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It's complicated

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Chipetele

Aspiring person
#1
This is going to be all over the place because that's where I'm at now, unable to focus, concentrate, really scatterbrained.

I had a really good year (at least after the summer) last year but unfortunately I had a really bad year (at least until mid-august) this year.
Something just went *click* and I reverted to an earlier, miserable version of myself from march or april until august 14th.

I feel like I'm not all there. It's complicated because I'm sorta happy now? I'm not depressed, I'm not suicidal, I'm not angry, I enjoy being alive, just like last year. Because I just avoid intensity. I think that's the key to happiness for me; avoiding emotional intensity.

I don't know how to talk to people. I've been bad at this for a very long time but I've gotten so much worse. I'm not even sure if I've written about this before, I just now thought that I had. whenever someone tries to make conversation, I...I have no idea what to say. How to reply to what they're saying. I don't even know how to do it online anymore. Maybe it's the whole new allergy to intensity thing, I dunno. Even on here, whenever someone shares something personal, I have no idea what to say. I used to know what to say but now....and it's terrible because I want to say something, I care but I'm mostly shut down emotionally (which apparently makes me happier?)...I want to say something, but I just can't think of things to say. And that sucks because it's awful when someone shares something personal with you and all they get back is a sad face. And I don't want the few online friends I have left to feel like they can only ever talk to me about movies and the weather. but back to real life...I don't know how I'll ever learn how to talk to people. I wrote something somewhere recently about how there should be a human school where they teach you how to human.

I don't even want friends anymore but I want to want them. It used to be all I want but now even the thought of having friends makes me uncomfortable, I wouldn't even know how to do it. That's a recent change, too. Probably connected to the "no intensity, no emotional engagement" thing I've got going on.


Someone tells some sorta joke and I smile at it (I can't pull off fake laughter) but then they keep telling jokes and I just wish I could disappear. Someone talks to me and I can't think of responses beyond very short, simple, boring ones and then I get even more social anxiety-ish feelings from not being able to come up with responses and ugh


even with family members! I used to be okay talking to family because the social anxiety factor isn't there but now I'm terrible at talking to them too and when I talk to ANYONE I come off like I'm not even a human being, like I'm only conscious 10% of the time, like I'm "not all there" and it makes me feel pathetic, like I'm developmentally disabled or somethnig because it has gotten so extreme that I come off as strange.

I feel pathetic.

Also, another year has gone by and I'm failing uni and I don't see how I'll ever get a job because even thinking about a job interview is too much, I have no idea how anyone makes it through those, the pressure, the interrogation...I don't see how I'll make it in life and I don't mean that in a suicidal way because I'm not suicidal. I want to live. I *WILL* live. There's no danger of me killing myself. I mean it like I don't see a way for me to be able to be a normal, employed person with friends, the person I need to be to not feel pathetic, to respect myself.
 
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Petal

~*Mod Extraordinaire*~
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
Someone talks to me and I can't think of responses beyond very short, simple, boring ones and then I get even more social anxiety-ish feelings from not being able to come up with responses and ugh
This. I can wholeheartedly relate to this. Anxiety really screws with your mind and how you can interact with others and then responses and answers come back into your mind later when reliving the conversation once the anxiety has gone. I have been told I have ''no personality'', but I know I do, it's just due to anxiety I cannot express it properly or in the same manners others can.

Have you ever sought treatment for your anxiety? Maybe therapy is a starting point?

So glad to read that you are not suicidal, that is welcoming news. I am sorry you are going through so much but it can get better, you don't always have to be the boring one at the party, you can be the life of the party if you get help.

Best wishes and sorry to hear you are going through this too, hugs x
 

Chipetele

Aspiring person
#3
responses and answers come back into your mind later when reliving the conversation once the anxiety has gone.
YES!

I have been told I have ''no personality'', but I know I do, it's just due to anxiety I cannot express it properly or in the same manners others can.
YES!

Have you ever sought treatment for your anxiety? Maybe therapy is a starting point?
I've been to therapy a bunch of times but it just consists of talking to a professional at an office and never making any progress. Never helped me much. I need to uhm...practice? If there was some sort of therapy that involved that, but I don't think there is and normal people in the real world would just give up on me.

the life of the party if you get help.
not a party person ;)

Best wishes and sorry to hear you are going through this too
Thanks, sorry you're going through it too
 
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