I've ruined everything.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sadclown, May 13, 2014.

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  1. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    I'm feeling extremely suicidal. I really don't see a way out of this mess. It's a long convoluted story but I feel I've run out of options. I have always had a tendency to feel depressed, but I've always been great at hiding it. I had a relatively happy school life despite my occasional outbursts (when alone of course), made some great friends, was naturally intelligent so I didn't have to try that hard in school. I was always interested in acting from the first time that I experienced it when I was 11. Performance became my dream and I went from being a shy, nervous kid to one of the most confident people in school and I was great at making people laugh. So I was sure I wanted to become a performer. I was good at it too, my teachers said I had 'something special'. Then, when I reached 17, disaster struck, I got incredibly bad cystic acne. Not the usual 'oh every teen goes through that' acne, but angry, vicious acne that left me with deep scars on my face, back and chest. I tried many methods to control it, even prescription drugs, but nothing worked. So I stopped going to school, I stopped seeing my friends. I couldn't stand the idea of anyone looking at me. How was I supposed to be a performer with that on my head? I went from craving the spotlight to absolutely hating the very idea of being seen. Nonetheless, I had auditions at drama schools and got in to a prestigious one. I went for one term and quit because I was more concerned with desperately finding a way to heal my scars than concentrate on acting. During this time I also grew a bit and developed stretch marks on my hips, more scars to add to my collection I spent a year off and I found a product and regimen that actually controlled my skin. I applied to university, just because I was always told that you needed a degree to succeed in life. I rushed it, charged in to study Interpol, because naturally, I couldn't go back to acting as I still felt ashamed when under a spotlight, plus I told all my friends I quit because it 'wasn't what I expected'. I was depressed, got fat and unhealthy. I managed first year fine and half of second year, then depression really hit me, I failed all of my second term modules by not trying at all. I hated my course and I couldn't bring myself to quit for a second time, my pride wouldn't let me and I missed drama school. I realize now I should have deferred the year, but I didn't, nobody called me up on my failures and I just went with it, I figured they'd tell me if I had failed the year. Next term was the same, no work, misery and I was called in to the office. They suggested I defer the year, which I did and everything was fine because I still was under the impression I could get my honours degree. I did fine in first term of my final year a few months ago and my cascade calculator told me I could easily get a 2.2, but now in my second term, I finally discovered I'm on an ordinary degree. I went into panic, I became thoroughly depressed, started having anxiety attacks, can't sleep and thus failed to hand in my dissertation or any essays since. I have therefore failed my ordinary degree, with no option to retake, no chance at graduating and a four year gap on my cv where I was far too depressed, lazy and self loathing to look for work. The worst part is nobody knows this. I'm the life and soul as far as my house mates know because ironically enough I AM good at acting and I'm a fun person. I've never been diagnosed with depression because the whole concept seemed silly to me. Here I am with my health and a fairly good life and I'm sad, meanwhile elsewhere in the world there are children born with aids, or even my friends who have had parents die. What right did I have to be depressed? They got on with life and graduated. I have no future now. I have a hefty student debt, not to mention a good lump of the savings my grandfather gave me gone to alcohol and fast food and no degree to show for any of it. My parents will be so disappointed in me and I will have no option in the work force, I'll end up working in McDonalds, living with my parents and have to watch my friends succeed and live a great life. I can't even join the army to try and claw back some honour, because I STILL have severe acne at 23. I fear having to face my friends, as far as they know I'm just retaking my last year, which others in the group have done. This will be a second failure to them, making me the biggest loser they know. Who fails their FINAL year of uni twice?! Not to mention I failed modules in second year, so I don't even get a diploma and thanks to my transcript, I can never study anywhere else. I realize now I could have prevented it all just by deferring second year, but it's too late, I am done. Also, I think I may have accidentally committed fraud on my student loan. If they find out, my parents (both of whom earn below the national average and who just moved to a smaller house in order to get rid of their mortgage because my dad's business went under) will suffer the consequences. I don't see any light. I really don't. If I live my family will suffer me as a burden and I will suffer with shame and humiliation for the rest of my life. I realize if I die it will hurt people too, but I just can't face my own stupid, STUPID self.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2014
  2. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Hello to you.

    Humiliation might be better than death. If you feel like hurting or killing yourself right now, call a doctor or the emergency number where you are.

    Your history sounds somewhat like mine, in some ways, especially regarding repeated tenures at higher education without getting a degree. And having debt. The last school I attended wants its money back immediately and I don't have it, and probably never will. I've never had a job better than dishwashing, and cannot get any work now since I'm not young and strong anymore. But these things will not kill me. I'm not in jail, at least.

    I want to wish all the very best for you, as best I can. It's not like I can care about you personally, since we don't know each other. But I feel like I can understand some of what you may be going through. It's horrible. That's why there's doctors, I think. I hope you go see a doctor soon.
    .
    ,..:nod:
     
  3. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    A doctor will help me live. They won't help me have a life.
     
  4. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    No, they won't help you have a life. But to have a life, you need to be alive first. And have the best health possible.

    I'm not qualified to give out advice. I'm not a counselor or doctor. I agree that the stuff about how "it's temporary, it will get better soon" is a bunch of poppycock--things can fail to improve in this life, and sometimes that's how it happens.

    Depression is not a respecter of persons, it's an equal-opportunity condition. Adverse life events can trigger it. Only a doctor can tell you if you have this or some other treatable condition.

    All the best to you,...
     
  5. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    It feels like the end no matter what I do.
     
  6. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi sadclown, thank you for reaching out and finding SF - I do feel empathy for you as you have shared the events that have brought you here. Your parents sound like good people - are you able to share any of this with them? Please do not feel that you have to shoulder the burden of what the future may or may not hold on your own. Eating some humble pie and bringing them in on your life will be better for them than any other option you might consider, and will bring a chink of a new perspective into your thinking, if you can front up to them and be totally real, warts an' all. As Leonard Cohen sings: "Ring the bells that still can ring, there is a crack in everything, that's where the light gets in".... Blessings and strength :)
     
  7. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    They are good people, great people who have done nothing but love, accept and provide for me and I've repaid them with nothing. They deserve far better.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2014
  8. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    But you are still their son whom they love and want the best for, and would be able to appreciate how tough life can be, and that "a three-corded rope is not easily broken" - if you can possibly broach how you are feeling and say that you need their perspective about what to do next - it would really be beneficial for your whole family. You are very blessed to have parents like that :)
     
  9. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    I know I am. I wish I'd shown them more how much I appreciate them. I'm worried about my friends too. I just can't begin to explain to them why this has happened, how my judgements went so far astray. They'll either think I'm an idiot or that I'm pathetic. They'll still be my friends but they won't have any respect for me and I wouldn't blame them.
     
  10. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    that is still better than deciding to top. If they do drop you, they were not your friends in the first place, really...... If I was in your position I would summon up the courage to request having a heart-2-heart talk with your parents, and spell it out for them exactly what you are facing and what it is you think you need, I am sure they will respect you for your humility and honesty and willingness to find a new start with their help :)
     
  11. Don't you feel that you can start from the beginning? Or do you feel that your severe acne is in the way or something else? Would you continute acting if you didn't have the acne?

    Of course I don't have any answers for you, I'm more just curious if that is ok by you.
     
  12. I am really sorry that you feel so missunderstood. I am in the same situation (believe me, my logic actually tells me that no one in the world has been through something as bad as me). I'm also deeply suicidal by the way.
     
  13. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    I have it under control now. But it's too late, I can't go back to drama school because I have no money and I haven't done any acting for five years. I'd love a chance to do it again.
     
  14. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    It just seems every decision I've made since 17 was the wrong one. I'm sorry to hear about your pain also.
     
  15. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend


    Could you audition for an amateur dramatics production perhaps?
     
  16. sadclown

    sadclown Member

    Perhaps. I just think it'll inevitably feel like too little, too late and serve as a perpetual reminder of what I could have done with my life.
     
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