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I'm back....and need someone to talk to

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#1
So I was here on SF about a year ago. I have anxiety and depression that sometimes makes me feel suicidal. I got some help. I thought I was doing better. Tried some new medications. Between some medical, social, and psychological changes I made in my life, I thought things were looking up a bit more.

But the past six months have been really hard. One of the factors that affects my anxiety and depression is infertility. My husband and I have been married for 10.5 years and trying to get pregnant for just over 2.5 years now. We started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor) in January. We've had two "successful" cycles of treatment since then. By successful, I mean that we got pregnant. But neither cycle has gotten past the first trimester. One ended in a very early miscarriage in March. I thought that was devastating. It was nothing compared to the last week of my life.

We found out we were pregnant again a few weeks ago. We were so excited. The blood work all came back much better than the last pregnancy we lost and things were looking up. I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that we might actually get to be parents. I would actually get to be a mom - something I've dreamed of being for a very long time. I even took my first baby bump picture on Monday morning. I reached a milestone that day.

Just a few hours after taking that picture, I had severe abdominal pain at work. I managed to drive myself to the hospital. Long story short, a few hours later, after an ultrasound that showed an empty uterus, we learned the pregnancy was ectopic and lodged in my ovary...a very unhealthy place to be. Luckily, I was early enough along that they could treat this with medication, and because of the placement of the implanted fetus, it was likely I would not need surgery and/or lose my fallopian tube or my ovary. Of course, this was all if the medication worked.

The medication itself was awful. I learned this week that they actually give you a small dose of chemotherapy medication to treat an ectopic pregnancy. It kills all rapidly developing/dividing cells in your body....When you think of it that way, it makes sense to treat an unhealthy pregnancy with chemo.

The pain and nausea throughout the week were debilitating. I was physically exhausted, let alone experiencing the mental and emotional the pain of losing yet another much-desired pregnancy. I tried to stay positive. I tried very hard. The treatment seems to be working as my continued blood work monitoring the situation this week is moving in the right direction. It could take weeks or months to get through this, but things seem to at least be healing properly. It looks like I will not have to have surgery or lose one of my tubes.

But that hasn't been enough to keep me away from depression and suicidal thoughts.

We've worked so hard just to become pregnant. And then to lose another one like this? With chemotherapy drugs and having to wait weeks for the ectopic pregnancy to "clear out" of my system. It's been hell.

When I started googling suicidal topics this evening, I knew I needed to talk to someone. I don't have a therapist or counselor right now. I don't have anyone to talk to. I just know that I feel empty and broken and worthless and I'm in so much pain, physically and mentally.

I feel so hopeless again. And please don't tell me that we can just "try again" to get pregnant. I've heard that so many times. It's not that simple when you already struggle with infertility. This kind of loss plus infertility is not something you can just "try again." It's not that simple. It will take months to heal and then we have to start another treatment, which by the way, is expensive, painful (mentally and physically), and sometimes humiliating.

Just one week ago, I had so much hope. Now my dreams are shattered again and it feels like there's no way out this time.
 
#2
So I was here on SF about a year ago. I have anxiety and depression that sometimes makes me feel suicidal. I got some help. I thought I was doing better. Tried some new medications. Between some medical, social, and psychological changes I made in my life, I thought things were looking up a bit more.

But the past six months have been really hard. One of the factors that affects my anxiety and depression is infertility. My husband and I have been married for 10.5 years and trying to get pregnant for just over 2.5 years now. We started seeing a reproductive endocrinologist (fertility doctor) in January. We've had two "successful" cycles of treatment since then. By successful, I mean that we got pregnant. But neither cycle has gotten past the first trimester. One ended in a very early miscarriage in March. I thought that was devastating. It was nothing compared to the last week of my life.

We found out we were pregnant again a few weeks ago. We were so excited. The blood work all came back much better than the last pregnancy we lost and things were looking up. I was starting to get comfortable with the idea that we might actually get to be parents. I would actually get to be a mom - something I've dreamed of being for a very long time. I even took my first baby bump picture on Monday morning. I reached a milestone that day.

Just a few hours after taking that picture, I had severe abdominal pain at work. I managed to drive myself to the hospital. Long story short, a few hours later, after an ultrasound that showed an empty uterus, we learned the pregnancy was ectopic and lodged in my ovary...a very unhealthy place to be. Luckily, I was early enough along that they could treat this with medication, and because of the placement of the implanted fetus, it was likely I would not need surgery and/or lose my fallopian tube or my ovary. Of course, this was all if the medication worked.

The medication itself was awful. I learned this week that they actually give you a small dose of chemotherapy medication to treat an ectopic pregnancy. It kills all rapidly developing/dividing cells in your body....When you think of it that way, it makes sense to treat an unhealthy pregnancy with chemo.

The pain and nausea throughout the week were debilitating. I was physically exhausted, let alone experiencing the mental and emotional the pain of losing yet another much-desired pregnancy. I tried to stay positive. I tried very hard. The treatment seems to be working as my continued blood work monitoring the situation this week is moving in the right direction. It could take weeks or months to get through this, but things seem to at least be healing properly. It looks like I will not have to have surgery or lose one of my tubes.

But that hasn't been enough to keep me away from depression and suicidal thoughts.

We've worked so hard just to become pregnant. And then to lose another one like this? With chemotherapy drugs and having to wait weeks for the ectopic pregnancy to "clear out" of my system. It's been hell.

When I started googling suicidal topics this evening, I knew I needed to talk to someone. I don't have a therapist or counselor right now. I don't have anyone to talk to. I just know that I feel empty and broken and worthless and I'm in so much pain, physically and mentally.

I feel so hopeless again. And please don't tell me that we can just "try again" to get pregnant. I've heard that so many times. It's not that simple when you already struggle with infertility. This kind of loss plus infertility is not something you can just "try again." It's not that simple. It will take months to heal and then we have to start another treatment, which by the way, is expensive, painful (mentally and physically), and sometimes humiliating.

Just one week ago, I had so much hope. Now my dreams are shattered again and it feels like there's no way out this time.
Its going to take you a long while to grieve for the loss of this pregnancy and all the dreams in your heart attached to it...the future baby and life you saw as parents and of being a mom.

Give yourself a break....let your body heal..let the pain subside physically and mentally...look after yourself....and without making light of how you feel down the line you may well get your dream.

You hopefully have not lost one of your fallopian tubes so there is still a chance one day you will be successful. Right now grieve as much as you need..dont put a time limit on your mind coming to terms with your loss.

Maybe you could have some bereavement therapy to get all these painful emotions out. Dont give up....a few years down the line while you will never forget this tough time life might be completely different.

may i add i have a long term chronic illness that means i am house bound and mostly bedbound in severe pain 24/7..i dont say this for sympathy at all or to compare...but i have no hope of any future and am only middle aged .....you do have hope...so please hang on to hope.
 

sassy123

SF hugger
Staff member
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hi last May I had a miscarriage after IVF also actually mine was a missed miscarriage and I actually started telling people after my baby was already dead and I didn't know to this day I can't stop the tears from flowing when I talk or think about it as they flow I know this wound will never completely heal. I remember afterwards all I wanted to do was die all my dreams were gone. The one thing I wanted from life was no more.

I read your words and I feel your pain this is one of the worst things a woman can go through the loss of a dream a wish life does feel so hopeless I just can't stop thinking now of how much I still want my baby.

The pain of your loses are so hard. It's hard to go through this pain once let alone multiple times I was 3 months pregnant when I found out my baby was lost it's hard because you really don't get grieving time after a miscarriage you just are expected to get on with your life but it still was a child lost that you never got to hold and bond with. Life moves on I am here to say you can loose that dream and be okay I have had many people ask me about adopting. I just don't know if I am in a position or ready for that step. I know it's an option for people in our position but that's a choice I don't think you should make right now because if you're like me you don't like that question. Please take the time to heal before you decide anything take the time to live life without worrying about getting pregnant or having a child because your pain is so strong right now you need to make sure you take time to emotionally heal those wounds can be so strong. You need to take one day at a time and heal all those wounds even though they will probably never be fully healed you can learn to live with that loss. Hugs I am wishing you healing thoughts please be gentle with yourself and know we are here for you
 

nobodyknows71

For a Phoenix to rise, it must first burn.
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#4
Hi, I think what you need to do here is get some counselling. You need time to grieve for this baby. Can you see if there is counselling specifically for people in your situation?
I hope you and your husband can support each other through this horrible time. Lean on each other and take care of each other.

Keep talking here too!
 
#5
Yo, maybe it would be best to hold off it for awhile like other folks are sayin give yourself a break. I'm sorry things are like this regardless. Hit me up if ya need anythin and welcome back to the forum.
 
#6
Its going to take you a long while to grieve for the loss of this pregnancy and all the dreams in your heart attached to it...the future baby and life you saw as parents and of being a mom.

Give yourself a break....let your body heal..let the pain subside physically and mentally...look after yourself....and without making light of how you feel down the line you may well get your dream.

You hopefully have not lost one of your fallopian tubes so there is still a chance one day you will be successful. Right now grieve as much as you need..dont put a time limit on your mind coming to terms with your loss.

Maybe you could have some bereavement therapy to get all these painful emotions out. Dont give up....a few years down the line while you will never forget this tough time life might be completely different.

may i add i have a long term chronic illness that means i am house bound and mostly bedbound in severe pain 24/7..i dont say this for sympathy at all or to compare...but i have no hope of any future and am only middle aged .....you do have hope...so please hang on to hope.
Thanks for your kind words. I'm sorry you are suffering from a chronic illness. I have one of those of my own, but it does not confine me to my bed. I am trying to have hope. This week has just been very hard and thrown me back to a place I thought I had moved on from in my mind. I guess we never really move on from that kind of pain completely.
 
#7
Hi last May I had a miscarriage after IVF also actually mine was a missed miscarriage and I actually started telling people after my baby was already dead and I didn't know to this day I can't stop the tears from flowing when I talk or think about it as they flow I know this wound will never completely heal. I remember afterwards all I wanted to do was die all my dreams were gone. The one thing I wanted from life was no more.

I read your words and I feel your pain this is one of the worst things a woman can go through the loss of a dream a wish life does feel so hopeless I just can't stop thinking now of how much I still want my baby.

The pain of your loses are so hard. It's hard to go through this pain once let alone multiple times I was 3 months pregnant when I found out my baby was lost it's hard because you really don't get grieving time after a miscarriage you just are expected to get on with your life but it still was a child lost that you never got to hold and bond with. Life moves on I am here to say you can loose that dream and be okay I have had many people ask me about adopting. I just don't know if I am in a position or ready for that step. I know it's an option for people in our position but that's a choice I don't think you should make right now because if you're like me you don't like that question. Please take the time to heal before you decide anything take the time to live life without worrying about getting pregnant or having a child because your pain is so strong right now you need to make sure you take time to emotionally heal those wounds can be so strong. You need to take one day at a time and heal all those wounds even though they will probably never be fully healed you can learn to live with that loss. Hugs I am wishing you healing thoughts please be gentle with yourself and know we are here for you
Thank you so much for this. I'm sorry for your loss, too. You put into words how I feel. My boss somehow just expected me to be right back at work and ok the very next day. She was shocked when I told her it could take weeks for me to be 100% (possibly months). I am back at work, but my heart and mind are still grieving and no one really knows it because it wasn't a visible loss. Thanks for understanding.
 
#8
Hi, I think what you need to do here is get some counselling. You need time to grieve for this baby. Can you see if there is counselling specifically for people in your situation?
I hope you and your husband can support each other through this horrible time. Lean on each other and take care of each other.

Keep talking here too!
Thank you. I am working on finding a new counselor. I am no longer seeing the last one I had, for several reasons. So I'm researching and trying to find a new one. Thanks for the support. :)
 
#9
Yo, maybe it would be best to hold off it for awhile like other folks are sayin give yourself a break. I'm sorry things are like this regardless. Hit me up if ya need anythin and welcome back to the forum.
Thank you. We will be taking a break from trying for a while. My body has to heal, but so do my heart and mind. Don't know when we will start again, which is part of the reason I'm sad. But for now, I'm mostly trying to handle the loss. Thank you.
 
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