I'm feeling extremely suicidal. I really don't see a way out of this mess. It's a long convoluted story but I feel I've run out of options. I have always had a tendency to feel depressed, but I've always been great at hiding it. I had a relatively happy school life despite my occasional outbursts (when alone of course), made some great friends, was naturally intelligent so I didn't have to try that hard in school. I was always interested in acting from the first time that I experienced it when I was 11. Performance became my dream and I went from being a shy, nervous kid to one of the most confident people in school and I was great at making people laugh. So I was sure I wanted to become a performer. I was good at it too, my teachers said I had 'something special'. Then, when I reached 17, disaster struck, I got incredibly bad cystic acne. Not the usual 'oh every teen goes through that' acne, but angry, vicious acne that left me with deep scars on my face, back and chest. I tried many methods to control it, even prescription drugs, but nothing worked. So I stopped going to school, I stopped seeing my friends. I couldn't stand the idea of anyone looking at me. How was I supposed to be a performer with that on my head? I went from craving the spotlight to absolutely hating the very idea of being seen. Nonetheless, I had auditions at drama schools and got in to a prestigious one. I went for one term and quit because I was more concerned with desperately finding a way to heal my scars than concentrate on acting. During this time I also grew a bit and developed stretch marks on my hips, more scars to add to my collection I spent a year off and I found a product and regimen that actually controlled my skin. I applied to university, just because I was always told that you needed a degree to succeed in life. I rushed it, charged in to study Interpol, because naturally, I couldn't go back to acting as I still felt ashamed when under a spotlight, plus I told all my friends I quit because it 'wasn't what I expected'. I was depressed, got fat and unhealthy. I managed first year fine and half of second year, then depression really hit me, I failed all of my second term modules by not trying at all. I hated my course and I couldn't bring myself to quit for a second time, my pride wouldn't let me and I missed drama school. I realize now I should have deferred the year, but I didn't, nobody called me up on my failures and I just went with it, I figured they'd tell me if I had failed the year. Next term was the same, no work, misery and I was called in to the office. They suggested I defer the year, which I did and everything was fine because I still was under the impression I could get my honours degree. I did fine in first term of my final year a few months ago and my cascade calculator told me I could easily get a 2.2, but now in my second term, I finally discovered I'm on an ordinary degree. I went into panic, I became thoroughly depressed, started having anxiety attacks, can't sleep and thus failed to hand in my dissertation or any essays since. I have therefore failed my ordinary degree, with no option to retake, no chance at graduating and a four year gap on my cv where I was far too depressed, lazy and self loathing to look for work. The worst part is nobody knows this. I'm the life and soul as far as my house mates know because ironically enough I AM good at acting and I'm a fun person. I've never been diagnosed with depression because the whole concept seemed silly to me. Here I am with my health and a fairly good life and I'm sad, meanwhile elsewhere in the world there are children born with aids, or even my friends who have had parents die. What right did I have to be depressed? They got on with life and graduated. I have no future now. I have a hefty student debt, not to mention a good lump of the savings my grandfather gave me gone to alcohol and fast food and no degree to show for any of it. My parents will be so disappointed in me and I will have no option in the work force, I'll end up working in McDonalds, living with my parents and have to watch my friends succeed and live a great life. I can't even join the army to try and claw back some honour, because I STILL have severe acne at 23. I fear having to face my friends, as far as they know I'm just retaking my last year, which others in the group have done. This will be a second failure to them, making me the biggest loser they know. Who fails their FINAL year of uni twice?! Not to mention I failed modules in second year, so I don't even get a diploma and thanks to my transcript, I can never study anywhere else. I realize now I could have prevented it all just by deferring second year, but it's too late, I am done. Also, I think I may have accidentally committed fraud on my student loan. If they find out, my parents (both of whom earn below the national average and who just moved to a smaller house in order to get rid of their mortgage because my dad's business went under) will suffer the consequences. I don't see any light. I really don't. If I live my family will suffer me as a burden and I will suffer with shame and humiliation for the rest of my life. I realize if I die it will hurt people too, but I just can't face my own stupid, STUPID self.
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