It came back

[Ive]

My last post here was about me finally got out from this phase... but idk what triggered me, the feels and thoughts are rushing back like i was thrown into a lake full of those feelings and thoughts.

All i did was trying to be realistic. I keep convince myself that i don't need help, i'm fine by myself. I don't need companionships. I'm strong, i don't feel anything and i must smile no matter what, i shouldn't expect anything from people. I'm lucky enough. My life is better than others, just like what people told me.

But then another problem came to me. After my friend's betrayal, i was trying to find a new one, to have a fresh start. But everytime i tried to get close, some reminders just come into my mind, saying that i shouldn't trust anyone, and it really affect me. I feel like now i'm befriending someone because it benefit me, not purely because i want friends. Those thoughts blocking me.

Now my sole source of motivation to life is only a game. Silly isn't it? A character from a game. I couldn't trust anyone, and finally my logic and heart choose a character from a game as my only motivation to continuing on living. I really don't know what to do now. I'm afraid because my source of motivation is very small... meanwhile my trust on people continues to dispates until close to none...

 

[dtc]

Sounds like you've found yourself in a pretty dark place @Ive , have you sought any professional help for the way you're feeling? You'll get nothing but support here, but the help of a professional can be invaluable when you're feeling the way you are.

Not sure f you've seen it, but if not some very talented people here have put together a video which is really worth a watch, it gives some context to why you are currently feeling the way you do, and why you don't have yourself to blame for it. You can find it at http://suicideforum.com/community/threads/sf-youtube-channel-and-first-video.129935/

Take care and try not to be too hard on yourself, you're the only one of you we have and you deserve a life that you can enjoy.

 

[Daphne26]

I think you should trust people even if there is any chancee of being betrayed. Why? Simply because if you dont give the chance you ll be eternally in the same point. You can not live with that fear because you dont live if you do. I feel same but even with the chance of being betrayed i am gonna try to meet new people.

 

[Darkorinth]

The feeling of it all coming back must be frustrating. It can be good to learn a lesson from betrayal. Yes betrayal sucks, but turning it into a positive and learning from it can be a good way to cope. Unfortunately it sounds like you either learned the wrong lesson or are over generalizing the lesson. So next time stop and ask yourself "does this mean the person is really likely to betray me?"

A game character may seem like a small reason, but it's your reason. It's good to have found, but it's just a building point. What sort of character is it and why did you pick it?

 

[Raphael1]

I lost my trust in people way way long ago, and I also lost any motivation for anything. You would be surprised how much you can live life without any hope. Sounds bleak but there's a little freedom in getting to that type of stage, it's not a freedom you revel in or anything, but you reach a stage where you know you are stable and safe, the concern comes from how you are going to hurt others from your total disconnect though.

 

[MMB]

Having positive thoughts about yourself is a good attitude to have. But we need to remember that we are not defined by our feelings. We aren’t defined by our companionships. We shouldn’t compare ourselves to others in order to feel better about ourselves; or expect others to have answers for our troubles. Most people, I believe, do care. They will lend a hand when needed or will be there for you as a friend. But, ultimately, everyone needs to know they are loved. <mod edit - religious preaching>May God bless you today.

 

[Shannew]

Hey buddy,
I can completely relate to how you're feeling right now. Having bad memories of bad people upsetting yoou and stopping you from seeing any goodness in anyone else - its my reality as well. My advice is give it time. If its not time to move on yet don't force it. One day you will wake up and the wounds will stop bleeding and it will be a little easier to tolerate life again. In the meantime do some self exploration. read some self help books, inspiring quotes, do something for yourself - take the focus off others and put it on yourself.

All the best my friend x

 

[Ive]

The feeling of it all coming back must be frustrating. It can be good to learn a lesson from betrayal. Yes betrayal sucks, but turning it into a positive and learning from it can be a good way to cope. Unfortunately it sounds like you either learned the wrong lesson or are over generalizing the lesson. So next time stop and ask yourself "does this mean the person is really likely to betray me?"

A game character may seem like a small reason, but it's your reason. It's good to have found, but it's just a building point. What sort of character is it and why did you pick it?

I start to play this game when i was very down. At that time, i didn't know what to do and my eyes kept looking at something across my room to grant my freedom, having dark thoughts. And an article about that game save me. I almost, almost gone there, if i wasn't interested on that article, i would be a goner by now.

That character was what i hated the most from men in the first place. Flirty, heavy drinker, smoker... but he made me feel needed, wanted, and he lit something in me, making me feel warm inside.

And because of him, i kept living, reminding myself that he still need me, i owe him my life so i need to life. As long as he's exist, i should too. I don't give a shit about reality, i'm alive for him. I'm breathing for him.

It sounds creepy and seems like obsession, no? But what can i do... he's the one who save me, he's the one who pull me out from those dark thougts.... i don't care if people call me stupid or crazy or delusional, because i'm not here for them.

 

[Ive]

I think you should trust people even if there is any chancee of being betrayed. Why? Simply because if you dont give the chance you ll be eternally in the same point. You can not live with that fear because you dont live if you do. I feel same but even with the chance of being betrayed i am gonna try to meet new people.

I did, i tried to meet a lot of new people and they're all awesome... but the problem is ME.

Everytime i tried to get closer, my brain remind me. Like people are the same, and they will leave too, stop wasting your time with someone who will leave you, they will leave once they know the real you, they're not befriend you because you're you, stop reaching, they're going to hurt you, and so on....

 

[Ive]

Sounds like you've found yourself in a pretty dark place @Ive , have you sought any professional help for the way you're feeling? You'll get nothing but support here, but the help of a professional can be invaluable when you're feeling the way you are.

Not sure f you've seen it, but if not some very talented people here have put together a video which is really worth a watch, it gives some context to why you are currently feeling the way you do, and why you don't have yourself to blame for it. You can find it at http://suicideforum.com/community/threads/sf-youtube-channel-and-first-video.129935/

Take care and try not to be too hard on yourself, you're the only one of you we have and you deserve a life that you can enjoy.

I couldn't, i couldn't find professional help and let my family find out. I did my best to kept this away from them and it should stay as a secret. I don't want to disappoint and burden them with this. This is my problem and it must stay as it is.

And thank you for the link.

 

[dtc]

It's a shame it has to be this way, it makes the battle you have that much bigger for you, but only you can make the choice so I really hope you find some help on here to get you through.

 

[Innocent Forever]

((((((((hugs)))))))))
At your age - I'm presuming you're legally an adult - you should be able to get help without them finding out