Im scared and i dont know what to do

[Something.idk]

I hope this doesn't go against the rules.
I've been having a lot of thoughts about hurting people, even those i love or just committing mass murder. The mass murder thoughts are always there and they scare me. I dont want to hurt anyone but i also want to hurt everyone. I hate everyone and everything even if i dont actually hate them. i think this stems from self hatred. Im afraid i will hurt people or lash out at them or say something i cant take back. I have such horrible thoughts and i hate it. I feel like im a freak whos just been faking this whole innocent act. Maybe I do want to kill people but im acting like i dont want to. I cant stop thinking about it. I don't want to hurt anyone. I feel like dying would be easier than thinking about this. Am i a violent person? is this normal? i dont want to be a horrible person. I feel like i wouldnt be able to control myself and id hurt someone.

 

[may71]

It's a difficult question to answer. Imho, whether a thing is good or not depends on the results. It could be that if you allow yourself to fantasize however you'd like, then this is something that would just pass. I'm not sure if it would make things worse for some people or not. On the other hand, repressing your thoughts could also make things worse.

Maybe you could try just letting yourself have these fantasies and then see if you feel better or worse. If you become less suicidal, and don't actually harm anyone else, then it's probably a good thing. There's a huge difference between fantasizing about a thing and actually doing it.

is this normal?

I think it's pretty common for people who have experienced violence and abuse to also have violent fantasies.

 

[meow124]

Hi Something.idk, I’m sorry you’re having such distressing thoughts. Having these types of thoughts is normal, but it they could become hard to stave off and just be stuck in your mind. Have you ever thought that it could be something like ocd? Specifically harm ocd? Sometimes there isn’t a physical manifestation to relieving intrusive thoughts, and it could just happen in your head.

I thought that maybe this could be what your experiencing because of these two things you said:

I feel like im a freak whos just been faking this whole innocent act. Maybe I do want to kill people but im acting like i dont want to.

I cant stop thinking about it. I don't want to hurt anyone.

I can tell that you don’t actually want to hurt anyone and that these thoughts are going against what you believe in and that’s what may be making them so distressing. Sometimes intrusive thoughts can go so against your moral compass that it stresses you out and makes you question if you’re a good person and if you’re just faking everything.

I’m sorry about everything you’re going through, and I only wish you the best. If what I said doesn’t sound like what you’re going through, take it with a grain of salt.

 

[Something.idk]

Maybe you could try just letting yourself have these fantasies and then see if you feel better or worse.

I feel like suppressing it isnt a good idea but then whenever facing these thoughts makes me afraid. I dont want to think about them for too long. I have nightmares when i supress it but when i think about it, its distressing.

 

[Something.idk]

Have you ever thought that it could be something like ocd? Specifically harm ocd?

I did search up the symptoms but im not so sure and i feel like i have some symptoms but i dont want to self diagnose. I just want to stop whatever it is that im thinking.

 

[meow124]

I did search up the symptoms but im not so sure and i feel like i have some symptoms but i dont want to self diagnose. I just want to stop whatever it is that im thinking.

I see, that makes sense. I hope things will get better for you then

 

[may71]

I feel like suppressing it isnt a good idea but then whenever facing these thoughts makes me afraid. I dont want to think about them for too long. I have nightmares when i supress it but when i think about it, its distressing.

I wonder if there's a middle way. Could you try having more moderate fantasies, but still have have some kind of revenge/violence fantasy? Like instead of killing, if you thought about knocking them out.

 

[Something.idk]

I wonder if there's a middle way. Could you try having more moderate fantasies, but still have have some kind of revenge/violence fantasy? Like instead of killing, if you thought about knocking them out.

Interesting. Ive never thought about that.

 

[may71]

Maybe you could fantasize about being a super kung-fu master, and you could just knock the wind out of people by hitting them in the solar plexus with your finger. They wouldn't really be hurt, but they'd know enough not to mess with you anymore.

 

[Gonz]

I did search up the symptoms but im not so sure and i feel like i have some symptoms but i dont want to self diagnose. I just want to stop whatever it is that im thinking.

The instinct not to self-diagnose is a good one, but what @meow124 said was the first thing I thought as well. My wife had OCD, and what you describe sounds a lot like the intrusive thoughts she’d tell me about. If you have a chance to talk to a professional, it’d be worth bringing it up.

And it’s what you actually do that counts. If you do not commit violence, then you are not a violent person.

 

[Something.idk]

Maybe you could fantasize about being a super kung-fu master, and you could just knock the wind out of people by hitting them in the solar plexus with your finger. They wouldn't really be hurt, but they'd know enough not to mess with you anymore.

LOL i think that's pretty good and it isn't gory either.
I like this a lot it made me laugh

 

[Something.idk]

The instinct not to self-diagnose is a good one, but what @meow124 said was the first thing I thought as well. My wife had OCD, and what you describe sounds a lot like the intrusive thoughts she’d tell me about. If you have a chance to talk to a professional, it’d be worth bringing it up.

And it’s what you actually do that counts. If you do not commit violence, then you are not a violent person.

The thought of OCD seems a bit scary honestly. If i have the chance i will try.

 

[justrob]

@Something.idk Do you have these thoughts when you are alone? Do you have these thoughts when you are with people?

 

[Something.idk]

@Something.idk Do you have these thoughts when you are alone? Do you have these thoughts when you are with people?

I have them always i would say but whenever im with people i feel like it increases.

 

[justrob]

It sounds scary. It also sounds like you won't act on the thoughts and that is important. Does that sound correct?

Do you have a professional you trust to talk about it? Finding a skilled person to talk to can be real helpful.

I really can't say much more because I don't have a lot of information. You can try metta meditation where you simply wish people to be well. You can even say it out loud once or twice a day.

 

[Something.idk]

It sounds scary. It also sounds like you won't act on the thoughts and that is important. Does that sound correct?

Do you have a professional you trust to talk about it? Finding a skilled person to talk to can be real helpful.

I really can't say much more because I don't have a lot of information. You can try metta meditation where you simply wish people to be well. You can even say it out loud once or twice a day.

I hope i wont act on them. I doubt myself. I mean i dont think i will. Im not violent.

If by professional you mean therapists or psychiatrists, i dont. I am not able to get one.

Is it like saying have a nice day to people? Is compliment others the same thing?

 

[justrob]

I hope i wont act on them. I doubt myself. I mean i dont think i will. Im not violent.

It doesn't sound like you are to me. Knowing you won't hopefully will make it a little less scary.

If by professional you mean therapists or psychiatrists, i dont. I am not able to get one.

Yes, or competent clergy.

Is it like saying have a nice day to people? Is compliment others the same thing?

It is. It doesn't have to be in person. When you think of someone think or say "May you be well." If you see the person you can think "may you be well." Alternately you can think something for yourself like "may I have peace" or simply "peace," or "love" or whatever. Having a short phrase or word to go to helps because when you think or say the word it momentarily interrupts the thought. I a lot of times use "may you be well" to try and develop compassion, but if I want to be compassionate to myself, saying "may I have peace," is better. One way is not better than then other, just what is more helpful for you.

 

[Something.idk]

Knowing you won't hopefully will make it a little less scary.

It really does help.

Yes, or competent clergy.

Im not christian but i get the idea. Just someone whos profession is religion?

It is. It doesn't have to be in person. When you think of someone think or say "May you be well." If you see the person you can think "may you be well." Alternately you can think something for yourself like "may I have peace" or simply "peace," or "love" or whatever. Having a short phrase or word to go to helps because when you think or say the word it momentarily interrupts the thought. I a lot of times use "may you be well" to try and develop compassion, but if I want to be compassionate to myself, saying "may I have peace," is better. One way is not better than then other, just what is more helpful for you.

Oh i see. I can try that. Thank you for the help!

 

[justrob]

Im not christian but i get the idea. Just someone who's profession is religion?

Muslim, Judaism, Buddhism, Bhakti Yoga. There is a lot to be said about Buddhist psychology. I am Christian Mystic and spend time at a Buddhist Sangha (laid back zen). Is there anything that interests you? Or there some trusted wise people you know. Again we are discussing this route because you don't have access to counselors.

 

[justrob]

It really does help.

Glad it helps.