Its still there

[Mayarian]

Since I joined this forum, every single of members that reply to my threads are really helpful to made me better abou myself. I never imagined crying like a baby all night alone bcs someone on the internet told that I tried my best and other soothing words, really.

It always like a unpredictable cycle. But in the end I was able to get hold into myself so anyone didnt notice my darkness and just said that Im just not able to take small problems and immature.
I thought probably I got better since the pressure that made me like this slowly become more and more lighter a lil bit.

A week ago there's a lil bump on my cheek, I can feel it unusual and strange on consistency. My parent said I should see a doctor on my workplace but since I had multiple ulcers I said it just my lymph node swollen(even tho Im not sure either)
Then there's a voice again
"I hope this is may be a....cancer?" What in the earth normal people can thinking something like that? Im suprised how Im still wanting something like incurable lethal disesase on me. I thought I got better on that(even made a thread abt this).

I can feel a 'peace' and 'happiness' when imagining this and crying on happiness silently. Whats wrong again I just got back from 'a lot of fun holiday' with my family I supposed to be happy on that.
And to this day no pro visit, Im pathetic for bein still scared to go. When Im on the bottom of the wheel I wantd to go very bad but not being able bcs Im just...too unstable to talk with anyone. When I got 'better' suddenly afraid to go what if the pro said something like my fam did?

 

[Diesional]

Hi Mayarian, I'm sorry you're dealing with all these fears and doubts. I'm glad that this forum has helped you before -- I agree that it can be very moving and I hope it continues to be good for you.

Firstly, I want to encourage you to follow through whatever way you can to see a professional. Don't feel like you're "too unstable" to talk to one. A therapist (at least if they're worthwhile) should be able and willing to listen to you and try to help you with your problems, whether they relate to emotions or just trouble communicating. Even if you're "doing better", it's not wrong to go to therapy so you can find the tools and techniques you need to keep things going better and not fall back as easily.

Put it this way: Your post reads as pretty stable to me even if it's about serious emotional problems. It makes sense, it's reflective, and it shows you're still committed to trying to figure things out and get better. So even if you're having trouble expressing yourself verbally in a session, you can always write things out (whether during the session or in advance) to share with the therapist. But I think mainly your issue is doubt, and that's because A) you've been met with a lot of misunderstanding by some family members, and B) depression has a way of lying to us and telling us not to do the things that would help us, saying it wouldn't actually help or that we wouldn't deserve it or something like that. Do what you can to bear in mind that that's a lie and reach out for help whatever way you can. I'm glad you've posted here for a start -- we definitely won't judge you for what you're feeling!

I want to point out that depression or suicidal thought doesn't just go away because enough good things happen -- it can take time for us to deprogram from that whole mindset even after things are "right" again. That's not to say that it isn't possible to recover, but remember that sometimes the thoughts may still occur to us from time to time, and that doesn't mean we've failed -- we just need to keep taking the right steps and take our time, and that way we'll always be making some kind of progress.

 

[MarvelFan]

Since I joined this forum, every single of members that reply to my threads are really helpful to made me better abou myself. I never imagined crying like a baby all night alone bcs someone on the internet told that I tried my best and other soothing words, really.

It always like a unpredictable cycle. But in the end I was able to get hold into myself so anyone didnt notice my darkness and just said that Im just not able to take small problems and immature.
I thought probably I got better since the pressure that made me like this slowly become more and more lighter a lil bit.

A week ago there's a lil bump on my cheek, I can feel it unusual and strange on consistency. My parent said I should see a doctor on my workplace but since I had multiple ulcers I said it just my lymph node swollen(even tho Im not sure either)
Then there's a voice again
"I hope this is may be a....cancer?" What in the earth normal people can thinking something like that? Im suprised how Im still wanting something like incurable lethal disesase on me. I thought I got better on that(even made a thread abt this).

I can feel a 'peace' and 'happiness' when imagining this and crying on happiness silently. Whats wrong again I just got back from 'a lot of fun holiday' with my family I supposed to be happy on that.
And to this day no pro visit, Im pathetic for bein still scared to go. When Im on the bottom of the wheel I wantd to go very bad but not being able bcs Im just...too unstable to talk with anyone. When I got 'better' suddenly afraid to go what if the pro said something like my fam did?

I understand all of that, there is a willingness to hope for cancer and that is in a suicidal persons mindset because we dont want to suffer this life anymore. But you are worth more than that in life and should always try to take care of yourself because great suffering is something that you should not need to go through. Please take care.