I'm Not Doing Well

[I Love Tomorrow]

I'm not doing well at the moment. I'd like to talk a bit about it if I could. I made the mistake last night of going towards the vices smoking/drinking and watched a sad tv show which made it worse. I called in to work because I know it would have been worse, but now I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

In my experience I've come to get into a routine of at least giving myself some time before I act on something which helps temporarily.

 

[may71]

Sorry that this is happening.

I'd like to talk a bit about it if I could.

Yes, you're welcome to say more if you'd like.

 

[I Love Tomorrow]

Being in a situation you don't like and either not knowing how to change it, or not being able to is brutal and wears someone down over time, and I think that's what happening with me again. It's extremely frustrating because all progress that was seemingly gained vanishes when you find yourself in crisis mode again like I did this morning. Although I haven't been here in a long time, I find myself here once again.

What's bothering me now is the same loneliness, not being able to be social or blowing it somehow when I am, because I deal with mentally debilitating things that others don't. It's being in a vicious, repeating cycle that one can't find their way out of. My sisters happy vacation pics with her boyfriend reminded me also of how lonely I am myself.

I've been here many times before, and today I was feeling overwhelmed with this. I think I need to talk to my doctor about depression meds again, after not being on them for a long time. I didn't want to go that route because it felt good not being on them, but I feel pretty bad right now. I bought myself some time but it will come back. In life you just feel like you want to progress, not fall back again. I know what the suicide route is, I'm aware when I'm close to it like I am now. I want to keep punching though, I don't want to go that way but I'm so tired. I just wanted someone to talk to but I know I need other solutions too

 

[BarryW]

@I Love Tomorrow , I experience some of the same cycles you mentioned.

• Thoughts that are getting too dangerous -> Find some way to stop them for now -> repeat
• Try to be social -> Give up on being social -> repeat
• Look for meaning in life -> Give up finding any -> repeat
• Try to change things you hate about the world -> Feel crushed under the powers that be and give up -> repeat
• And about 20 other cycles.

This makes me feel very tired, like you mentioned.

 

[may71]

Being in a situation you don't like and either not knowing how to change it, or not being able to is brutal and wears someone down over time

That's true.

My sisters happy vacation pics with her boyfriend reminded me also of how lonely I am myself.

I think it's easy to get an exaggerated impression of someone else's happiness based on pictures, because typically the pictures are intended to create that impression. Part of the reason may be that people think that's what others want to see, and part may be because people get a sense of validation from others regarding them with envy or admiration. No one is going to show you vacation photos of when they were mugged or ripped off, or having painful diarrhea, or the rough flight they had, but those are things that not uncommonly happen on vacation.

I think I need to talk to my doctor about depression meds again

If you're feeling suicidal and there's a med that's worked for you in the past, going back on at least for a while sounds like a good idea.

 

[AvidFan]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much and wish I knew what to suggest. If going back on the meds can help then it seems an appropriate course of action, and I hope you can get this sorted quickly with the doctor.

 

[I Love Tomorrow]

I made an appt with my doctor on wed to try and get on some medication again. I also was able to talk to my sister who is my support system on the phone today. Feeling like this is just horrible, but I have experience with this from the past which at least helps me to be aware when it's happening or tell me what not to do, which is keep it all inside or go directly to acting on self harm thoughts. Tobacco/alcohol and other vices don't help either even if they sometimes do temporarily, so I'm going to do my best to refrain from them at least for now.

I think making a list of the positive might also help to give me a visual reminder that all is not lost or bad. Like many I just wish I wasn't here again after so much work, time and suffering not to be. It's very scary and tiring

 

[may71]

I made an appt with my doctor on wed to try and get on some medication again.

That's good

I also was able to talk to my sister who is my support system on the phone today.

I'm glad you've got a sister who supports you.

Sending hugs

 

[BarryW]

I think you have the right approach -- I agree that keeping it all inside is not a long-term strategy that actually works.
Making a list of the positives as you say could help. There's always something positive, though sometimes I am in a mood where I don't want to admit it, because it's easier to say everything is ruined.
Keep us posted how the Dr appt goes Wednesday.

 

[Astrid78]

not being able to be social or blowing it somehow when I am,

you aren't alone here, just wanted to let you know that

 

[nicktheundoer]

I'm not doing well at the moment. I'd like to talk a bit about it if I could. I made the mistake last night of going towards the vices smoking/drinking and watched a sad tv show which made it worse. I called in to work because I know it would have been worse, but now I don't want to be alone with my thoughts.

In my experience I've come to get into a routine of at least giving myself some time before I act on something which helps temporarily.

Hugs 🫂 I hope things get better for you..sending love..

 

[Andrew J]

Being in a situation you don't like and either not knowing how to change it, or not being able to is brutal and wears someone down over time, and I think that's what happening with me again. It's extremely frustrating because all progress that was seemingly gained vanishes when you find yourself in crisis mode again like I did this morning. Although I haven't been here in a long time, I find myself here once again.

I experience these type of things a lot in life and they are they give me the worst type of feelings. Nothing worse than wanting things to change but change seeming to be almost impossible and I think a large part of the world just feels like you gotta suck it up and deal with it. Just gotta try to stay positive and do what we can. It'd be nice if we lived in a world where we all win and all got wanted we wanted. All the best to everyone.

 

[I Love Tomorrow]

Thanks for the replies everyone. My doctor prescribed some meds again for me so hopefully they'll work like they have in the past. I'm feeling better at the moment.

For me, it's hard not to keep looking at the end of one's life to be the goal, especially in moments of pain. But what I did this week is actually write down and remind myself that the true goal is not death, but to take things as far as I can as long as it's still a choice. That's what helps me to get through those toughest moments, when it just seems like it's always going to be like that and there's nothing you can do.

I said before that it's frustrating feeling so low again after not for awhile, because you just feel like all progress was lost and that you're never going to beat this. But the reality as I'm finding out is that just isn't true. It's real that in those worst moments you feel like there's been no progress because you're in a bad place you were once in, but the outcome shows something otherwise. It shows me that yes I've been here before, and may even be here again but I face it slightly different every time I do, it's not exactly the same as the last. I learn something about myself every time it happens and more importantly, how to face it in a better way shall it happen again and it probably will, because life in many ways is a constant source of problems. It won't necessarily save me, but at least it's something to hope for every time it happens now that I'm aware

 

[I Love Tomorrow]

This was a bad week.

I can't handle the thought that life is just random, because if it is than it's completely meaningless. But that's all I see, that's all my logic and honesty keep pointing at, again and again. Everything I was, am, and ever will do was completely meaningless. And especially if life sucks, than why be alive, why does it matter?

I grew up religious, so for a long time I thought whatever was in my life was 'meant to be', whether it was good or bad. I can appreciate that some people are religious, but I am not interested in any religion that has been presented to me, especially the one I was because I'm familiar with what I don't like about it the most. I just can't handle the thought that the important stuff, like people, my parents, those I've come into contact with, my seemingly life changing experiences, has all been nothing more than a big accident. All I see is an ugly world full of pain and suffering for potentially no reason, or those who can somehow get by on blissful ignorance. I just see that hope is an illusion. I see nothing more than survival of the fittest and natural selection.

Look, I have tried for a long time and really, really want to believe in something other than what I see, but if I want to keep any ounce of honesty I have to say life is just something I don't want. I do not want to have that outlook or be negative all the time. Do you know how disheartening it is to go through several major attempts, scratching and clawing, going over every possible way from different perspectives and keep coming up with the same conclusion? That life is not, clearly for many not worth living? Over and over, no matter what you do

I see the next step for me is pulling away from posting here, because I don't want to spread my ugliness to anyone else. When I get dark, I get pitch black, I can't help it but it's no one else's fault either. I know I'll have the courage to attempt again, this time with my deadliest method yet.

Does anyone have some advice on this 'life is just random' feeling, does anyone relate or have something to offer?

 

[Gonz]

I see the next step for me is pulling away from posting here, because I don't want to spread my ugliness to anyone else. When I get dark, I get pitch black, I can't help it but it's no one else's fault either.

No.

If you think coming here is harming or holding you back in some way, then that’s a different story. But you won’t be doing any of us any favors by pulling away.

You’re talking to a bunch of people who willingly hang out at a place called Suicide Forum. If there’s anyone out there who can handle some darkness, it’s the people here.

I get the urge to self-isolate when things get rough, and I have to constantly remind myself that I have bad instincts and should not follow them. I think it may be the same for you.

I grew up religious, so for a long time I thought whatever was in my life was 'meant to be', whether it was good or bad. I can appreciate that some people are religious, but I am not interested in any religion that has been presented to me, especially the one I was because I'm familiar with what I don't like about it the most. I just can't handle the thought that the important stuff, like people, my parents, those I've come into contact with, my seemingly life changing experiences, has all been nothing more than a big accident. All I see is an ugly world full of pain and suffering for potentially no reason, or those who can somehow get by on blissful ignorance. I just see that hope is an illusion. I see nothing more than survival of the fittest and natural selection.

Look, I have tried for a long time and really, really want to believe in something other than what I see, but if I want to keep any ounce of honesty I have to say life is just something I don't want. I do not want to have that outlook or be negative all the time. Do you know how disheartening it is to go through several major attempts, scratching and clawing, going over every possible way from different perspectives and keep coming up with the same conclusion? That life is not, clearly for many not worth living? Over and over, no matter what you do

I really relate to this. I also grew up religious, and walked away from it. And while I don’t believe in any of it anymore, the religious mindset is too ingrained in me. Thinking that there was a reason for suffering, and a reward for enduring it, made it all a lot more bearable. I may have let go of the idea that I could find that meaning in religion, but my mind holds firmly onto the idea that there is supposed to be one and that we are supposed to find it and that, I think, is a source of distress.

 

[may71]

I see the next step for me is pulling away from posting here, because I don't want to spread my ugliness to anyone else.

You’re talking to a bunch of people who willingly hang out at a place called Suicide Forum. If there’s anyone out there who can handle some darkness, it’s the people here.

I'm with Gonz on this. Talking about stuff like this is what SF is for. Anyone who would feel dragged down by what you say wouldn't visit here in the first place. No one is forced to read or reply to your posts, so there's no problem posting here.

Does anyone have some advice on this 'life is just random' feeling

So if you encountered something that made you feel like there was something mysterious or extraordinary about life, do you feel like things would be better?

 

[Windhover]

There's no spreading of ugliness at all. There is an openess snd asking for help, comraderie, support. All of that requires time and effort for you and us too, to post here, and read, and respond. We are more than willing to listen and respond and bounce deas around. If anythibg @I Love Tomorrow you're making spreading love more possible by being open and posting here.

I grew up religious too. When I realzed that my mind and perception was more attuned to science oriented interests, I felt my emotions were no longer as ordered or constrained as when I wad young.

this is both positive and yet de-stabilizing. For me, I feel like I vacillate between creativity with all this, and intesnse anxiety and depression at times. I hope you are alright.

hugs

 

[BarryW]

I have to say life is just something I don't want. I do not want to have that outlook or be negative all the time. Do you know how disheartening it is to go through several major attempts, scratching and clawing, going over every possible way from different perspectives and keep coming up with the same conclusion? That life is not, clearly for many not worth living?

When I think about it, most of the time I feel that my life is something I didn't ask for and I don't want, like you said. Despite going in circles thousands of times and spending years looking for maybe some reason to want to be alive. You are not the only one that feels this way.

I too wonder if my search for meaning/purpose in life is related to the lies I was told as a child. Raised differently, perhaps I would have found different purposes or not felt that any purpose was even required. But I can't change my childhood, so there's not much else to think that topic.

As someone who likes to solve the root of a problem, at first I thought I needed to just 'think through' my feelings and 'figure out' the answer. However, over the years, I've found that the more I think about how I feel about life, the more suicidal I feel. And all that thinking never gave me an answer. It seems counter-intuitive, but at some point I gave up on thinking through it, and went with a strategy suggested by someone on SF: distract. Just do something else, just think about anything else. It took practice but I think I got pretty good at it. There should be a bunch of threads on SF (or elsewhere) about recognizing negative thought spirals and jumping to another train of thought.

When I had a specific location and method in mind to kill myself, and kept fantasizing about doing it, I instead moved far away and made many life changes.

I have to try to keep productive or at least distract pretty much daily.. it can be tough.

 

[I Love Tomorrow]

Thank you for the replies and support that it's ok to post dark feelings on SF. It helps my outlook to hear caring messages.

It sounds like I am not alone in the religious mindset upbringing and comforting to know I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

So if you encountered something that made you feel like there was something mysterious or extraordinary about life, do you feel like things would be better?

Yes I would. I think it would validate or give proof that my existence has meaning. I've felt I had these things earlier in my life, and that at some point life just said "You're not important enough anymore, you're on your own. You can fade away now." Am I wrong to think that, or what do you think? It's easy as a (religious)kid to think you're the center of the universe, and now I don't have the need to be the center but I would at least like to know I'm a part of it, even a small one.

is related to the lies I was told as a child

And there was a lot of lies, wasn't there? I'm not trying to be cynical, but when I think back as an adult of how much of what I was told as a kid was just simply not true, or even the complete opposite, it was many things and damage really that I've had to undo from my mind. I understand now why some of the adults did what they did I think, but it still doesn't help.

What you and others said BarryW sounds like it makes sense, that maybe no purpose is needed. Over thinking things that never seem to have an answer does lead to more distress and self harm thought, so I will try more distraction. The only thing I don't like about that is I can't help feeling like I'm just ignoring certain problems, problems that will get worse. And even if those problems are not solvable, I just can't help thinking about them. It's like being on a boat that has a leak in it; we'll ignore the leak, and go clean something for awhile to not think about it, even though it's slowly sinking. What else can you do though?.. I'm not sure.

Well, for now tomorrow is another day. I was hoping the meds I'm now taking would help a bit more, but I'm not sure if they are doing anything. I really appreciate the support here. I'm aware you have heavy things to deal with in your lives also

 

[BarryW]

when I think back as an adult of how much of what I was told as a kid was just simply not true, or even the complete opposite, it was many things and damage really that I've had to undo from my mind.

All the lies really destroyed my trust in people in general (on top of the other problems they caused). I won't forgive them. I hope you are able to repair most of the damage.

It's like being on a boat that has a leak in it; we'll ignore the leak

I increasingly feel that being illogical is a requirement for living. I can't argue with the results so far in my case..

Keep up the fight.