It feels like a mistake every time I wake up

[Lara_C]

I put a shit ton of effort into coping and living with these things but they never stop, are impossible to ignore, and whenever I make an attempt at change I'm told "that's just the way it is."

Can you give us a clearer idea of what these things are. Are they really impossible to change, so you could reduce the futility and joylessness of trying to cope with living in a condition you don't want to be in, which limits and restricts you so much there is nothing which gives you even a moment of happiness ? What's the point of struggling with such burdensome living conditions if you could change them instead?

 

[Wrick Malcof]

an you give us a clearer idea of what these things are. Are they really impossible to change, so you could reduce the futility and joylessness of trying to cope with living in a condition you don't want to be in, which limits and restricts you so much there is nothing which gives you even a moment of happiness ? What's the point of struggling with such burdensome living conditions if you could change them instead?

I can't because I've avoided cataloguing them . But I boil it down to unsympathetic and selfish people forgetting that their actions and inactions impact everyone around them. I have to deal with those impacts, and when that pisses me off apparently I'm the one that needs therapy. I have NO POWER to change that. Fuck being a human being.

 

[Dante]

By the end of the day, I wind back down to feeling like I shouldn't have woken up that day. No matter where the day started or how it went, I reflect on the effort expended and what it took to make it to the end of the day. It always feels like too much.

It takes so much to make it through one day. More than it should, and more than I can truly express to anyone. When I remember I have to do it all again tomorrow I deflate. I want to cry but I just...don't anymore. So I just stare into the middle distance. Waiting for a very heavy object to come hurtling through the air at my head.

I just want to be done with it all. I want it to be over and done with so nobody ever has to tolerate me, and so I don't have to tolerate anyone else; ever again. I never asked to be a part of any of this, so why must I be? What in the ever loving fuck does anybody need from me?

This whole post could have been written by me a few years ago, and half of it still could today. A few years ago, whenever I woke up, the first though through my head was to wish I hadnt, to despair that I had ever woken up again, it would take all I had to get up and my families legendary stubbornness just to get through the day, and then by the end of the evening I would refuse to sleep, pushing back tomorrow until I just couldnt stay awake any more, and even up until early this year I would constantly ask myself why it cant just be over, why I cant just die now. I dont want it to be over anymore, and I dont regret waking up, so much as I regret it not being a weekend when I do even if I do still push back tomorrow so badly I barely sleep at all nowadays (2 hours a night on weekdays, about 6 or 7 on weekends)

You know that magic answer you wish for to make it all better? Well I found mine, it didnt make it ALL better, but it made it better enough, and there may be one out there for you too, just hang in there until you find it, and keep working on ways to hold on. There are people who need you, even if you havent met them yet. I too am merely tolerated by most, but SOME people did need me at certain points, the right broken person at the right time makes a huge difference, because it can take a broken person to understand and help another broken person. Hell, some people here even LIKE me (I think) and Im sure they like you too.

Im not trying to rub it in your face that im doing better, more that I seriously understand what you mean, I was there only a few years ago, and now Im not, and you can feel better too, you just need to hold on.

 

[Lara_C]

I can't because I've avoided cataloguing them . But I boil it down to unsympathetic and selfish people forgetting that their actions and inactions impact everyone around them. I have to deal with those impacts, and when that pisses me off apparently I'm the one that needs therapy. I have NO POWER to change that. Fuck being a human being.

You can't change other people, but if all the people around you are insufferable, why don't you minimize contact with them and find people who are warmer, less demanding, and more caring? What is making you stay in your present conditions? If it's outer conditions, what is stopping you from changing them? If it's inner ones, there is sure to be a therapist out there who can help, but different outer conditions could make you feel better anyway. What is there to lose by risking change except all those things that make your life feel like a burden? What do you really want, your deepest desire, that would make being alive feel meaningful, fulfilling and purposeful? What essential thing is missing?

 

[Wrick Malcof]

You can't change other people, but if all the people around you are insufferable, why don't you minimize contact with them and find people who are warmer, less demanding, and more caring? What is making you stay in your present conditions? If it's outer conditions, what is stopping you from changing them? If it's inner ones, there is sure to be a therapist out there who can help, but different outer conditions could make you feel better anyway. What is there to lose by risking change except all those things that make your life feel like a burden? What do you really want, your deepest desire, that would make being alive feel meaningful, fulfilling and purposeful? What essential thing is missing?

My deepest desire is to be free from the burden of a meaningful and happy life. That is my one truest and deepest desire above all else. I can't just minimize contact with them, as if that's the long and short of it. These people employ me, sell me goods, drive the roads, live near me for Christ's sake! Am I supposed to just *pretend* they aren't there and that I don't need anything from them?

I stay in my present conditions because people have made the mistake of caring about me. As such, I have to stick around so they can continue to do so as they feel entitled to my presence in their life because they care about me. It has nothing to do with what I have to lose, it has everything to do with the fact that people can't bear to lose me. I'm quite literally stuck in their lives

 

[Wrick Malcof]

The fact that those people need me is the problem. I want them to stop doing that so I can finally be free to <mod edit>

 

[Lara_C]

My deepest desire is to be free from the burden of a meaningful and happy life. That is my one truest and deepest desire above all else

Didn't you mean the burden of the meaningless and unhappy life you say you have at present? Who wouldn't want to be free of that?

can't just minimize contact with them, as if that's the long and short of it. These people employ me, sell me goods, drive the roads, live near me for Christ's sake! Am I supposed to just *pretend* they aren't there and that I don't need anything from them?

You could change your job, your location, but maybe you mean there aren't any people you wouldn't find insfufferable, or too many of them.

I stay in my present conditions because people have made the mistake of caring about me. As such, I have to stick around so they can continue to do so as they feel entitled to my presence in their life because they care about me. It has nothing to do with what I have to lose, it has everything to do with the fact that people can't bear to lose me. I'm quite literally stuck in their lives

Do you believe they really do care about you - your thoughts and feelings - or do they ignore them? Do they even notice how unhappy you are?

 

[Lara_C]

The fact that those people need me is the problem. I want them to stop doing that so I can finally be free to <mod edit- method>

If they love you they won't stop if you did that. It would leave them with the same pain you are feeling now. I don't think you want to hurt them that much, and if not, you need to find another way to live and be, or stay stuck where you are until you do. Therapy could help you to make changes to your outer conditions if they're the main cause of your unhappiness, but it might also help you to feel better while still living in them. There's nothing to lose by taking the risk of trying it. It IS possible you would feel better

 

[Wrick Malcof]

Didn't you mean the burden of the meaningless and unhappy life you say you have at present? Who wouldn't want to be free of that?

No, I mean the achievement of a happy and meaningful life is too heavy a burden, and one I would like alleviated as swiftly as possible.

THEY believe they care about me. That's the trick. I don't get to decide if they actually care or what that looks like. If I'm important to them, then that's that. There are no ifs ands or buts, they just care. Whether or not they give a shit about my happiness is another story.

 

[Wrick Malcof]

If they love me they wouldn't stop me from swiss cheesing myself? I'm sorry but that doesn't make sense to me. There isn't a different way for me to be because it isn't the way I'm being that's the problem. It's the way others decide to be, and the shit I have to suffer on their behalf without so much as an apology or a sympathetic recognition from a fellow human. Is therapy gonna make people start acting like my feelings actually matter? No, it won't

 

[Lara_C]

THEY believe they care about me. That's the trick.

Do you love/care about them? I think you must to be concerned about how they might feel about losing you.

There isn't a different way for me to be because it isn't the way I'm being that's the problem. It's the way others decide to be, and the shit I have to suffer on their behalf without so much as an apology or a sympathetic recognition from a fellow human. I

How many others are we talking about here? If the people around you now make you feel so bad you want to die, why do you stay in that situation rather than changing it? Give yourself a chance to feel better by trying something different?

Is therapy gonna make people start acting like my feelings actually matter? No, it won't

It could help you avoid investing so much energy in people and things that drain you, and to focus on finding something better, and people who are more considerate and respectful.

 

[Wrick Malcof]

o you love/care about them? I think you must to be concerned about how they might feel about losing you.

I'm more sympathetic to them. I was raised to be, and so I can't willingly inflict such pain on somebody.

How many? Seemingly most people I interact with. Something different requires an effort I am very done expending. If I hadn't said it yet, I find even being alive an exhausting endeavor.

That's the worst part, I invest no energy into this. It's all just how I naturally react to the world I regularly interact with. I'm not actively seeking out circumstances that make me furious and exhaust me. They exist in abundance and I stumble into them over and over and over. There's no "considerate person" radar. I just have to be lucky. I haven't

 

[Lara_C]

That's the worst part, I invest no energy into this. It's all just how I naturally react to the world I regularly interact with. I'm not actively seeking out circumstances that make me furious and exhaust me. They exist in abundance and I stumble into them over and over and over.

The conditions you exist in which drain you so much aren't absolute though. It may be hard to change to a radical alternative lifesyle, but some people do because they find the regular way of living as oppressive as you do. You are obviously exhausted but a change in conditions to less demanding ones might bring renewed energy and life. When you look at it, it doesn't take that much effort to keep body and soul together. What's the point in working a job you hate just to get money to maintain a way of being you hate and accumulate things that you bring you no joy? It's just a treadmill.

How many? Seemingly most people I interact with. Something different requires an effort I am very done expending. If I hadn't said it yet, I find even being alive an exhausting endeavor.

Being alive is always in the context of your conditions, and these aren't fixed and immutable. Not are you, as the kind of person we are and become is related to inner and outer conditions. You're the only one who can choose to change both, or stay stuck where you are, but you can only do that if staying as you are seems worse than taking the risk that change might be better. There are no guarantees in life I know, but what do you really stand to lose by giving yourself a chance to be happier?

 

[Lara_C]

I'm more sympathetic to them. I was raised to be, and so I can't willingly inflict such pain on somebody.

So basically, like you said before, you are trapped in these miserable conditions by your desire to avoid inflicting pain on others, but it could be that you don't need to die to be free of the misery by changing the conditions that are making you suffer so much. It also shows that compassion is a very deeply embedded aspect of you, despite the faults in others which make you suffer so much. I think you should pay attention to that feeling, let it guide your thinking about who you are and what you need from life. Include yourself in that compassion /desire to avoid harm.

You are already free to change and claiming that power could reinvigorate you. Without that sense of freedom, of power, being alive is bound to be extremely frustrating and oppressive, more like death in life than being fully alive.

 

[Lara_C]

They exist in abundance and I stumble into them over and over and over. There's no "considerate person" radar. I just have to be lucky. I haven't

Right now you are completely focused and lost in external appearances only. In your current conditions you are conscious only of suffering because you have no refuge, no freedom, from it. it's in your face, every minute of every day. There are refuges in the world if you look for them where you can eliminate or reduce the distractions of the outside world which occupy your whole attention just now, freeing you to turn within towards your compassionate heart or core beneath the negativity of the world. Its this core you're not really noticing, a whole dimension of your existence which is full of potential, the missing part of the picture which transforms everything. When you awake to the power and joy of full self -awareness, of being whole and fully alive, you are free regardless of external conditions. Love is real, you just need to believe in its presence and power to start the current working

 

[Wrick Malcof]

Right now you are completely focused and lost in external appearances only. In your current conditions you are conscious only of suffering because you have no refuge, no freedom, from it. it's in your face, every minute of every day. There are refuges in the world if you look for them where you can eliminate or reduce the distractions of the outside world which occupy your whole attention just now, freeing you to turn within towards your compassionate heart or core beneath the negativity of the world. Its this core you're not really noticing, a whole dimension of your existence which is full of potential, the missing part of the picture which transforms everything. When you awake to the power and joy of full self -awareness, of being whole and fully alive, you are free regardless of external conditions. Love is real, you just need to believe in its presence and power to start the current working

"If I look for them," implies that I haven't been. Which is untrue. Also I never refuted the existence of love, and have loving individuals in my life. I simply want to die. It isn't a matter of necessity, it's a matter of preference. I would prefer, instead of putting a lifetime of effort into having peace and happiness that I *MIGHT* end up getting; to just end the life I never asked for and be free of the burden it brings.

You continue to phrase the solution as a "change in conditions." But we have yet to address how tiresome and energy dependent of a process that actually is. Should I put all that strain and focus on something that is possibly not even worth the strife? Should I decide to live tired and compressed for the sake of hopefully being happy for a time? I think not.

What is the point indeed? Let's zoom out. Beyond the job, and the morons, and the stress. What's the point of anything? There isn't one. We just make one up for our own sake. And I'd be making one up for the sake of being part of something I disagree with, despise, and frankly see hardly any reason to be grateful to have experienced in the first place.

 

[Lara_C]

But we have yet to address how tiresome and energy dependent of a process that actually is.

It might be hard, but only you can decide to step outside the present limited conditions to take the risk that things could get better. It doesn't have to be a complete change all at once. For instance, there are quiet places in nature everywhere and just taking a break from your usual oppressive environment sometimes might give you more mental peace as well if you can leave thoughts of your noisy, busy, life behind for a while. It doesn't take much effort to drive to a secluded forest and take a stroll, paying attention to those surroundings instead of thoughts of back home you so much want to escape from. The only way to find out is to try it. You're in charge.

Let's zoom out. Beyond the job, and the morons, and the stress. What's the point of anything? There isn't one.

How can you possibly know that though Wrick ? Have you explored every nook and cranny of reality to be sure you've got the complete picture and that you've not missed something significant which would show the limitation of your present viewpoint? Maybe so far you've not looked in the right places?

 

[Lara_C]

Also I never refuted the existence of love, and have loving individuals in my life.

I meant its healing, transformative power.

I simply want to die. It isn't a matter of necessity, it's a matter of preference. I would prefer, instead of putting a lifetime of effort into having peace and happiness that I *MIGHT* end up getting; to just end the life I never asked for and be free of the burden it brings.

It might turn out to be nothing like an entire lifetime of effort, you can't assume it would be. What seems highly unlikely from your present standpoint of staying stuck where you are could just be due to that limited standpoint itself and things could change quickly if you start moving on. I think peace, freedom from misery, is the greatest happiness. Whereas you see it as the absence of life and awareness, I see it as the fullness of it. Again, it's your choice, but it seems to me that the effort of maintaining your present way of life indefinitely would be much greater than giving it up for a different more peaceful way of living. And as you said , you don't want to cause pain to others by killing yourself.

 

[Lara_C]

Also I never refuted the existence of love, and have loving individuals in my life. I simply want to die. It

You want to die because you suffer so unbearably and you believe that physical death will end it. You cant be certain of that though, and there's no way to rewind if it turns out to be a mistake. You can find peace without any risk of harm to yourself and others by concentrating on the presence of love inside you and relaxing deeply into it, letting go all thoughts of the crazy external world and your activities and relationships in it which you hate so much. Peace is what is left when the mind is quiet. Your mind disappears every night in deep sleep, peacefully undisturbed by dreaming, and you can lose it while remaining aware /awake too. The difference is that the second kind lasts

 

[Wrick Malcof]

t might be hard, but only you can decide to step outside the present limited conditions to take the risk that things could get better. It doesn't have to be a complete change all at once. For instance, there are quiet places in nature everywhere and just taking a break from your usual oppressive environment sometimes might give you more mental peace as well if you can leave thoughts of your noisy, busy, life behind for a while. It doesn't take much effort to drive to a secluded forest and take a stroll, paying attention to those surroundings instead of thoughts of back home you so much want to escape from. The only way to find out is to try it. You're in charge.

I'm sorry, but if you think I've gotten to this point because I don't put enough focus into better surroundings then I feel you haven't been listening to me. It seems you honestly thing that I'm holding onto these circumstance exclusively. As if they have no power to follow me or be recreated by others. They aren't inescapable, but they cannot be avoided either. They must eventually be dealt with and I am done dealing with them. I don't want to wall around in nature for a while so I can be okay, WITH A WORLD THAT SHOULDN'T BE SO FUCKING SHITTY. I want the world to be better but it can't, so instead of working all my life to be okay with how good the world isn't I just want to expire. That's it. Fuck being a human.

How could I know? BECAUSE IT'S WHAT PEOPLE HAVE BEEN THROWING AT ME FOR YEARS! All my life, even people on this platform; have been telling me that i'm supposed to decide my life's meaning. Which by default means that there is no actual meaning deeper than what we decide. Meaning is as arbitrary as the existence that fabricates it.