So I was here on SF about a year ago. I have anxiety and depression that sometimes makes me feel suicidal. I got some help. I thought I was doing better. Tried some new medications. Between some medical, social, and psychological changes I made in my life, I thought things were looking up a bit more.
But the past six months have been really hard. One of the factors that affects my anxiety and depression is infertility. My husband and I have been married for 10.5 years and trying to get pregnant for just over 2.5 years now. We started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor) in January. We've had two "successful" cycles of treatment since then. By successful, I mean that we got pregnant. But neither cycle has gotten past the first trimester. One ended in a very early miscarriage in March. I thought that was devastating. It was nothing compared to the last week of my life.
We found out we were pregnant again a few weeks ago. We were so excited. The blood work all came back much better than the last pregnancy we lost and things were looking up. I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that we might actually get to be parents. I would actually get to be a mom - something I've dreamed of being for a very long time. I even took my first baby bump picture on Monday morning. I reached a milestone that day.
Just a few hours after taking that picture, I had severe abdominal pain at work. I managed to drive myself to the hospital. Long story short, a few hours later, after an ultrasound that showed an empty uterus, we learned the pregnancy was ectopic and lodged in my ovary...a very unhealthy place to be. Luckily, I was early enough along that they could treat this with medication, and because of the placement of the implanted fetus, it was likely I would not need surgery and/or lose my fallopian tube or my ovary. Of course, this was all if the medication worked.
The medication itself was awful. I learned this week that they actually give you a small dose of chemotherapy medication to treat an ectopic pregnancy. It kills all rapidly developing/dividing cells in your body....When you think of it that way, it makes sense to treat an unhealthy pregnancy with chemo.
The pain and nausea throughout the week were debilitating. I was physically exhausted, let alone experiencing the mental and emotional the pain of losing yet another much-desired pregnancy. I tried to stay positive. I tried very hard. The treatment seems to be working as my continued blood work monitoring the situation this week is moving in the right direction. It could take weeks or months to get through this, but things seem to at least be healing properly. It looks like I will not have to have surgery or lose one of my tubes.
But that hasn't been enough to keep me away from depression and suicidal thoughts.
We've worked so hard just to become pregnant. And then to lose another one like this? With chemotherapy drugs and having to wait weeks for the ectopic pregnancy to "clear out" of my system. It's been hell.
When I started googling suicidal topics this evening, I knew I needed to talk to someone. I don't have a therapist or counselor right now. I don't have anyone to talk to. I just know that I feel empty and broken and worthless and I'm in so much pain, physically and mentally.
I feel so hopeless again. And please don't tell me that we can just "try again" to get pregnant. I've heard that so many times. It's not that simple when you already struggle with infertility. This kind of loss plus infertility is not something you can just "try again." It's not that simple. It will take months to heal and then we have to start another treatment, which by the way, is expensive, painful (mentally and physically), and sometimes humiliating.
Just one week ago, I had so much hope. Now my dreams are shattered again and it feels like there's no way out this time.
But the past six months have been really hard. One of the factors that affects my anxiety and depression is infertility. My husband and I have been married for 10.5 years and trying to get pregnant for just over 2.5 years now. We started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor) in January. We've had two "successful" cycles of treatment since then. By successful, I mean that we got pregnant. But neither cycle has gotten past the first trimester. One ended in a very early miscarriage in March. I thought that was devastating. It was nothing compared to the last week of my life.
We found out we were pregnant again a few weeks ago. We were so excited. The blood work all came back much better than the last pregnancy we lost and things were looking up. I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that we might actually get to be parents. I would actually get to be a mom - something I've dreamed of being for a very long time. I even took my first baby bump picture on Monday morning. I reached a milestone that day.
Just a few hours after taking that picture, I had severe abdominal pain at work. I managed to drive myself to the hospital. Long story short, a few hours later, after an ultrasound that showed an empty uterus, we learned the pregnancy was ectopic and lodged in my ovary...a very unhealthy place to be. Luckily, I was early enough along that they could treat this with medication, and because of the placement of the implanted fetus, it was likely I would not need surgery and/or lose my fallopian tube or my ovary. Of course, this was all if the medication worked.
The medication itself was awful. I learned this week that they actually give you a small dose of chemotherapy medication to treat an ectopic pregnancy. It kills all rapidly developing/dividing cells in your body....When you think of it that way, it makes sense to treat an unhealthy pregnancy with chemo.
The pain and nausea throughout the week were debilitating. I was physically exhausted, let alone experiencing the mental and emotional the pain of losing yet another much-desired pregnancy. I tried to stay positive. I tried very hard. The treatment seems to be working as my continued blood work monitoring the situation this week is moving in the right direction. It could take weeks or months to get through this, but things seem to at least be healing properly. It looks like I will not have to have surgery or lose one of my tubes.
But that hasn't been enough to keep me away from depression and suicidal thoughts.
We've worked so hard just to become pregnant. And then to lose another one like this? With chemotherapy drugs and having to wait weeks for the ectopic pregnancy to "clear out" of my system. It's been hell.
When I started googling suicidal topics this evening, I knew I needed to talk to someone. I don't have a therapist or counselor right now. I don't have anyone to talk to. I just know that I feel empty and broken and worthless and I'm in so much pain, physically and mentally.
I feel so hopeless again. And please don't tell me that we can just "try again" to get pregnant. I've heard that so many times. It's not that simple when you already struggle with infertility. This kind of loss plus infertility is not something you can just "try again." It's not that simple. It will take months to heal and then we have to start another treatment, which by the way, is expensive, painful (mentally and physically), and sometimes humiliating.
Just one week ago, I had so much hope. Now my dreams are shattered again and it feels like there's no way out this time.
