I went through some really hard times in November and December. My best friend decided not to be friends anymore, my family was fighting, I was so distanced from my friends and unable to talk to them. I thought of killing myself and tried, I went through a depression, if it wasn't for God I would have jumped over a bridge.
Things got better, now all of this shit is coming back. I miss being friends with her and know she wants nothing to do with me. I finished my last day of student teaching and it was so awesome, but I couldn't even celebrate it with anyone. All of my colleagues partied together with their friends, I'm alone. Wrote an email to my friends congratulating them for having finished too, no reply. It's not a big deal, they must be busy but I'm remembering all of the pain and shit I went through a few months ago. I hate being alone although by now I'm trying to get used to it. There are good people out there, but no one I can get together with in person and like go hang out with and talk, like really talk. The only friend I have who I completely trust is God.
I'm ranting and raving and sorry for that, I'm just feeling so shitty being alone while I know others are with well deserved friends. I am such a shit for feeling this because I know God is with me so I'm not really alone but just miss having people I can call up and hang out with. I had a close person like that once, then she decided she didn't want much to do with me anymore. Just told me she has a closer circle of friends. I asked if I did or said anything, she said no, she just doesn't want to be friends anymore.
I'm not suicidal but I hope I die soon. I'm graduating next year, plan to go teach English in Middle East or Latin America. When I am not teaching and while I'm there, I want to join a Christian human rights missions group like MCC and go serve God and put my life on the line for Him. I want to die for the Gospel. I want to go to Palestine or Colombia and have someone kidnap me or shoot me or kill me. I'm so sorry for saying this but it's how I feel.
I don't feel I fit in, and maybe I'm not meant to live long. I can lose my life in a way that is pleasing to Christ. I have friends but still feel so alone. I sound like such a fucking baby and I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time.
I hope this pain and heartache and bad memories go away soon. Usually when I feel so bad I ask God to take these feelings away and He does. I just don't feel the pain anymore. I need to make myself numb to pain and not care about being alone anymore. Sorry for wasting everyone's time.
Cristo Vive!
- Tomasz
Things got better, now all of this shit is coming back. I miss being friends with her and know she wants nothing to do with me. I finished my last day of student teaching and it was so awesome, but I couldn't even celebrate it with anyone. All of my colleagues partied together with their friends, I'm alone. Wrote an email to my friends congratulating them for having finished too, no reply. It's not a big deal, they must be busy but I'm remembering all of the pain and shit I went through a few months ago. I hate being alone although by now I'm trying to get used to it. There are good people out there, but no one I can get together with in person and like go hang out with and talk, like really talk. The only friend I have who I completely trust is God.
I'm ranting and raving and sorry for that, I'm just feeling so shitty being alone while I know others are with well deserved friends. I am such a shit for feeling this because I know God is with me so I'm not really alone but just miss having people I can call up and hang out with. I had a close person like that once, then she decided she didn't want much to do with me anymore. Just told me she has a closer circle of friends. I asked if I did or said anything, she said no, she just doesn't want to be friends anymore.
I'm not suicidal but I hope I die soon. I'm graduating next year, plan to go teach English in Middle East or Latin America. When I am not teaching and while I'm there, I want to join a Christian human rights missions group like MCC and go serve God and put my life on the line for Him. I want to die for the Gospel. I want to go to Palestine or Colombia and have someone kidnap me or shoot me or kill me. I'm so sorry for saying this but it's how I feel.
I don't feel I fit in, and maybe I'm not meant to live long. I can lose my life in a way that is pleasing to Christ. I have friends but still feel so alone. I sound like such a fucking baby and I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time.
I hope this pain and heartache and bad memories go away soon. Usually when I feel so bad I ask God to take these feelings away and He does. I just don't feel the pain anymore. I need to make myself numb to pain and not care about being alone anymore. Sorry for wasting everyone's time.
Cristo Vive!
- Tomasz