You seem like a good person to me from the sounds of it. Because you're right, a lot of people prefer to walk over others to get what they want, and succeed in life. Now, I think maybe a key could be in working out that which you've been searching through more recently, with respect to the giving up of your spirituality, and now feeling or being, somewhat "lost." I'm not suggesting you'd need to find religion again, but rather, something that you can find a foundation to build a better sense of self with, and therefore some means by which to derive purpose in life. This may yield a motivation, or an inspiration of sorts - a reason, that is - in order to continue on & pursue something worth pursuing.
As it stands now you seem to have lost direction from how I'm reading things (& I may be inaccurate here, to a certain degree). But what I'm hearing, is that even though you no longer believe in religion, when you did (brain washed or not) you felt a stronger belief in yourself, and how the world works. So in other words, you were more satisfied with life, and thus were perhaps more willing to engage in these endeavors that you no can see no point in engaging, or striving for.
That is what I am wondering, is if you couldn't find some other thing to, for want of a better word, ground you. And make you feel less unsettled, less uncertain, which all of these things produce two things, maybe you don't want or wish to define them as such (& I'm not even suggesting by text book definition they are) but: anxiety & depression. Fear, and the feeling of having, or wanting to "give-up!" Because there just doesn't seem to be any reason, or any point, given what is given and in regards how low you're feeling, both in terms of 'mood,' & also future prospects/meaning in life. Etc~
Is there some reason why you can't (just) be yourself? Who, or what, is stopping you? Do you care (overly so) what others think of you?
I think that even though you've made the decision and moved on from how you were raised, and are now in a different place & space, in all things. . . That there could be something there from your history that is still bothering you. If you don't want to call it a trauma, or refer to it as such, because that is too strong a term, fine - but I do think that there's a chance that this ... not sitting right / or well with you (your religious past/& thus, now newfound identity) is part of what's making things so difficult in the here & the now. Maybe I'm wrong? And you have every right to disagree! But if you want my opinion, based on what you've said, then that is what it is. You don't have to like it, and I probably wouldn't if I were you. But when that dust has settled, maybe if I could focus or harness some of that energy into getting to the bottom of this - discrepancy - might be of benefit (to me, or you) going forward. Hard to go forward when the past is slowing us down. And thwarting our progress at every turn. It's like a gear that's grinding; & sometimes to a halt.
What I'm saying is if you were perfectly and completely fine with your past, and it didn't bother you one iota, would that not make you feel just a little bit freer? I (just) know it would for me. Best to you!
Every life has value and certainly a caring person like you does.
