It is over

[Marga]

However, if we ourselves believe them, then they are in fact, true to us! ...I'm really sorry to hear of your horrid & horrible tenant. Talk about a stress, and a stressor!?. . . . I only hope that you wouldn't look at things like that, and compare. Taking away the nature of this relationship, in particular, with the dynamics involved and all. To judge like that, isn't fair to yourself. For we're always going to see the worst side of it, if we compare (ourselves to others). I'm guessing, we too, neglect to see - or fail to somehow (conveniently) - notice those that would feel the same way about us. If viewed in this way, and through this subjective prism? Who knows? maybe in a vacuum... if given the option, and the opportunity in the midst of a discussion, she'd actually entertain the thought, or the notion of trading places with you? Straight-up, your life, for hers (& all that-that entails, or comes with it?)

I didn't mean I would trade places with her, I just feel like if a person like this has children, I would also "deserve" to have them, as I am person who is not doing any harm to others, on the contrary, I am contributing well to society etc.

 

[Marga]

You're right, in that it can be difficult to accurately evaluate, or read someone without having ever met or gotten to know them. However, from what little I have read of yours, or you--from you. In so far as I can tell: you don't sound, or come across as someone whom would boast a boatload of undesirable characteristics, or personality traits, maybe that is taking it to far. To try or to attempt to judge someone in that way? You seem to come off, or across to me, as someone who would be able to attract others, and to want to be around and to get to know them, etc. And this includes relationships of all kinds - thinking of it, in my case & or from my perspective as that of a friend, or colleague. Something like that... So while it is common to try & draw some kind of a link, or an association. I'd wonder if you aren't somehow seeing more of the negatives, and the overall ones that had ended in failure, as opposed to those that were either more on the neutral end, or even more likely than that the positive one.

For we can tend to forget them, sometimes, especially throughout our history & when in the rearview. Much like with compliments & everyday praise. We just sort of expect them to be there. Because we have these high standards, or expectations for ourselves. So it is almost as if that is what is expected, or required. In other words--no big deal. Then when we do come across something where it doesn't work out, for whatever reason? A personality conflict, something else. Well, then we just can't seem to quite forgive & forget so easily. And we then collect that sort of in our memory banks. And place them in some kind of our own personal hall of shame. Easily & readily able, or available, to recall. Then next thing you know, we have a more catastrophic one, on the scale, or in those terms.

Suddenly they're right there, when we "need," them. To reinforce all of those negative beliefs, and really, inaccurate and false perceptions.

However, if we ourselves believe them, then they are in fact, true to us! ...I'm really sorry to hear of your horrid & horrible tenant. Talk about a stress, and a stressor!?. . . . I only hope that you wouldn't look at things like that, and compare. Taking away the nature of this relationship, in particular, with the dynamics involved and all. To judge like that, isn't fair to yourself. For we're always going to see the worst side of it, if we compare .

It is true, one can have a tendency to see things more negatively than they are.

 

[Marga]

You are not spamming here, I am very sorry for you. But if you are already at this point and know its over - how come he still lives with you, because he does not have something else to stay? if the apartment is on your name - I would pack his stuff, put it in front of the door and change the lock. This is what my mother did after many years of suffering - the point came were its no longer possible. I would help you to get over it - because it would be YOU who take action - stop to suffer. Be active. I know its easy said (love is complicated) but in this case I would not hesitate. Sorry.

You are right, maybe I will have to do it in the end, but actually I find it extremely difficult to do such thing in general. Moreover I am afraid of his reaction - he is a person who retaliates when someone does something "nasty" to him, even if you basically have a right to do it.

 

[may71]

I didn't mean I would trade places with her, I just feel like if a person like this has children, I would also "deserve" to have them, as I am person who is not doing any harm to others, on the contrary, I am contributing well to society etc.

It's not really a matter of deserving or not. She could have gotten drunk and had sex with some random guy that she'll never see again, and got pregnant that way. It's easy for someone who doesn't care about anything, including their kids, to have kids.

 

[Windhover]

 

[MisterBGone]

I didn't mean I would trade places with her, I just feel like if a person like this has children, I would also "deserve" to have them, as I am person who is not doing any harm to others, on the contrary, I am contributing well to society etc.

Yes, I believe I understood what it is you were saying. However, I am sorry that I did not word mine in such a way that it was equally easy to understand. I have met others who share your sentiment. Those who either could not have children themselves, or were doing things like making alternative plans (e. g., "freezing their eggs") & so - I think I know what you mean. And can appreciate your feelings in this matter. I hope you can find some way to make it happen, or work for you. That is all! : )

 

[MisterBGone]

It is true that relationships end for "natural causes" often. But in fact a lot if my relationships ended due to some issues, mainly people not being nice to me. In general I have much less friends compared to other people in my social groups. For example, in my work team, most people have a closer friend/colleague or a group with whom they meet regularly also outside work. I used to have a small group of girls for some time, but I increasingly didn't feel comfortable with them as they had unpleasant remarks on me. So I stopped meeting them and now have no one. This has mostly been similar in all my school groups etc.

I'm sorry for your experiences here. It sounds like you've run across some unsavory people. And not the kind you'd want to associate with, or necessarily spend a lot of quality down-time, with... Just try & forget/or let go of the past; & your "experiences," in this regard. And start anew. Give yourself a blank/clean 'slate.' Then go, or start from there - when it comes to meeting new potential friends, and whatnot. Treat them with the kindness you'd like to receive in return. And see if you can find someone who blossoms right in front of your eyes. I agree that, it is like a weird, or wild-sometimes, chemistry-experiment, when it comes to finding someone to be good friends with. At least beyond that which is either more casual, or surface level. In short: it doesn't matter your track record, for that shouldn't have any impact on future impending, or pending results. In my mind, anyway~

 

[may71]

It's not really a matter of deserving or not. She could have gotten drunk and had sex with some random guy that she'll never see again, and got pregnant that way. It's easy for someone who doesn't care about anything, including their kids, to have kids.

I'd like to clarify that I'm not saying that an alcoholic, or someone who gets pregnant unintentionally is a bad person.

The point is that having kids really isn't a matter of deserving it or not deserving it.

 

[V0rt3XtheV0ID]

Yes, it is definitevely over. I have tried. He has tried. But he is gone. Maybe it is for the better. But it is sad. He is gone just like everyone.

I just went through a relationship like this. I know how you feel. To have such an intimate relationship with someone only to find out they are a toxic sociopath.

 

[ashes628]

I have had enough. Enough of how he treated me. Enough of how he wouldn't commit. Enough of how he always tried to show me I am stupid. It is so sad. I loved him so much. We could have had something beautiful. But it is over. I have had enough of how how he didn't show me any love. Of how he probably didn't love me. Of how it was always me being wrong. There goes my dream. My dream of a loving relationship and a family will probably never be fulfilled. It is over. He is gone.

I can relate. My fiance hates my guts

 

[nicktheundoer]

I have had enough. Enough of how he treated me. Enough of how he wouldn't commit. Enough of how he always tried to show me I am stupid. It is so sad. I loved him so much. We could have had something beautiful. But it is over. I have had enough of how how he didn't show me any love. Of how he probably didn't love me. Of how it was always me being wrong. There goes my dream. My dream of a loving relationship and a family will probably never be fulfilled. It is over. He is gone.

If you're meant to meet someone and marry..it'll definitely happen..........😊😊😊😊🫂🫂🫂😊😊❤️🫂🫂❤️

 

[Marga]

So I was hoping we could maybe fix this. I was hoping he would forgive me for my mistakes just like I would fogive him for his. That didn't happen. He has just moved out from my appartment. He basically said he would leave already me in the autumn. But stayed at my place either because he was considering whether to really leave or not, or either because he only found a place to go now (he has very limited financial income). This is just to explain why he moved out only now. But the point is I am in so much pain.... I cannot bear it. I really loved him deeply. I mean it. He really was the love of my life and without him nothing makes no sense...😭😭😭 Apologies for being so dramatic. I know I am not the only one losing a relationship. But somehiw it hurts too much... I really thought he was the one.

 

[may71]

I'm sorry things turned out like this.

Apologies for being so dramatic

There's nothing to apologize for. It sounds like you're only accurately describing how you're feeling, and you're allowed to do that here.
Hugs Marga

 

[Marga]

I'm sorry things turned out like this.


There's nothing to apologize for. It sounds like you're only accurately describing how you're feeling, and you're allowed to do that here.
Hugs Marga

Thank you. I am in so much pain. Just definitively lost the person I loved most in my life. And maybe the only who loved me too. Maybe... don't know. My life has really lost meaning now. I know I shouldn't complain. So many people lost their love too...

 

[Marga]

There is nothing for me in this life. I don't want to die. But I also don't have any significant reason to live. My life is empty. I loved him so much. I hate myself so much for ruining it. He was the sun of my life. He is right that I am unstable. That's why no one stays with me. I hate myself. I am sorry to write this. I know I shouldn't feel like this. But I do. I wish I could turn back time. I am just like my parents. Destructive and unsupportable.

 

[snails]

There is nothing for me in this life. I don't want to die. But I also don't have any significant reason to live. My life is empty. I loved him so much. I hate myself so much for ruining it. He was the sun of my life. He is right that I am unstable. That's why no one stays with me. I hate myself. I am sorry to write this. I know I shouldn't feel like this. But I do. I wish I could turn back time. I am just like my parents. Destructive and unsupportable.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I don't think we can make that better but we can listen. There was a thread about reasons to live, maybe something there would be helpful. Is there anyone you can reach out to?

 

[may71]

Thank you.

You're welcome!

I'm sorry you're in so much pain.

I know I shouldn't complain. So many people lost their love too...

It's ok to talk about this. If someone else is feeling pain, they're allowed to talk about it too. If talking about how you're feeling helps, then it's a fundamentally healthy thing and I hope you'll keep talking.

 

[may71]

He is right that I am unstable. That's why no one stays with me.

I think you could find someone who loves you the way you are. A lot of people are pretty superficial and are only interested in what they can get out of a relationship. They approach it from only selfish terms about how they can get the best deal.

It's easy to meet people who don't have the maturity to embrace the give and take of a real relationship.

The typical dating strategy for most people is to try to create the best impression of themselves initially, and then let someone they are dating know about the real person that they are gradually.

That works for some people, but it may not work for you. If you can find someone that knows a little about the real you from the start, it might be easier to find someone who is willing and able to stick with the relationship.