in zoo together and there i wanted to tell her that i love her. But it never came to it. So when she wrote me that she is leaving, i wrote her that i fell in love with her, that i don't want her to go. She acted like i'm crazy. Yesterday, i went to zoo alone. Who is visiting zoo alone. And i had tears in my eyes. Because i remembered her, that we could see all those beautiful animals together. See? It's already long. And it's just a small fraction of what i would need to say. Losing her is not the only problem in my life. I never was able to attract woman. I never had many friends and now number of my friends is dropping. I feel expendable. And it's hard for me to live like that. I feel like i can't go on anymore. You have no idea. I am not depressed. I'm anxious. I'm sad, because i'm alone. I don't hate myself. I have a strict opinions about world and life. You could see it in my thread called "System" for example. It's like i'm sensing the world too much. Like i'm aware of all stuff around too much. I don't know. But i am alone. Every day. Doing everything alone. And i can't handle it no more.