Insomnia please release me!

[Battlecry]

I guess this constitutes a rant...

Aaaaaaaggggggghhh! Oh my fucking god!! What is wrong with my brain?! Aaaaaaaggggggghhh!

Amongst the many evil habits it has, refusing to let me sleep is categorically sat within the Top 3 (after 1. Suicidal ideation 2. Depression).

I've relied upon Mirtazapine for years to ensure I actually drift off to sleep and feel vaguely human the following day. Now I've changed to Venlafaxine, we're back to the bad old days. And when I say "bad", I mean it. With Mirtazapine, easily a solid 6-8 hour sleep, with no hangover. Absolutely bliss and seriously life changing.

But having reduced the dose all month, this week has been the first with none at all. Good sleep = maybe 1-2 hours of sleep. Bad - more common than you may think - is never actually being able to achieve anything more than a light doze. I know some people say, "you will have slept, you just don't realise". Trust me... I'm not one of them.

The change in meds was cause for much consternation but as the risk of another suicide attempt was getting ever closer, I felt somewhat compelled to do something. After 8 years, the Mirtazapine was no longer doing the job for which it was intended. The irony is that a perpetual lack of sleep can arguably do more harm than good. Who cares if my mood is elevated by a new drug? If I feel so shit every day I can hardly function, that's gonna make me a damn sight more depressed!

Some over the counter sleeping tablets work if I take more than the recommended dose. Others, don't touch me. Either way, it's no solution.

So what else am I doing to try and help the situation? No caffeine at all. No eating after 20:00, especially not diary products, sugar or spicy food; have a hot bath, a relaxing herbal tea (lavender, camomile and lemon balm); a consistent bed time - 22:00, lights off at 23:00. Reduce the use of my phone (but at the very least, have the screen on "night shift" mode). Instead, try to spend that last hour spent reading something very simplistic or listening to a meditation app to help induce sleep. Never any TV in bed. Have a comfortable, dark, quiet and well ventilated room. Lavender pillow spray. Herbal sleep aids. What more can I fucking do??! You name it, I'm trying it all. I've even kicked my husband into the spare room!

Sometimes, my brain just races through a thousand thoughts at one hundred miles an hour. Sometimes (rarely), there's really not a great deal going on up there. But still, I don't sleep. Hour after bloody, fucking hour creeping by, knowing that if I can't sleep, I can at least rest. Occasionally I get up, sit quietly and pass some time instead of stressing myself out. Or make a note of the "to do" list that's distracting me. But it seldom makes any difference. I then creep back again and dread the rising sun. The last few nights - I'm not close to sleep until around 4am, usually 5. The alarm goes off at 06:30. If it's really stressful (invariably) then the bad thoughts start creeping in and the urge to self harm is difficult to ignore.

Routinely, I find that a lack of sleep is causing me to feel thoroughly unwell. I literally end up trembling (apparently because the muscles have been deprived of suitable rest), feel sick (something to do with the body failing to hydrate the digestive tract), grey (blood circulation is aided by sleep, compromised by insomnia) and whilst physically tired, mentally wired (the stress releases adrenaline). Add to that an upset stomach and a total inability to concentrate and I'm a danger driving to work and fucking useless in the office. Years ago, I used to go in at three or four in the morning. I refuse to do that now.

I saw the shrink on Monday and she was vaguely upbeat. But that was just prior to cutting the Mirtazapine out completely. I have the GP tomorrow, so hopefully he'll take one look at the walking dead and realise there is a problem. Meanwhile (for those of you that follow, meeting number two with care co-ordinator was less bizarre and more constructive, so I'll give him a chance!).

I know it's my body re-adjusting and it could take weeks. But I was an insomniac prior to antidepressants, so this just sucks. Big style. Anyway. Rant over. Feel better. Ish. But I still feel like crap. Does that make sense, lol?

 

[may71]

So what else am I doing to try and help the situation? No caffeine at all. No eating after 20:00, especially not diary products, sugar or spicy food; have a hot bath, a relaxing herbal tea (lavender, camomile and lemon balm); a consistent bed time - 22:00, lights off at 23:00. Reduce the use of my phone (but at the very least, have the screen on "night shift" mode). Instead, try to spend that last hour spent reading something very simplistic or listening to a meditation app to help induce sleep. Never any TV in bed. Have a comfortable, dark, quiet and well ventilated room. Lavender pillow spray. Herbal sleep aids. What more can I fucking do??! You name it, I'm trying it all. I've even kicked my husband into the spare room!

Wow, you're already doing quite a lot. I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but the acupressure self-massage in my signature might help.

You might want to try eliminating sugar (and all sweetners) completely, as well as spicy food.

Acupuncture and traditional Chinese herbal medicine might help.

Taking off your shoes a couple of hours before bed might help.

Sometimes, my brain just races through a thousand thoughts at one hundred miles an hour. Sometimes (rarely), there's really not a great deal going on up there. But still, I don't sleep. Hour after bloody, fucking hour creeping by, knowing that if I can't sleep, I can at least rest. Occasionally I get up, sit quietly and pass some time instead of stressing myself out. Or make a note of the "to do" list that's distracting me. But it seldom makes any difference. I then creep back again and dread the rising sun. The last few nights - I'm not close to sleep until around 4am, usually 5. The alarm goes off at 06:30. If it's really stressful (invariably) then the bad thoughts start creeping in and the urge to self harm is difficult to ignore.

Routinely, I find that a lack of sleep is causing me to feel thoroughly unwell. I literally end up trembling (apparently because the muscles have been deprived of suitable rest), feel sick (something to do with the body failing to hydrate the digestive tract), grey (blood circulation is aided by sleep, compromised by insomnia) and whilst physically tired, mentally wired (the stress releases adrenaline). Add to that an upset stomach and a total inability to concentrate and I'm a danger driving to work and fucking useless in the office. Years ago, I used to go in at three or four in the morning. I refuse to do that now.

I saw the shrink on Monday and she was vaguely upbeat. But that was just prior to cutting the Mirtazapine out completely. I have the GP tomorrow, so hopefully he'll take one look at the walking dead and realise there is a problem. Meanwhile (for those of you that follow, meeting number two with care co-ordinator was less bizarre and more constructive, so I'll give him a chance!).

I know it's my body re-adjusting and it could take weeks. But I was an insomniac prior to antidepressants, so this just sucks. Big style. Anyway. Rant over. Feel better. Ish. But I still feel like crap. Does that make sense, lol?

 

[draws]

Do you have the means to try acupuncture? The hard part is finding someone who is really good. (A mediocre acupuncturist won't really help.). I have an amazing guy here in NH who can fix so many things. I'd go to him constantly if I was rich.

My hormones, that are really trying their damndest to kill me these days (and nearly succeeding), make me keep waking up, then I'm sleep deprived and lose my mental management, and drop into severe depression and nonfunctionality.

Similarly, some random chemicals are keeping you from sleeping, and science isn't advanced enough to know how to help. But you already know that.

If you can find an acupuncturist that everyone is raving about, they should be able to help you sleep some and get through the drug transition.

 

[may71]

Do you have the means to try acupuncture?

Acupuncture teaching clinics offer some pretty good care at much more affordable prices.

Some acupuncturists charge outrageous fees.

You might be within driving range for the New England School of Acupuncture teaching clinic, depending on where in NH you are.

 

[may71]

Sometimes, my brain just races through a thousand thoughts at one hundred miles an hour.

Meditation is the process of intentionally quieting the mind. One can develop skill at this process over time. It can take a great deal of effort to master.

You might want to take a group meditation class. You might also want to look into some of the many techniques to see if there is one that suites you in particular.

Sometimes I try to imagine that my brain is frozen solid. I meditate on the cold and motionlessness of my mind.

 

[DrownedFishOnFire]

On some bad days I match the galloping horses hoofbeats, the cacophony and the voices in my head to my heartbeats and it meshes into a dance then I tune out to nothingness last memory feeling the tempo of my heart. Its different every day for me but that's how I battle my thoughts to the end

 

[Rockclimbinggirl]

How about asking your GP for a med for sleep.

 

[Battlecry]

Thanks guys - some useful pointers. The doctor is reluctant to prescribe anything at the mo, so I'll fight that case with him if things don't improve over the next couple of weeks. But several of you suggested acupuncture. I've had it a few times in my late teens and I'm open to trying it again. I don't know that it helps at the time, but it most certainly did something, so it's worth exploring again. And there's a reasonable market around here for alternative medicine, so I reckon I can probably find someone whose respected and well reputed. Cheers!

 

[amiice]

I noticed u on google cause I relate completely it is so frustrating. I got the mirtazapine and other pills and still fall asleep late at night exhausted and scared I won't wake up in time. at least I'm getting a sleep these days but it's got to the point where if I miss the alarm my whole life is about to fall apart. Insomnia is a serious, debilitating illness to live with and people are so often judgmental. I know it is all in my head but I don't always have a lot of control over it. I feel like it's the same as telling me to just stop having a panic attack. And I am always telling my mind to shut it up when I'm having panic attacks and it does not help that much. It's weird cause normally I do not have suicidal thoughts, I'm not usually depressed all the time but I keep getting it where I feel bad or have what feels like a panic attack and just generally freaking out as well, my inner voice is just rambling all crazy and talking to myself and I sit and imagine and think about scenarios where I'm killing myself or being murdered and then dead - from a third person perspective). I don't plan to, this started as a intrusive thought but now its become more real, a conscious thought, and it scares me. I wish I was normal. I can feel really great after a decent sleep. Normal people must feel like that all the time. My meds are pretty weak but I can't imagine not having them at the moment. And some are about to run out which is terrifying at the moment. I think a lot of restrictions on medication are often too strict because look at the quality of life some of us have without it. I liked drownedfishonfire 's way of dealing with their mental problems, it sounds almost like a meditation. But OP if you want sleeping pills short term u should go to your psych or doctor and say that various things are happening at the moment which are putting you under a lot of stress right now in particular. That the insomnia is one of these problems and is making u feel crazy. and that you are having self harm thoughts etc. They see it as a quick fix for times like that. Then if you can over time show that you are able to spread the pills out and not become dependent on them they will be more likely to keep giving you them.