Im going crazy..Ive been hurt badly..:revenge:

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Anny44

Well-Known Member
#21
I dont like the person Ive become in relation to this...

I want to just think its deserved but I was soo sick of hearing, Im not this person...
and hearing more and more of the truth because I pried...
Ive become a hurtful person...
I felt soo humiliated...
I became a screaming violent mess..
I scare me...
and normally I walk away from all these things...
I dont know how to forgive myself...
I dont know what to say or do...
 

Anny44

Well-Known Member
#22
I hate myself for trusting in someone, I hate all the time devoted because I thought someone was soo honest...

Ive become a horrible reckless person...
 

Anny44

Well-Known Member
#24
I hate myself for trusting in someone, I hate all the time devoted because I thought someone was soo honest...

Ive become a horrible reckless person...

I hate what Ive become...

Dtc, I dont know how to forgive at this point...
 
#26
The five stages of grief, denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.

I think we are seeing two of those here. We have seen a couple others earlier.

Guess what, @Anny44 ? You're a normal human! Your friends are here for you. Hugs
 

Anny44

Well-Known Member
#27
Thank you, a guy wf, its actually reassuring to hear that...
Ive been bouncing between saddness, betrayal, trying to see it his way not wanting to accept, rage, cycling over and over...but, it exhausting..I cant seem to stop...I want to.
Yeah, Im all over the board...
Im paralyzed half the time...
And its intense feelings....Very.*

I think of asking him to stay away from my seasonal job I do because I dont want that trigger around me.
I got him the job last year...
but Im pretty much over the job...and here come the emotions...
concern over him that I should just leave since Im pretty much over it...and I got him the job because I thought it would be good for him...
I worry about him if he doesnt have it...I thought it good for him because he really needed some good friends...
Im over it for the most part but am now feeling territorial because Ive invested alot there...and dont want him anywhere in my territory...

Then I get thoroughly creeped out by his switches in explanations...
One second he tries to tell me, when I scolded him for acting jealous and possessive, he claims he wasnt at first, then admits it, then says it was because of a past gf and the circumstances being similar, I was drunk and talking with a friend I didnt see was hitting on me...
But then there he is making everything awkward and he's sitting there with the chick he slept with...
and then I feel rage...
but then he tells me the whole story and how his ex was hanging with some dude at a party...they were talking and she wanted to stay..he had to pick her up later...she had slept with him..
So I think I get it for a second bit then realize he was doing just that...rage again..

Yet, this other chick is like that even in an intimate relationship...how can he judge her???


He tried for a second to say he was concerned about me...and that is why....I told him to cut his shit out...he was more concerned about himself...

I finally get him to say he had a crush on her and wanted to fuck her...
but he says its just friends...

THAT by definition is not just friends!!
He then says it is...
and I tell him thats semantics...
That it is not to me...
But he feels soo much for me in comparison...Hes in love with me..!
And although we are not by any means an item I was really looking towards that..

Call me an idiot but when someone says he had these two other experiences and they where awkward and shallow in comparison to me (fuck I hate that word comparison) and I think wow, this guy is really honest...
and he carries on...
How into me is he, really?? And its someone I know, and a lot of my friends know....
and I hear, but it was Just Once!! I realized I didnt like her...that he felt weird after...its all about you...

WTF-??!!!
And writes him online after he's an ass and says Shes just using you...blah blah blah...
Then she writes me saying she just used him...she doesnt cry about old flings, shes a different person now and how her son and her new relationship are going...

WTF-??!!

And yet how can he judge her??!!!

He tells her to fuck off basically showing up at his door with her because hes threatening suicide...

and later tells us both he loves us but he loves me more when we go to leave??!!

Holy Shite, how the fuck did I get here?!!!

The emotional appeals are really draining...and its all about his delicate persona...

He says hes been talking about this for 2 weeks...doesnt that show he cares??

Yet for two weeks I had to get past the bs lies to get to the truth. Finally got to it...
Let him show he's more trustworthy in the future...all he wanted was that honesty...!!
He brings up a dude I not even really dated at the ver beginning...how I didnt tell him...trying to show me it was the same...I felt it was not. It was at the beginning and I didnt report to him how it was soo hollow...and then continue on behind his back...
Is that the same thing???!!
And, another loop...
 
#28
Anny, I was all over the board with Stacey too. I rationalized and justified her thoughts and actions. I got angry as hell at her. I tried to just at least be friends with her. I begged for a second chance. I cried, I meticulously planned my suicide (6 pages plus maps and budget!).

And suddenly, last week... She wasn't my first thought in the morning! I forgot to check her Facebook. I didn't beg God to make her contact me! What's this?? I'm... I'm like OVER it?? And I'm still alive?? And - HOLY CRAP! - I'm talking to a lady and smiling and liking talking to HER, as opposed to crying about -ummm what was her name again?

Such a range of emotions. Such a waste of energy! But today, life goes on! My trust and my confidence have been bruised pretty badly but I'm alive again!

I see it happening for you. You're getting close to that corner and you are going to make the turn and the sky is going to be blue. The air is going to be clean. You're going to live again!

Yay you!!
 

Anny44

Well-Known Member
#29
Thank you for sharing your story with me...it helps a lot...
I feel like Im having a panic attack constantly...and am seriously questioning my sanity...
It is insane...
I just want to chill out...
I almost feel like checking myself into a hospital for mental exhaustion...
its taken up every minute of my day...
everything has fallen away..,
It gives me hope....
I feel sick half the time when I felt as though I was getting to a good place...after my 10 year breakup happened...
Then this...it feels like a parasite to me...
Some unexplainable something...
thank you..*
For sharing your life with me...
 

Anny44

Well-Known Member
#31
Hugs*

Holy shit, does everyone have this intense of emotions??Ha!
I have transient states where I feel separated from myself...like feeling two things at once and I think,"whats the big deal??" in the separated portion..
and then Im slammed back down in reality...
I need to make a list...to go over one by one to do to stay focused on self care..
Imagining south carolina seems beautiful to me, where youre at...
Is it the city or country..
I saw the country once that way driving...and exploring...
its calming to visualize again.
Gracias hon.
Big hugs
 
#33
Hugs*

Holy shit, does everyone have this intense of emotions??Ha!
I have transient states where I feel separated from myself...like feeling two things at once and I think,"whats the big deal??" in the separated portion..
and then Im slammed back down in reality...
I need to make a list...to go over one by one to do to stay focused on self care..
Imagining south carolina seems beautiful to me, where youre at...
Is it the city or country..
I saw the country once that way driving...and exploring...
its calming to visualize again.
Gracias hon.
Big hugs
I live in the country on a hundred acre farm. If I could figure out how I would send pics. Imagine a small house, rustic, not much bigger than a cabin nestled into the edge of the woods. An acre pond 40 steps down the hill from the house. Just below the rapids of a smaller river 200 yards behind me. Across the pond, cows grazing in the upper pasture. Half mile back from the road you can only hear an occasional truck pass. That's my world.

I think a lot of us have really intense emotions. That's what brought us here to begin with. And I totally get the two states of being! One where you want to be dancing behind your eyes, the other where we really are. Often hard to deal with.
 
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